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What This Portrait Of My Grandma Reminds Me About Love

If there's ever a time you need a little distraction in your life, it's during the divorce process. That's why we launched our Divorce Care Package series. With each post, we'll show you what things -- books, movies, recipes -- helped others relieve stress in the midst of divorce, in the hopes that a few of their picks will serve you well too. Want to share what got you through your divorce? Email us atdivorce@huffingtonpost.com.

When her marriage ended after seven years, children's book author A.S. Chung found comfort in expected and unexpected places.

Below, Chung, who lives in Melbourne, Australia with her toddler, tells us more about what helped her heal after her divorce three years ago.

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20160222 - Battle lines being redrawn in Baltimore's war on drugs

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If You Grew Up With Divorced Parents, This Music Video Will Hit Home

If your parents divorced when you were a kid (and these days, that describes a lot of us), this song might make you a little teary-eyed.

In a new music video for "When You Love Someone," up-and-coming singer-songwriter James TW explores just how heartbreaking it can be to find out your parents are splitting up.

The 18-year-old British crooner wrote the song after learning that the parents of a young drumming student he taught were getting divorced.

"The first thing I thought was how are they going to explain it to him in a positive way and one where he would understand," he said in a statement to HuffPost. "I wanted there to be a song that he could listen to which would make him feel better about everything that was going on."

The music video nails the experience of watching your parents divorce, from the pre-split fights they try to shield you from, to eventually realizing you'll always be family, regardless of their divorce.

Watch the full music video above.

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Even Lawyers Are Falling for This Jury Duty Scam

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There Are No Winners...

A common theme I have noticed in divorce situations is the desire between the exes to prove who is "the winner" and who is "the loser." The conclusion I have reached is that if there are two parents who want to prove that they are the winner, then although the winner may be inconclusive... the loser is certain.

The KIDS are the losers.

Why do people have this innate desire to WIN? I know winning brings a feeling of euphoria, but why do these people choose this particular circumstance to try to win when the balance in the lives of their own children is the high price that is at stake?

The truth of the matter is that in divorce there are no winners. As I have written numerous times in the past, we are adults and we can get over ourselves and the situation. However, our ENTIRE focus should be on keeping things as balanced and normal as possible for our kids.

When I hear a child say, "I don't want both parents there because that's just weird," then I immediately know that his or her parents handled the divorce wrong. Of course, this is assuming that there is no abuse present and that both parents are otherwise well-functioning people. The kids whose parents have put their own agendas aside for their kids are the kids who are comfortable loving both mom and dad, even in the same place -- school performances, games, birthday parties. It's the kids whose parents have tried their best to alienate their ex or undermine their ex who just want to avoid any contact between their parents because they know it won't end well.

I get angry even as I type that because I just can't understand how anyone who is any kind of a parent at all can purposefully put themselves and their own agenda above the happiness and security of their own children. I think those sad individuals are the ones who were probably never given role models on how to correctly behave in divorce situations. And I'll take that even further to say they probably had no role model on how to be a respectable adult either.

Listen to your children. If (minus an abusive situation) they are not comfortable being near you both or they try to avoid situations where they have to invite you both to events, then YOU HAVE FAILED. You may feel like a winner because you have successfully convinced anyone who will listen how terribly you were wronged and how they too should despise your ex. Sorry, you can hang up your white hat because you don't deserve it.

With that being said, it's never too late to right the wrongs of the past.

Seek help. Even if your ex is unwilling, then you and your spouse need to attend co-parenting counseling on how to best help return some normalcy in the lives of your children. Therapists can be a great resource. I've gotten calls from two different friends who have recently started going to counseling with their ex and they both bring their spouses. If you can't imagine doing that, then you need to rethink your priorities. In my opinion, those four couples are WINNERS. They are putting aside their own comfort to ensure the happiness of their children.

I'm excited about the future in our lives as we work hard to right the wrongs. At least I can go to bed at night and know that through it all we have given it our best. I'm hopeful. The kids deserve normalcy since they didn't ask to go on this roller coaster with us. I want our kids to be the winners... even if it's our expense.

What are you willing to do to fix your parenting failures??????

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20160218 - 2 Los Angeles Police Officers Accused of Repeated Sexual Assaults

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by Liam Stack, The New York Times

2016-02-18

7 Reasons Your Wife Isn't Interested In Having Sex With You

When your wife isn't interested in getting busy, it's all too easy to assume she's not interested in you anymore, either.

But don't jump to conclusions or give up on your sex life just yet, said Tammy Nelson, a sexologist and the author of Getting the Sex You Want.

"You might stop initiating sex out of fear of rejection but if you want to get the sparks flying again, it might be up to you to try," she told HuffPost.

Below, Nelson and other sex experts share some of the emotional and physical reasons your wife may be distant -- and what you can do to increase intimacy again.

1. She's dissatisfied with the relationship.

For many women, sexual desire is directly linked to how they're feeling about the relationship. If your wife is annoyed with you or otherwise dissatisfied with the marriage, having sex may be the furthest thing from her mind, said Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a psychologist who writes Psychology Today's "Fulfillment At Any Age" blog.

"You need to ask your partner to find out what she's thinking," Krauss Whitbourne said. "She might point out something as insignificant as one of your annoying household or grooming habits -- or she might share a larger issue, like a problem with mutual respect or communication."

2. Sex may be painful for her.

With age comes wisdom... but also considerably more hiccups in the bedroom. If sex is painful or uncomfortable for your wife, it makes sense that intimacy has gotten the short shrift, said Elizabeth McGrath, a sex therapist and educator who works in the Bay Area.

"Both women and men experience physical and hormonal fluctuations," she said. "For women, such fluctuations might impact sexual drive along with things like physical readiness for sex, changes in vaginal wetness and simply 'feeling sexy.'"

If that's the case, McGrath said one of the best things you can do is remind your spouse you're still attracted to her, find out when she feels most relaxed and explore new options like lubricant.

McGrath also said to remember to take things slow: "Women have a sexual arousal period that is longer than men so when sex goes too fast from one thing to the next it can be hard to get turned on with the same speed."

3. You're letting days go by without touching.

Sex is about so much more than just, well, sex. It's the slow buildup, the kiss you exchange at the beginning of the day. It's prioritizing touch to show your spouse the attraction is as strong as ever, Nelson said.

"Focus on physical touch and affection every day and don't jump into sex too fast," she advised. "Sit next to her on the couch. Hold her hand. Rub her neck. Don't make her think that you only want to touch her to have sex."

4. She's utterly exhausted.

"Not tonight, honey, I'm too tired" sometimes really does just mean "not tonight, honey, I'm way too tired." After a busy day of work, school drop-offs and household errands, it's very likely that your spouse is too exhausted to even think about having sex, said McGrath.

"Exhaustion is real; women need a chance to feel 'full' energetically and nourished," she said. "If your partner has no time for herself or room to rest, relax and recharge her batteries, it can be difficult to give sexually."

To remedy this, give each other some alone time and "experiment with how intimacy feels after she's had some time just for her," McGrath said.

5. She's grown a little bored with you.

Years ago, sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson suggested that all that's necessary to maintain a satisfying sex life as we get older is "reasonably good health and an interested and interesting partner."

Ask yourself: When your spouse looks at you today, does she still see the interesting, compelling guy she fell in love with -- or have you lost some of your luster?

"Even if you're far younger than the people Masters and Johnson were referring to, it's possible that you have lost some of your former edge," said Krauss Whitbourne.

To "get back some of what made you alluring in the first place," explore your personal interests and reconnect with the person you are outside of your marriage, she said.

6. Sex has become routine.

Over time, your sex life may have gone from hot to humdrum. If you or your wife feel that sex has become too predicable -- same time, same place, same positions -- it may be time to mix things up, said Dawn Michael, an author and sexologist.

"Change the scene, make the bedroom sexy and romantic by adding candles and soft music -- really set the stage for romance," she said. "Use your imagination to role play with each other. Most of all have fun; it's OK to giggle and tease each other. Allowing yourself to let go and enjoy the moment and the person you're sharing it with can be intimate and sexy."

7. She's not feeling emotionally connected.

Instead of dwelling on your lackluster sex life, focus a little more on the emotional connection you share with your wife, Nelson said.

"Sometimes, feeling emotionally connected before sex helps women to feel turned on before they have sex. And guess what? This is true for men, too," she said. "Try sharing with each other three things you appreciate about your relationship. Repeat it back so you are sure you got it before moving on to the next one."

Then, Nelson recommends expanding the conversation by quizzing each other about the three things you enjoy about having sex.

"By the time you are through with this simple exercise, you'll feel emotionally connected and you might think about what brought you together in the first place," she said. "You might even feel turned on enough to start something sexy."

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20160218 - A Poll-Tested Message for Criminal-Justice Reform

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2016-02-18

Why There Is No Such Thing as a Blended Family

I'm a stepmom and proud of it. But, I truly believe there's nothing blended about marrying someone who brings kids to the marriage while you also bring kids to the marriage. Or, later the two of you add a kid to the mix, which is what I can speak to. Stirred, mixed, grouped together, cobbled, mingled, but not blended.

That doesn't mean that putting families together can't work, and work reasonably well. We've made it work, and I think we rank right up there on the "exceeds expectations" end of the scale. The fact is there is no golden guidebook that provides any solutions, let alone a one-size-fits-all plan. Frankly, it's challenging even when all parties play nice. And, even when they attempt to they often aren't performing to the shared tune of what "playing nice" really means.

The important point here is that it's okay to not buy into the blended family concept. The very definition explains why: "To combine or associate so that the separate constituents or the line of demarcation cannot be distinguished." This definition speaks to blending eye shadow from the perfect palette, or blending smoothies to the point of complete togetherness between bananas and strawberries, or blending patches of a quilt until you've formed one single piece. It connotes melding of people and personalities, and no family wants that, divorced or not.

I had never been married when I met my now husband, and overnight I gained an instant family. The part I don't wish on others and what I went through is the guilt when it wasn't all picket fences and posies. My husband's kids hated me at times, and I hated the situation. Yet, hate in these scenarios is really about loss and fear, and there is no Chapter 4 of a manual telling you it's not as bad as it feels and the hate you feel really isn't hate. But it lures you into taking on a disguise where you're the dark and scary villain, and acting evil feels better than acting any other way.

I remember early in my marriage, the first couple of years, playing the villain well. I didn't know any better.

I had no manual or person to talk to about my experience and what it felt like to be the villain, or as some called me, the wicked stepmother.

Being me was painful. I sucked often. I behaved badly, the kids behaved badly, the kids' mother matched the bad behavior and my husband was perpetually caught in a balancing act in the middle, which leads to dysfunction and far from blended.

Fast forward nearly 20 years. Behaviors are better. Our combined family loves each other, we share mutual respect, we enjoy family gatherings, we're there for each other in good and bad times, and we all remember how far we've come. It feels good, and right. We've navigated a graduation, a family wedding, a baby shower, holidays and other awkward moments with the other side of the family. And, we've survived with only minor "blending" scars.

Now if only we could come up with a word to replace "blended." Maybe bound, not like in bondage, but bound together with love. It has possibility. Or, amalgamated? That easily rolls off the tongue. Maybe merged? Yet, we're not a company. I'm not so sure we need any adjective to define us. We're family, and that sounds just right to me.

Debra Carnes is a working mom by day and blogger by night. You'll find this post and others on her blog at A Touch of Clash.

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20160218 - As Alabama goes, so goes Florida in reaching death penalty fix

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This Baker Turned Her Breakup Into One Delicious Photo Series

After her relationship ended last spring, Brooklyn-based graphic artist Isabella Giancarlo couldn't shake the words she and her ex exchanged during the breakup.

"For me, a loss of appetite typically accompanies the end of a relationship so I thought, how could I sweeten words that initially took my appetite away?" she told HuffPost.

The answer to that question is Eat Your Heart Out, a witty -- and totally delicious looking -- photo series that uses cakes and pies to tell breakup stories.

Initially, Giancarlo used her own words of heartbreak as inspiration, but soon enough, friends and strangers began submitting stories on her site.

"The most common response when people see the photos is 'oof' or a smile and cringe," she said.

"You don't need to understand the intricacies of a relationship to feel the weight of the final words on the pies and cakes," Giancarlo told us. "It shows that heartbreak is pretty universal in that it's not limited by age, race, sex or sexuality."

See more photos below and check out the artist's Instagram to see the series unfold.

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