DOJ mandates implicit bias training for prosecutors and agents

The U.S. Department of Justice will require its employees to receive training designed to prevent implicit bias from affecting their decisions.

The DOJ announced in…

20160628 - Inside The Chicago Program That Is Slashing Youth Crime Rates

Inside The Chicago Program That Is Slashing Youth Crime Rates
June 27, 2016
by Rebecca Klein, Huffington Post

2016-06-27

Divorce Confidential: Children And The 'Best Interests' Standard

Emotions run high in divorce, particularly when children are at stake. When parents are involved in a litigious custody battle, intense emotions of a parent dealing with change and loss may cloud his or her ability to separate emotions and the needs of a child. To deal with this reality, courts have implemented the "best interests" standard when making orders regarding children and their future. The goal of the "best interests" standard is the well-being of a child's mental health, security, happiness and overall emotional development for future success. Often, a child's "best interests" is closely intertwined with a close, loving and consistent relationship with both parents.



Ideally, the goal of all parents in divorce should be the best interests of a child. However, this is not always possible and this is when a court will step in to make these important decisions.



1. How Do Courts Determine The "Best Interests" Of A Child? The "Best Interests" standard is fact specific to each and every case. It is a broad standard, which is valuable because the court will look at many factors before making any major decisions regarding a child. Some factors the court may consider include the following: a parent's physical/mental health, specific needs of a child, emotional stability of each parent, the ability of a parent to provide a room for a child, a parent's financial situation (although this does not necessarily mean a parent with more money is at an advantage), domestic violence and a child's current contact with a parent. Sometimes, a court may also consider a child's preferences if the child is at an appropriate age and maturity. This is not an exhaustive list of factors the court will consider. Many times, the court will consider any and all factors it deems valuable in making an informed decision regarding the child's best interests.



2. Is The "Best Interests" Standard Universal? The "Best Interests" standard is not necessarily a universal standard across the globe. For example, in Hong Kong, one of the most cosmopolitan cities in Asia, there is no "best interests" standard. While there is no formal standard in place, glimpses of the standard are coming through Hong Kong court decisions. And the good news is that the standard is becoming embodied in a "welfare checklist" in a new children's ordinance bill set to become law at the end of 2017 or early 2018. Much like the "best interests" standard here in the United States, the "welfare checklist" includes questions the court will consider when making orders such as: the views of a child, the child's physical, emotional and educational needs, family violence and the capability of a parent for the child's needs. Keith Hotten, a barrister, mediator and matrimonial law professor in Hong Kong says "[The new legislation] brings Hong Kong into the modern world. The point of the new legislation is to bring focus onto parental responsibility, which is essentially joint custody."



3. A Parent's Role In The "Best Interests" Standard: Bill Eddy, a mediator, attorney and author at the High Conflict Institute in San Diego says "[p]arents are constantly thinking about what is in the best interests of their children. But when it comes to separation and divorce, it can easily slip into a contest of which parent is acting more in the "best interests" of their child." To avoid this type of conflict, Eddy suggests parents talk jointly with a parenting expert or coach. Eddy says this will "[e]nable parents to be more effective at communicating, making reasonable proposals and managing their own emotions for the benefit of joint decisions truly in the best interests of their child." Eddy also suggests parents ask themselves some key questions before making any major decisions such as: "How will this impact our child's relationship with the other parent? How will this impact our child's future romantic relationships? How will our child feel towards me in the long-term, if I reduce contact with the other parent, or allow dangerous contact?"



Overall, parents who work together and make the best decisions for their child are better off than when a court imposes an order on the family. With that goal in mind, look for a parenting expert or coach in your city. There are also many valuable resources available to you including co-parenting classes and co-parenting books. Finally, don't forget to talk to an attorney in your city for a resource list and tips on how to navigate this process!

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Pledging Extra: Considering Covenant Marriages

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16 Secrets Married Men And Women Are Keeping From Their Spouses

Everyone knows that open, honest communication is the cornerstone of a happy marriage. But that doesn't stop people from lying to their spouses, whether it's a harmless fib or a lie about something more substantial.

Below, 16 people on the secret-sharing app Whisper reveal the biggest thing they're keeping from their spouses. 

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

#USImmigrationLaw: What Issues Will Affect My Visa?

If you want to come to the US or sponsor someone else's presence here, you should be aware of certain issues that can affect visa receipt. But you should also know from the start that for many rules there...

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Dead Man's Parrot Could Become Key Witness In Murder Trial

A Michigan woman is accused of killing her husband and the prosecutor is turning to the dead man's parrot to help put her behind bars.

Glenna Duram was charged last Thursday in connection with the May 2015 murder of her husband, Martin, at their Ensley Township home. Authorities said Martin was shot five times, including once in the head. Glenna also sustained a shotgun wound to her head.

At first, police believed an intruder was to blame. But Glenna became a suspect after investigators found a handgun in the home, as well as apparent suicide notes allegedly written by her to her ex-husband and children.

Martin Duram's ex-wife, Christine Keller, is convinced his beloved African gray parrot, Bud, saw the whole tragic event. Keller inherited the bird after the murder and was shocked by what came out of its mouth.

"Two weeks after the incident, Bud started going into rants I couldn't explain," she told Fox17Online.com. "Screaming, yelling, and always ending with 'don't f***ing shoot!' I believe with all my heart that those are pretty close to last words of Marty."

Glenna Duram is being held in Newaygo County Jail without bond. 

Video exists of Bud saying, "Don't f***ing shoot!" and prosecutor Robert Springstead hasn't ruled out using it in court. But first, he has to determine if anything the bird says is actually admissible.

“It's an interesting novelty and it's been a great opportunity for me to learn about African parrots,” he told the Detroit Free Press. “It is something we are going to be looking at to determine if it's reliable to use or if it's information we need to prosecute this case.”

Springstead seemed more skeptical when he spoke to the Associated Press earlier this month. He told reporters he "highly doubts there is any precedent" that what's repeated by a parrot can be used as evidence.

It's unlikely that Bud would be an actual witness for the prosecution, but it's possible the video of him saying "Don't f***ing shoot!" could be admitted as evidence.

That is, if it can be proven the bird never said it before the murder.

Samuel Carr, a parrot buff in San Diego, believes parrots like Bud are capable of vocally recreating something they witnessed.

“There's a good chance [Bud] basically had a PTSD breakdown and is repeating the last thing his favorite person said,” Carr said. “Is it provable though? That's tough, unless it can be proved his people never used that phrase.”

Glenna Duram became her husband's caregiver after he was seriously injured in an automobile accident in the 1990s. Family members told reporters the couple fought often, but not physically, according to CBS Detroit.

Documents obtained by Fox17Online.com allege that Glenna Duram had often joked about waiting for her husband to die.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Dissenting in case in which he broke his silence, Thomas sees 2nd-class status for Second Amendment

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Love Will Be The Death Of Us

Notes On The End Of My Marriage

Author's note: This is a sincere attempt to learn the end of a relationship, a final love letter, of sorts. Some of the names have been changed and my former partner has consented its publication.

8.2011 -- The Beginning

There is no easy way to masturbate into a small plastic container. I find this out as I approach climax, simultaneously holding the container in place while stoking my erection with the other hand. Truth be told, I don't actually masturbate very often -- perhaps something about the act I continue to find shameful.



Suddenly: a rush of white light and a moment of fleeting ecstasy. I return to Room B at the Genesis fertility clinic in downtown Vancouver. Two voluptuous women continue their own vigorous pleasure on the TV screen mounted above my head.



I steady my breath and screw the cap onto the container. I buckle my jeans, grab the remote and flick off the screen. I catch my image in the mirror, triggering an existential moment that feels utterly cliche -- all the cautionary tales of my younger years flooding back in a montage of bad teen movies, Sex Ed classes, and awkward chats with my father. "Millions of sperm live in every drop of semen!" he warned. "Sometimes they can live for over nine days!" And the ominous warning fed to every heterosexual male: don't get your girlfriend pregnant.



Now I'm 30. Four years ago, newly married and financially stable, my wife Katherine and I discontinued birth control and waited for the inevitable to occur. And we waited. And we waited.



Not only did conception fail to arise, without the aid of birth control my wife mysteriously had no menstrual cycle at all. Thus began the odyssey of doctor's visits, diets, supplements and hormone therapies, AKA "Trying to Get Pregnant."

5.2003 -- The Past

I am 22 and a pioneer in the early age of internet dating. I've trawled the online profiles of Lavalife over the previous weeks, occasionally setting up dates with various eligible women. I remember Katherine's profile picture vividly: long dark hair, a mysterious Mona Lisa smirk, and the cleverness of her username: WHATSADATE. Answer, written below in first line of her dating profile: A date is a small dried fruit.



I glance at her age: 26. I am ambitious, though four years beyond my own is pushing the boundaries. Gathering courage, I type her a brief introductory message. She responds within a day and we trade further charming emails.



Less than a week later, we speak on the phone. Her voice is sultry -- I suggest she could have been a radio host... or a phone sex operator. Her actual profession is computer programmer. She arrives at my door with the deafening rumble of her blue Harley Davidson roadster. Cue slow motion helmet removal. Cue long black hair tumbling down her shoulders.



Her green eyes are shining and vulnerable. Behind the flushed cheeks, I sense the legacy of past wounds. Her hesitant visage betrays a silent plea: don't be another one that hurts me.



We head for coffee and the conversation flows easily, punctuated by seagulls that follow our footsteps as we walk the trails beside the ocean. She asks "When was the last time you cried?" I can count the number on one hand and told her each circumstance.



A pause. Our lips find each other.





Our first date.

8.2011 -- Treatment

The first grey sky we've had in weeks wash the streets of Vancouver a dull monochrome. I watch the rain and smell the wet pavement. Traffic is light this morning for our appointment at the Genesis Fertility Clinic. Katherine is quiet, gazing out the car window. I wonder what she's thinking.



My sperm counts have tested normal. Her lack of menstrual cycle remains the challenge. The doctors have surmised a variety of theories, including a hormonal imbalance related to a severe eating disorder Katherine endured in her early 20s. Anorexia nervosa. Her significant weight loss had resulted in a 6-month hospitalization and treatment. While she successfully completed the rehabilitation program and her weight stabilized, the demons remained: caloric restriction, body dismorphia and relentless self-judgment.



After a year of attempting "natural" methods of restoring fertility (yoga, meditation, chinese herbs) the doctors suggested more drastic procedures. Today would be the first day of "ovulation induction" through fertility drugs (gonadotropins). And needles. Lots of needles. Katherine would need to self-inject with hormones twice a day for 3 weeks, returning to the clinic constantly to monitor the results. If the appropriate effect was reached, the doctors would proceed to step two: implanting my sperm directly into her uterine lining.



Inside the clinic, Katherine attempts her first injection under the watchful eye of the doctor. Her hands shake. I record the scene on my iPhone for review later (in case she forgets) but also because it's somehow absurdly funny. We drive home and over the next few weeks she becomes an expert.



Vial. Needle. Tap. Flesh. Squeeze. Done.



With each return to the clinic, Katherine's enthusiasm fades. Her hormone levels aren't reacting. The doctors increase the dosage. Double. Triple. Weeks pass, before finally, the numbers climb. On Day 35 we proceed to step two. They implant the sperm and send us home with the instructions to wait 10 days before testing to see if successful.



A few days later, in front of our apartment I pack an orange RV with a rusted bicycle and furry vest. The treatment wasn't supposed to take this long. We should have known before my planned departure to the Burning Man gathering in Nevada. I had contemplated canceling, though it was the first significant trip with my younger brother, and I didn't want to let him down. Plus, Katherine would have felt further guilt about her body's lack of cooperation with the hormone therapy.



She bids me farewell with a curb-side kiss and a promise to call me immediately with the results. My brother and I wave as we head for the dusty outpost of Black Rock City.



Scarcely two hours into journey, we sit in the vehicle lineup waiting to cross the U.S. border. I receive a text.



"It failed." Katherine writes. A miscarriage. Blood and tears in a toilet.



My chest constricts, sadness welling behind my eyes. But I can't cry. The border guard is waving us forward.





The Temple of Transition, Burning Man 2011

09.2011 -- Dear Temple

Purple dawn bathes the sky on the final morning of Burning Man, as my volunteer shift ends as a Guardian. I gaze upon the Temple of Transition, this palace of grief, adorned by the tears and scribblings of thousands of Burners. It is my third year drifting through Her halls, and this time, I finally understand why She is here.



In a culture addicted to the light, there is no altar for darkness. Yet life does not feed life. Only death can do that. The Man is burned for the party. The Temple is burned for our grief  --  an offering for our willingness to remember those that came before and perhaps those that never will.



With this epiphany, my heart erupts into urgency. All I can think: my camera. My tripod. I locate my bicycle on the edge of the perimeter and pedal madly back to camp. The light is orange by the time I return, panting for breath.



Burners quietly walk the space like galactic monks on a pilgrimage to the holiest of planets, over the ramps, into the towers. Morning shadows stretch for miles, perhaps all the way to heaven, as if it was anywhere but here.



I close my eyes, exhale deeply, then begin my task. I shoot, capturing as much of The Temple as I can before She is gone. I'm aflame with the certainty that I must craft a love letter.



Scarcely 20 minutes pass and the crew begins boarding up the doorways in preparation for the burn. I'm asked politely but firmly to leave. Outside the perimeter, I face the tattered city and discover I'm accompanied by Sean  --  my best friend since high school. As we walk wearily back to camp, he observes my face, asks me tenderly, "What's wrong?"



I don't look at him when I respond. "I don't think I'm going to have children with Katherine."



That night, no tears are shed. I couldn't watch Her burn. Two weeks later, as I return to the footage for the first time, I glimpse again the intact Temple.



She shatters me. And I weep.

10.2011 -- The Kiss

The Burning Man Decompression is a regional party that occurs in many major cities. Vancouver booked an extraordinary movie-prop warehouse  --  henceforth ruining me for all future party locations.



I arrive late, my friends are already here. I weave through the crowd, skirting a scene from a medieval castle before emerging into a haunted house. I spot Katherine, clothed in red leggings and a sheer black shirt. She's sexy and flirtatious. She leaps into me and I wrap my arms tightly around her waist.



The bass is heavy, obliterating the chatter. Lights dance across the roof. I search her eyes and recognize her sadness. But tonight... tonight is for dancing. She untangles herself and disappears into the crowd, a blur of faces and limbs.



"Hello." I look down and a young woman with dreadlocks is sitting in a large armchair. I kneel beside her. We exchange pleasantries, sincere and open-hearted. I discover she's a spoken word poet. "Please share a poem!" I ask. She shakes her head, embarrassed.



"Please, I insist." She relents and I lean in with eyes closed.



Words tumble into my ear, one after another, lyrical and playful. I'm drawn into her language, a new territory conjured out of heart and soul. When finished, I open my eyes, gratitude beaming on my face.



She kisses me, hard. Surprised, I let it happen.



When it's over, we lean back.



"I'm married," I say, without an ounce of accusation.



She's immediately apologetic. "No, it's okay," I say. "It was an honest mistake."



Confusion flashes across her face. "You don't seem married," she says.



Her words puncture my heart. I look at her sadly.



"I know," I say.

6.2012 -- Confession

It happens again: always a different and worthy woman. Comfort for a stricken artist at a conference on the Salish Sea. Honor for a delightful dance with a soulful healer in Vancouver. Companionship for a lonely entrepreneurial Athena in San Francisco.



These interactions weighed heavy on my soul. I could not make sense of them. On the one hand, each felt appropriate, life-affirming and needed. Surely these could not be considered "cheating." What was a kiss anyway? On the other hand, such interactions were beyond the boundaries of our monogamous partnership to which Katherine and I had vowed. In my uncertainty, I waited, hoping somehow the situation would resolve itself.



Eventually, the guilt crested and I crafted a confession.



In our newly purchased suburban home, we sat across from each other in quiet anticipation.



"There's something I need to tell you," I speak, and watch the color drain from her face. Her entire body quivers.



Milan Kundera wrote, "Loves are like empires  --  when the idea that they are founded on crumbles, they, too, fade away."



By the end of my story, our marriage has begun its slow descent into the sand.

11.2012  --  The Final Attempt

Six months since my confession and the question of "what to do" about my infidelity remains unresolved. Given the potential window for conception is closing, we agree to focus one final attempt at pregnancy.



On the eve of the expensive procedure, we stand in the kitchen and she accuses me "you don't really want to have children." I don't know how to respond, so I say nothing.



We try again. This time the implanted eggs hold. The doctor gives us an x-ray of the delicate "Twins" which we place on our altar at home. We resist the urge to discuss potential baby names.



A torturous week trickles by, until one morning, Katherine walks softly into the room with glistening cheeks. Failure. I embrace her quietly and the sobs intensify. Mostly, I feel numb.



The undeniable prospect looms before us: a future without children. We would be a childless couple.



That afternoon, I remove the x-ray from the altar and slide the photograph between the books on the shelf.





Maui. Jan 2013

1.2013 -- Opening The Relationship

The first week of the new year we spend in a manicured paradise. Katherine's mother decided to fund an overdue family trip to Maui -- a nostalgic return to the favorite vacation spot of her late husband. Amateur surfing, slow roasted pork, and impossible sunsets punctuate the time with my in-laws.



Upon their departure, Katherine and I retain an extra week for ourselves, with enough space to revisit "the question" once more: in the absence of biological children, what are we to become?



I pull the book Opening Up: A Guide to Sustaining and Maintaining Open Relationships from my bag and place it on the table. Her eyes grow wide.



"I think we should try an open relationship." I can't quite believe the words are tumbling from my mouth. Within the paradigm of the dominant culture, the sanctity of monogamous marriage is supreme.



And yet I feel compelled to reconcile the deeper longings of my desire, haunted by the alternative: the vision of a pleasant but passionless coupledom, like so many marriages that choose the facade of stability instead of the fire of truth.



She eventually, reluctantly agrees. The book came with a helpful questionnaire which we use as a foundation for our initial agreements and guidelines. What does "open" mean? What is the difference between sensual and sexual? Are over-nights allowed? Should we have veto power over the others' connections?



As darkness creeps into the room, serenaded by an army of frogs, we sign our names and step into the abyss.



***



The dam has broken and the next few months are a blur. I begin using words like polyamorous (meaning "many loves") and non-monogamy in conversation. I learn that you don't make any important decisions during NRE (new relationship energy) and that compersion (taking joy in your partner's joy) is the opposite of jealousy, but that both can exist simultaneously.



I explore a variety of connection with multiple women and have the first sexual experience outside of my marriage. After 10 years with the same partner, the scent and curves of a new woman feels at once odd and exhilarating. I keep going. I learn that while possibilities for connection are endless, time and energy are not.



Katherine and I practice regular communication, though mostly I don't see her. She embraces the openness with a vigor I'd never seen. Suddenly, she is free to entertain the secret desires she'd never confessed, perhaps even to herself. She calls ex-boyfriends to catch up, partly out of curiosity for their lives, and partly to flaunt her newfound sexual prowess.



I grow closer to a particular woman, Mya. We speak in poetry and myth, and she whispers a willingness to explore my untapped sexual nature. She's also engaged to another, and both of us remain secure in our existing relationships, happy to explore our connection without the pressure of core partnership.



Late spring, Katherine and I stand on a deserted beach, playing fetch with our much-loved dog Tobi. I toss the stick in the water and the conversation turns toward our latest erotic adventures. I ask if she's ever thought of exploring with her business partner Cameron. For the past 4 years, they had co-operated a successful yoga studio in our suburban city.



"Would that bother you?" she asks hesitantly.



"It makes sense," I respond, picking up the stick again. "You already work well together. Seems like it would happen eventually."



"Are you saying I can explore with him?"



A hint of jealousy surfaces. He is an accomplished athlete, fit, and handy with tools. In many ways my complete opposite. I remind myself the purpose of our open relationship is to explore our boundaries.



"Sure," I say. I throw the stick back into the water, and Tobi rushes after it.

7.2013  -- The Tower Is Burning

Early one summer day, without hormone therapy or warning, Katherine's menstrual cycle returns. She informs me in bed, breathless. We're awash in the mystery. No guarantee of fertility, but a promising sign nonetheless.



She spends most of her time with Cam. I begin hearing stories of her vibrant nature from mutual friends. "I barely recognize this woman," says one who has known her for years.



I can't shake the feeling that Katherine is drifting away from me. We continue with our weekly checkins, but her shares are mostly uneventful. No, our external relationships aren't competing for our own. Yes, we're still deeply committed to each other.



I opt to spend a weekend away at a local music festival with Mya. On my way out the door, I choose a Tarot card from the deck, standard practice for ongoing insight into our relationship. The Tower. The image is a large burning Buddha, illuminated by lightning, fires raging across his skin. A man and a woman plunge from the figure.



Unsettled, I depart for the festival.



The next few days are magic. A bevy of playful adventures with friends, sweet connections, and beach bonfires. On the final day, after most of the others have packed up, I look upon the last night fading from the snowcapped mountains overhead.



Mya puts her arms softly around my waist. I'm gripped once again by an unbidden ache of sorrow. "I don't know why, but I feel like I will say goodbye to Katherine soon."



A few days later, Cam is at my house for a backyard BBQ for the yoga studio members. He's awkward in his small talk. I let them host and mostly stay out of the way. The next morning, Katherine is visibly shaken and asks me to accompany her outside on the grass.



We sit in the afternoon sun. I don't realize I'm holding my breath.



Finally, she says: "I'm pregnant."



My mind races. She and I hadn't been intimate in weeks. There was only one other possibility.



"With Cam," she finishes.



Cue: dagger plunge directly into my heart. Cue: An impossible mixture of utter devastation and shining joy at the possibility of her being a mother. Something she's wanted for so long.



"FUCK!" I scream, louder than I've ever been. I can't look at her, I stare at the grass, as if I could stare hard enough so she would take back her words. I don't believe it. It's not possible. And yet.



The Tower is burning.





San Francisco  -- self portrait.

8.2013 -- Myth Of The One

In the days that follow, I'm not ready to collapse into existing expectations about what is to come. I ask her: what do you actually want? Was this an accident? Do you still want to be with me? Do you want the three of us to co-parent?



Amid ongoing tears and the wreckage of our old life, she confesses her terrible dilemma: I don't think I can love more than one man. Therefore, I choose him.



Soon we are sitting across the table from my parents, married 30-plus years, who look to us with cautious optimism. I'd already warned the news wasn't what they might be expecting. In truth, to them and most of our friends, Katherine and I were the perfect couple. Loving, productive and stable, we never quarreled. Ever.



I break the news. "Katherine and I are separating." My mother immediately bursts into tears. My father leaps into fix-it mode, suggesting the merits of marriage counseling. "We're certain," I confirm. They did not know about our open relationship, and I feel it is too much to reveal the pregnancy now.



Plus, I can't admit the secret shame that I had screwed things up. I had ruined my marriage.



"I'm sorry," my mother wept. "I'm sorry your marriage didn't work."



I spent the rest of the month on the road, returning only to pack my share of the belongings. No battle. No lawyers. Katherine finds the paperwork online and we fill it out on the kitchen table. We agree to split the mortgage equity. I will take the vehicle, the blender, and the Nintendo Wii. She will retain "the rest of the household contents."



I spend the afternoon carrying my things out the front door and packing them in the car. It's both freeing and sorrowful when I realize my life now fits into a 2002 Subaru hatchback. My plan is to catch a ferry to Victoria, where my friend has already set up a desk in her office. I had found a temporary apartment just outside downtown, close to Mya, whose long-term partnership had also ended for reasons that remain their own.



For one last time, I sit alone on the backyard patio of the house that no longer bears my name. I light the cigarette I had taken from Katherine's secret stash (I rarely smoke) and watch it curl into the amber dusk.



A few hours before, she had revealed how she had begun drifting from our marriage the first time I'd confessed about kissing the other women, almost a year earlier. "You never told me," I pleaded. "How could I have saved us?"



I believed wholeheartedly the myth of the One. The belief that human happiness means finding your other half, pledging them your heart and soul, and committing until death do you part.



She was my One. Yet I struggled for years to reconcile my desire for others with the inherited story of traditional monogamous marriage. The hidden cost of monogamy, when culturally reinforced as the only acceptable ideal, is the unquestioned coupling of sexual fidelity with "real" partnership. Anything falling outside these norms is, at best, labelled an unwillingness to commit, at worst, condemned for hedonistic promiscuity.



Herein lies the scorpion's tale of the myth of the One:

You are only the One if you are the ONLY One. If your partner desires others, then you are not worthy of being the One. You are not enough.

Charles Eisenstein, author of The Ascent of Humanity, believes modern culture rests upon a foundational Story of Separation. The product of post-modernity and callous economic theory, the story goes thus: "What you are is an independent being in an indifferent universe, driven to maximize your own self-interest." From this perspective, it's get what you can, while you can, baby.



Finding a life partner to navigate these treacherous seas becomes not just a romantic ideal, but a necessity. Without that, a precarious and lonely future awaits. Behind the staggering divorce rates and bitter arguments that often follow suit, a conditioned betrayal lies unspoken: you promised you were my One. You lied.



Make no mistake -- one person can never be another's everything. It's too much for them to bear. But that doesn't stop many of us from trying and blaming ourselves for the almost certainty of failure.



For Katherine, I had vowed to keep our course steady. When I had decided to rock the boat, she had wisely fled to the nearest, safest ship.



I stubbed out my cigarette before it burned my fingers and headed toward the car.





Ganges Harbour, Salt Spring Island

9.2013 -- Ending

Early September, we agree to journey to our friends' tiny cabin on Salt Spring Island. I ask Katherine to gather an assortment of things that constitute the record of our relationship: anniversary cards, small gifts, faded photographs. I ask her to bring incense, our wedding vows, and her wedding ring.



As the late summer sunshine shatters the window, we construct an altar of our collection, a throne befitting 10 years together. After a silence, we sit cross-legged from each other and face the precipice. Her eyes quiver and my heart leaps into my throat. What a mysterious life. I wonder. How has it come to this?



It is easy to love the beginning of things. It is easy to love them in bloom, when their colours are bursting, fragrance cast to the wind. Yet how hard to love the end of things -- to love their inevitable decay, as blossoms wither and drift once again toward the dark earth.



I unroll the paper containing our vows, left virtually untouched since our wedding. I remember the gathering of family and friends, the silver laughter, and the way her father walked her down the aisle. I remember her aching smile, and how she knew that life could not possibly be sweeter than this.... moment.



I read our vows aloud. Halfway through the first line, I'm shaking. By the end of the second, tears stream down my face and I struggle to continue. Katherine reaches over and finds the next line, slowly, though her cheeks are a river.



"I'm sorry your marriage didn't work." My mother's words echo in my mind.



When a marriage dissolves, can it only be seen as a failure? Can a relationship also succeed not because it lasts forever, but how it ends?



Life does not feed life. Only death can do that. Perhaps this was the cost for her fertility. Perhaps love demanded the death of us.



The vows complete and Katherine folds the paper. We look to each other. I grip my wedding ring and slide it from my finger, feeling the sorrowful weight. She does the same, and we arrange both rings on the altar.



We each take one piece of paper and my pen hovers. I don't know what to call this process. Breakup seems harsh and somehow violent. Separation feels generic and falsely benign. I arrive at... Divergence. For a time, we journeyed together. And now, we would follow our own divergent paths again, not knowing what the future might bring, but willing to know the death of what we were.



We proceed to write each other new vows for this next chapter.



A lifetime passes before we end our ceremony and pack up the altar. The day is now a golden evening, and we head for a forested walk along the ocean. I reach out and hold her hand, not to confuse what we had just accomplished, but somehow, to honor the sweetness of what remained.



Our shadows mingle on the path and I pull out my phone to catch the photo. "No one will ever understand us." I write, and post the image to Facebook.





Post-ceremony, Salt Spring Island.

2.2014 -- Meeting The Child

Katherine and I speak every few weeks over winter, trading phone calls punctuated with long silences. As the child grew in her womb, so did my disbelief at what my life had become. She confesses to waking late nights wracked by sobs, stricken with grief. The man in her bed struggles with how to support, but knows he can do little. They rearrange the home and prepare for the baby. They hire a doula and construct the container for a water birth in their living room.



In early February, 9 months from conception, I'm on the ferry heading back to Vancouver for a business meeting. I receive a text from Katherine: "Leila was born this morning at 7:30am. 7 pounds. I did it without drugs, at home. We are well."



For a moment, I had been a man driving on the highway, lost in motion. For a moment, I had forgotten. Pain stabs my heart, and I text back "So this is love. The willingness to be broken, again and again." Then I add "Sending blessings upon your new life."



Katherine is quick to recover. Three days later and she's invited me for coffee near her yoga studio situated in the town where we first met 10 years earlier. This place had become her place. I head to the meeting unsure how to feel. I search my memory for cues from television shows and Hollywood movies. Eventually, I settle on low-grade anxiety.



It's a warm blue-sky day. The street is buzzing with midday shoppers. We spy each other approaching from across the street, a bundle strapped to her chest. Immediately, she bursts out crying, and doesn't stop even when we stand a few feet apart.



She slowly unwraps the bundle and I see the peaceful face of a newborn girl, pink and sleeping. I touch her impossibly tiny fingers.



We sit. She tells me about the birth. The beauty and the pain. An acquaintance walks by with her dog and, ignorant of our separation, compliments us on the birth of our new child. We both smile awkwardly, sadly, and the woman continues likely confused.



I ask Katherine about our dog, Tobi, and how she's adjusting to the new baby. She asks me about my life in a new city.



Soon after, I recognize her partner walking down the street. He doesn't look up, perhaps sensing we are in his vision. I look to Katherine, who glances furtively back at me. I pause... then shout his name and wave him over to us.



He draws up slowly, uncertain what to expect. In that moment, I don't know either. The hurt animal in me wants to strike him square in the jaw, spouting rage and obscenities. The quiet peacemaker in me wants to remain detached, equanimous.



I stand up, and say "Congratulations on your new child, Cameron" and embrace him.



"Thank you," he says with noticeable relief. The moment is over and he continues onward. After he's gone, Katherine whispers her gratitude.



We finish our coffees and are soon delivered back to our separate lives.

5.2015 -- A Quiet Love

The divorce paperwork crawls over the next year. Eventually, we find ourselves in a nondescript notary's office on a hot summer's morning. They aren't ready for our appointment, so we grab lunch at a nearby restaurant. I order a pint. She gets a double gin and tonic.



We catch up on life. Our regular phone talks have dwindled, so we have more to say this time in person. We tacitly avoid the matter at hand. Half an hour later, glasses drained, we head back to the office.



The notary greets us pleasantly. He walks us through the paperwork and points to the signature lines. Katherine and I sign efficiently. The notary shakes our hands and pronounces us officially divorced.



We say our goodbyes and I don't know when I shall see her next.



At home, into the quiet evening, I craft a poem:



Today we signed the paperwork.

What began as a public celebration, ended at an indistinct office with fluorescent lights.

Make no mistake. The end of a marriage is a death.

And must be grieved in a manner befitting the gift of a decade together.

Yet what lies after heartbreak?

Perhaps our remaining challenge is to find the label that adequately conveys what we have become.

We are still searching.

In the meantime, there is soft friendship.

And a quiet love, beneath all.





Our final photo together.



If you enjoyed this piece, please recommend it below and share on social media if inspired.



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Thank you for reading. If you appreciate my work, please consider becoming a monthly supporter.



A version of this post originally appeared on Medium.

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5 Reasons For a Prenup--Even if You Aren't a Celebrity

Co-authored by Alan Plevy, Co-founding Principal at SmolenPlevy



There's nothing classically romantic about prenuptial agreements. Most couples willfully avoid them because they don't want to ruin their blissful idea of a marriage lasting until death do they part. But they can learn from the long list of celebrity splits about what can happen when you don't have a prenup. In one of the most expensive Hollywood divorces, actor/director Mel Gibson reportedly paid $425 million to his ex, Robyn Moore.



Recently, actress Kaley Cuoco, the 30-year old star of the Big Bang Theory and one of TV's highest-paid performers, split from tennis player Ryan Sweeting. Because of a prenuptial agreement, he reportedly will only get a lump sum of $165,000 and $65,000 for legal fees.



But you don't have to be a celebrity to benefit from a prenuptial agreement. Without one, divorce litigation can become costly and complicated. More importantly, a premarital agreement often forces couples to discuss in detail uncomfortable financial issues that they might otherwise have ignored. It is challenging to discuss what debt a person brings to the marriage and the basis of the debt - especially if it is consumer debt, like credit cards. Disclosing a prior bankruptcy can be more difficult than disclosing a prior marriage. A premarital agreement, no matter who brings it up, opens the door to those conversations.



Here are some reasons prenuptial agreements can be useful for couples.



Second marriages/blended families: Often, people have continuing obligations to their prior spouse or to children from a prior relationship. Premarital agreements can determine which assets will be protected or allocated for the children of a prior relationship, and which assets will be safeguarded for the new spouse. Premarital agreements can also protect the new spouse's assets from being used to pay the arrears or debts arising out of their spouse's prior marriage.



If you own a business: Young entrepreneurs rarely imagine a divorce being one of the biggest threats to the stability of their business, but it can significantly impact cash flow, ownership, and productivity. Regardless of whether you started your company before marriage, a spouse may claim a portion of the business appreciation or income. Prenups can classify which assets are separate or marital. This means you and your intended spouse can agree that your business will be considered your separate property and not subject to division upon divorce.



Death or disability: While most people think divorce when they hear about premarital agreements, such agreements can also protect your assets in case of disability or death. Premarital agreements can prevent, or provide a remedy if an estranged spouse retitles or liquidates assets during their spouse's disability.



Debt: Some couples may have more debt than assets. Couples with significantly different debt loads can protect themselves in the same way as couples with vastly different wealth. The couple can agree as to which debt shall be considered a separate, non-marital obligation and how the income of the couple will be allocated during the marriage as to the payment of that debt.



Inheritances: If one or both spouses expect to receive an inheritance over the course of their marriage, a premarital agreement can protect it from division upon death or a divorce. Family heirlooms can also be specified to remain in one spouse's possession.

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What I Learned About Life From My 'OITNB' Character, Crystal Burset

A photo posted by Tanya Wright (@tanyattwright) on Dec 13, 2015 at 8:15am PST

I have been acting since I was a teenager. My first role (and first audition) was playing Theo's girlfriend Tanya on The Cosby Show. Since then, I have appeared on some of the most successful shows of our time: NYPD Blue, 24, ER, The Good Wife. I spent seven seasons as Deputy Kenya Jones on HBO's True Blood and have worked on the Netflix show, Orange Is The New Black since it began. I remember the day I got the script. The scene was the one in season one, episode three where Sophia tells Crystal she is becoming a woman, and Crystal helps her husband-turned-wife dress into woman's clothing for the first time. Netflix was known mostly for streaming movies. But the uber creative Jenji Kohan was at he helm; Jen Euston was casting (I always thought she had great taste in projects) and the incomparable Jodie Foster was directing. Most of all, though, the role of Crystal Burset was unlike any other I had ever seen on television. We would explore a complex relationship under the light of a most extraordinary circumstance shedding light on issues of a group rarely explored in media in a mainstream way: the transgender community. I was in. I remember thinking, "Gosh, I hope someone watches it."



But really, I was just happy that they picked me.







Photo: Scott Roth/Invision/AP



Crystal has been steadfast in her devotion to her family and goes beyond the call of duty this season to get Sophia out of solitary, going so far as to stalk Caputo at his home and open a legal case against the MCC. All while taking care of a son who is on the brink, having her home almost go into foreclosure, and being shunned by her mother.



My life is different -- very different -- from Crystal's. I am a single woman who has been engaged three times. Yes, you read that right. Three! All nice guys, but, ultimately, not ones I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have no children, but I do have a dog that I love (hi, Macarena!) My private life is very simple and quiet while my professional life is loud, extreme and deeply fulfilling.

My life is different -- very different -- from Crystal's.

I've always believe a character comes to an actor at a precise time in the actor's life, with something to teach hime/her. Here are three things I learned from playing Crystal Burset:



COMMITMENT: Ah, the "c" word. I am a very determined and focused person who is good at achieving goals -- even if they take longer than I'd like. I tend to wanna bolt to the exit door, though, whenever I find myself in dramatic situations (I abhor them. And yes, I am an actress! The irony is not lost on me here!) Crystal finds herself in an extreme circumstance, yet she stands by Sophia's side. I've learned a lot about the value of commitment from Crystal. Her willingness to stand by her spouse's side is, arguably, the roughest time in their marriage is beyond admirable. It's almost saint-like. But you get the idea that Crystal is not necessarily a saint, just a woman who makes strong, compassionate choices -- ones that are right for her -- despite what others may think. In my own life in terms of relationship, I will vocalize grievous things once, maybe twice. I am not a yeller or a screamer, so I am often surprised when mates are surprised I've used the exit door on the third take. I am breathtakingly great at exiting; but staying? Oy. Not so much.



LOVE: I am a heterosexual woman. The relationship between Sophia and Crystal illustrates beautifully that love has nothing at all to do with gender. Nor does it have to do with race, education, class, economics or the other myriad things we human beings devise to keep us apart from one another. Love is love. It's a wonderful thing. Period, that's all.

The relationship between Sophia and Crystal illustrates beautifully that love has nothing at all to do with gender.

GRATITUDE: In season two, Sophia correctly intuits that Crystal likes her Pastor in a romantic way and, after some struggle, she gives Crystal permission to date the Pastor. Crystal is able to receive Sophia's blessing -- she says "thank you" -- which allows her to continue to live her life despite the fact that her spouse is incarcerated. In my own experience, the power of these two words cannot be underestimated in this life -- it gives you a sense of peace and the humility that lets you know that no man is an island, and that nothing is done alone -- even if it feels like it sometimes. Gratitude may well be the key to happiness.



I have no idea what will happen between Sophia and Crystal in the coming seasons. Playing her has been one of the great highlights of my lucky career as an actor. I've learned more from Crystal than just about any character I've ever played. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

6 Vital Pieces Of Relationship Advice If You're The Jealous Type

Jealousy can unhinge even the most rational-minded partner. 

Luckily, with some work and close monitoring of your emotional triggers, you can get a handle any jealous urges, said Andrea Wachter, a marriage and family therapist in Northern California. 

"While it's important to ask yourself if your partner is truly doing anything to contribute to your flared feelings, it's most essential to look inward and begin to heal the wounds that jealousy is indicative of," she said. 

Below, Wachter and other marriage therapists offer their best advice for becoming less suspicious in your relationship. 

1. Figure out why you're jealous. 

The first step to becoming less jealous is to recognize why you feel the way you do, said Alicia H. Clark, a psychologist based in Washington, D.C.  Have you always considered yourself the jealous type -- or is there a specific betrayal you're trying to come to grips with from the past?

"Focusing on your feelings will ground you and help you get to the bottom of what's really going on," she said. "Did your partner do something? Are you feeling rejected or afraid of losing your relationship? Notice what you're feeling and experiencing and why. Generally, jealousy has to do with fearing a loss of something you have." 

2. When you feel insecure, tell your partner. 

There's no point in keeping your emotions bottled up. When something triggers your spidey sense, mention it -- but don't assign blame, said Anne Crowley, an Austin, Texas-based psychologist. 

"Try to express your feelings of jealousy and insecurity without accusing your partner of wrongdoing," she said. "If you frame it like, 'I didn't like the way you were talking to that woman. It made me feel insecure,' then your partner has an opportunity to respond calmly to your underlying feelings, whether it's fear, frustration, anxiety or insecurity." 

That approach is a lot more constructive than confronting your partner with anger, Crowley said.

"If you say, 'I saw how you looked at her. Are you two having an affair?!' he'll probably get defensive," she explained. "When you lead with your emotions ('I felt really uncomfortable...'), your partner has a better chance to respond and reassure you." 

3. Recognize when jealousy is called for and when it isn't.

The next time you flip out over another girls' night out, ask yourself if there's really cause for alarm or if you're allowing insecurities to get the best of you. 

"If your partner isn't doing anything inappropriate but you're still feeling jealous, figure out what triggers you," she said. "See how far back your feelings go and what you need to soothe and reassure yourself. And within reason, consider what you might need from your partner to feel more at ease." 

If you make a request of your partner -- say, asking them to send a check-in text at some point during the evening -- let them know you're aware that the issue lies with you and they've done nothing wrong.

"Tell them you're working on feeling more secure and this is one way they can help you do that," Wachter said. 

4. Realize this is going to more of an uphill battle if there's infidelity in your past. 

If you've been cheated on in the past, working through your distrust is going to be a lot harder, Crowley said.

"One way to be a less jealous partner is to catch yourself when you engage in jealous thoughts -- and then stop yourself," she recommended. "Give yourself a reassuring self-talk where you consider how much more loyal your current partner is compared to your last S.O."

Then, try your hardest to let it go, she said. "Don't allow yourself to ruminate on jealous thoughts -- it will just make it worse for you and your relationship."

5. Suggest to your partner constructive ways to quell your jealousy. 

You can't remember the last time you and spouse went out to eat. Meanwhile, she goes out to lunch with her coworkers every other day. If there's something your spouse does with others that you wish she'd do with you, bring it up, said Stephanie Buehler, a Southern California-based psychologist. 

"Don't make your partner defensive," she explained. "Just gently suggest that perhaps they need to make changes in their own life to accommodate you." 

6. Take ownership of your jealousy and directly ask for what you need from your partner. 

The bottom line is that you -- not your partner -- need to be the first to address your insecurity and suggest ways to build trust, said Crowley. 

"If you are worried about him going out with the guys, tell him. It does not mean that he needs to come home earlier or that he can't go out but ideally, talking about it will leave you in a better state when he leaves," she said. "When we communicate and believe our partners 'tell us everything,' there is more security in the relationship and less reason to be jealous." 

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

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10 Examples Of Why Things Happen for a Reason, and How You Will Move On

This is a concept that I tell my patients quote often. It is something that is hard to grasp or believe in the midst of a break up, but it could not be truer. Think of the phrase, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." It is the idea that no matter how good, or how painful a role they played, they taught us something, something that will reveal itself to us at some point. This goes hand in hand with the concept of everything happening for a reason. While there may be unpleasant lessons that happen through break-ups, they are lessons nonetheless. We have to be open to the pain and difficulty, to be truly open to what it is we are supposed to gain from an experience. It can be difficult at times, to think in terms of everything happening for a reason, but it can also be helpful. At times when we are going through a particularly difficult time, such as after a split, it can be very comforting to think that there is a purpose to this, and there will be a use for what I am going through this very moment. Here is some sage advice about just this point:



1) "Realize that if a door closed, it's because what was behind it wasn't meant for you."

― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass



2) "Eventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON."

-- Albert Schweitzer



3) "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

-- Marilyn Monroe



4) "There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you're the one that will change theirs."

- Angel Flonis Harefa



5) "I trust that everything happens for a reason, even if we are not wise enough to see it."

-- Oprah Winfrey



6) "Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, be strong and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

-- John Mayer



7) "Do you believe that there are no coincidences in life? Everything happens for a reason. Every person we meet have a roll in our life, either it is big or small. Some will hurt, betray and make us cry. Some will teach us lesson, not to change us, but to make us to be a better person."

-- Cynthia Rusli



8) Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. Walter Anderson



9) Miracles happen every day, change your perception of what a miracle is and you'll see them all around you. Jon Bon Jovi



10) Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen. Michael Jordan



Just remember that you can survive anything that you set your mind too, and while it may not feel like it at the time, you will survive your break up. You may not be sure the reason, or what is ahead for you, but it might be and can be great. Just take a step back and think about the message. Good things may lay ahead for you.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

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Co-Parenting Post Divorce -- Turning Challenges Into Opportunities

Take Off Your Armor and Put Down Your Sword



You may have been fighting for months or years over child support, custody, assets and personal property. Now that the divorce is over, you may feel overly sensitive, tender, suspicious and still defensive. Shifting out of your protective 'armor', letting down your defenses and being open to some flexibility within the parameters of your settlement agreement takes a conscious effort. Life is not black and white and the most well thought-out shared parenting plan is bound to run up against real life and the need for give and take.



How Important Is It?



I had a client who finally divorced and found his ex asking to switch a weekend and for a little more time that Sunday night. His response was, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!! THAT IS MY TIME!" With a little inquiry it turned out that the switched weekend had an upside for him and he had no particular plans that would preclude his ex from enjoying part of that Sunday night. However, his perspective was, "She is not going to take advantage of me anymore..." This type of reaction is understandable after a long battle, yet not very productive for creating the best possible experience for your children or for fostering flexibility and good will with your ex.



This client was tired of being bullied by his ex and giving in on so much during the divorce. He wanted to set boundaries (understandably) but was inadvertently creating steel walls (boundaries are flexible and allow for openness). When he next needed mom to be flexible, his request would be less likely to be greeted with openness. Being cooperative and flexible in co- parenting is best for everyone.



He Didn't Say What You Heard!



If you found it hard to communicate while married, chances are no one has changed dramatically and communication will continue be difficult. Imagine you have a filter in your ear. It includes your judgement, insecurity, fear and unforgiveness. It is the filter through which you interpret everything that is said to you. For instance, you believe your ex always finds you 'at fault'. He begins talking to you about a problem, you hear accusation and get defensive, he reacts to your defensiveness and jabs back...and the two of you are off to the races!



Communication Tool: Stop and Clarify



Once your ex talks (especially if you are triggered), reiterate what you heard him say. He can then clarify or confirm. If he needs to clarify, you again reiterate what he said. Once you are in agreement with what he said, you can then respond to his words rather than your interpretation of his words.



Ex says: "There has been a problem with Mary getting to school on time"



You hear: You can't seem to get Mary to school on time.



Ex clarifys: "That is not what I said. I am pointing out that we need to figure out what the problem is and make sure Mary gets to school on time"



You respond: "Okay, I hear you saying that you want to discuss both the problem and a solution to get Mary to school on time.



Ex says: Exactly



You share: At my house, Mary gets up early and is ready on time. Sometimes she gets distracted.



Ex responds: Are you saying I don't get her up early enough at my house?



You clarify: That is not at all what I am saying. What I am sharing is that I realize while she rises early, she gets distracted and as a result, we end up running late. I'm curious, what unfolds during her mornings with you?



When you STOP AND CLARIFY what the speaker is saying, you are more likely to be HAVING THE SAME CONVERSATION rather than reacting to YOUR INTERPRETATION of the speaker's words.



Acceptance: Your Ex Will Continue His/Her Typical Behavior



The issues that moved you toward divorce have not changed with your marital status. If your ex is difficult, if s/he has addictions, control issues, a personality disorder (or two), has anger management issues, is always late or untrustworthy, chances are they are still that way.



When you become angry or frustrated; when you continue to get upset by your ex...NOTICE YOUR PART. They did not change. If they wanted to or could have, (if you wanted to or could have) you might not be divorced. Therein lies the challenge...how do you co-parent with a person you could not 'partner' with in marriage?



Accepting how they behave will release an enormous amount of stress and tension. You have to let go of 'it's not fair'. This is NOT about accepting unacceptable behavior. You are accepting that there behavior continues to be what it has been. In acceptance, you are now empowered to respond rather than react or act surprised when your ex shows up as he/she usually does.



For instance: If you ex is often late, YOU KNOW they will most likely show up late to get the kids and drop them off. Expect that noon really means 2pm. Create a Plan B - have a back up babysitter, so that their behavior does not control your plans.



If you ex is a poor communicator, YOU KNOW they will most likely not communicate, or at least not do it well, when you want to know what is going on with the kids. Set up a strategy to get what you need. ie. "I have not heard from you about taking the kids this weekend, if I don't hear by day's end, I will make other arrangements for them. No worries." If your ex has no filter, YOU KNOW they will most likely talk to the kids about age inappropriate stuff.



Use this behavior to teach your children (you can still mold them, but not your ex). Help them speak their truth, understand their emotional reaction, set boundaries.



If your ex has anger management issues, YOU KNOW they will most likely get angry at you or the kids unnecessarily.



This is an opportunity for everyone to learn to NOT take his or her words personally (if they are abusive, it is not about you.) You can teach your children to understand their reaction to the parent's words, become clear about what they want to ask for (doesn't matter if they get it...they should still ask) and teach them to set boundaries. If your ex has issues with truth and trust, YOU KNOW they will most likely not be totally honest and transparent with your around issues of the kids Don't be surprised when they are dishonest, evasive or unwilling to share pertinent information. Consider what you have the power to do.



I could go on...please feel free to add your particular struggle here.



There are many other situations that come up. The key is to step away from the belief that you are a victim of your ex's behavior and become aware of your options. Open your perspective to what those options are and teach your children through every difficult experience they face; in doing so, you turn every challenge into an opportunity.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

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This Is What Goes Through Your Mind While Getting Ready For A Date

Getting ready for a date and willing yourself to meet someone new is utterly terrifying -- especially if you're newly single and dating again after a split or dry spell. 

In the BuzzFeed video above, we get a tutorial on prepping for a date in seven not-so-easy steps, from changing your hair approximately 37 times, to finally pushing yourself out the door in spite of your nerves. 

The last step? "Manage to successfully overcome the crushing existential dread, get up and go be a person," the narrator says, which may be some of the most solid dating advice we've ever heard.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

An Inspirational Divorce

If you have ever gotten divorced, you will always remember that moment in time when you realized your life was changing forever. I do. I remember where I was standing when that fateful text came through on his phone and I saw it. I remember the ground opening up in slow motion and me falling like Alice through the rabbit hole only to look up from below to see a very tiny prick of light so very far above and wondering how I was ever going to reach it again. But you do, and as you climb your way up, you learn and you grow and you emerge into the sunlight a different person.



Friends always asked, "How did you do it?" and as Peter Pan said, "Faith, trust and a little bit of pixie dust." Well, actually, my pixie dust came in the form of 3x5 index cards that lined my bathroom mirror. It worked so well for me I have passed this exercise of empowerment onto my clients.



Below you will find motivational/empowerment quotes I used. Write them on 3x5 cards and keep them on your bathroom counter. Every morning flip through them till one jumps out at you and tape it on your mirror. Sometimes I had up to five cards up there at one time because I felt they were so inspiring. Now here is an added bonus -- my kids saw them as well. One day I walked into my son's room and he had two of his own on his mirror. By doing this, you are constantly empowering yourself and in the process teaching your children how to find the light in the darkness.



- How do you view your life? Are you a victim or an explorer on a quest for a new and exciting life?



- I am developing a new image of myself. I am a warrior. I have strength and peace. I am in control. I am not a victim.



-It's not so much what is happening in that moment or in our lives. It's our thoughts about what is happening that causes us great stress. Control your thoughts and you control the situation.



- Always listen to your heart. Do not let it harden.



- The fear of something is always greater than the thing you fear.



- The point was to free yourself from something that costs your heart even more. -- Paolo Coelho



- Everything that begins also ends. Make peace with that and all will be well. -- Buddha



- In the midst of winter, I discovered within me an invincible summer. -- Albert Carnus



- Slide your Katherine Hepburn glasses on and face the day.



- A person can justify anything. Don't let their justification become your reality.



- Surround yourself with positive people and activities.



- Divorce is a sad, traumatic "time" in one's life. Don't make it a "lifetime" event.



- When you fall into that abyss, take a deep breath, put it all into perspective, and climb out. No relationship is worth residence there.



- Divorce is not the worst thing that can happen; losing yourself is the worst thing.



- Do not let fear cloud your decisions.



- Whoever angers you, controls you.



- Divorce is about one's life changing, but not one's life being taken away.



- You've come too far to give up now. You are closer than you think.



- Do not be a slave to others' opinions. Discard them as you would rotten food. For nothing good will come out of holding on to others' opinions. Your heart knows the truth.



People always say this is a new chapter, but I say, "Hell, this is a new book and I am the writer, the director and the heroine." You be the same and I'll see you on the New York Times bestseller list!

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