The city of Chicago has filed in a $300 million lawsuit against the former vendor for its controversial red-light camera ticketing program, seeking damages because…
Monday, August 31, 2015
Chicago files $300M suit over red-light camera program
Birthright Citizenship -- Can States Decide?
Ever since the Fourteenth Amendment was passed in 1868, the U.S. Constitution has guaranteed the citizenship of any person born in the United States. But in the past few weeks, Republican presidential candidates have been calling for an end...
The Faceless Court
Angela Huyue Zhang King's College London – The Dickson Poon School of Law investigates The Faceless Court. ABSTRACT: This Article is the first to study EU competition law by examining the behavior of judges and their law clerks (officially entitled...
20150831 - Report shows deep racial disparity in arrests in Madison
Report shows deep racial disparity in arrests in Madison August 30, 2015 Milwaukee Journal Sentinel 2015-08-30
7 Inspiring Celebrity Quotes About Divorce In Your 20s
Getting divorced when you're young definitely has its disadvantages: It's no fun having to tell a potential love interest that yep, you're a divorcé at 27 (or 22 or 29 -- whatever the case may be). And good luck trying to quiet your inner pessimistic voice when friends tell you they're getting married.
But think of the perks of divorcing a little earlier in life than others: You're learning the hard relationship lessons it takes some people years to fully grasp.
The celebs below -- including Scarlett Johansson and Olivia Wilde -- all divorced in their 20s and learned a great deal about relationships because of it. Read what they had to say about divorce below.
More from HuffPost:
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Life After Ashley Madison
You went on Ashley Madison to check it out. You were curious. You wanted to know what all the hoopla was about. You entered your email; you paid for an account. And now your spouse is sitting across from you in the therapist's office, and you are wondering when the session will end and how much money this will set you back -- how much emotional destruction this will cause in your marriage.
The damage has already been done. But don't sign the divorce papers yet. There are still several possible outcomes.
One, it is unlikely that your spouse will leave you for an affair that occurred primarily in your mind. If you were only on Ashley Madison for the fantasy, because it sounded intriguing, you were curious or you were using it for masturbatory imagery, tell your partner the truth. It is more common than you think for people to join dating and cheating websites only to look around. Sometimes, people look around or even chat with someone by email, but never, in fact, make a date.
Two, if you did meet up with someone for sex, you are more likely going to suffer the consequences in your marriage if you lie about it, cover it up or try to justify it. Most people don't break up after an affair because of the sex or outside relationship; they end their marriage because of the dishonesty.
Tell the truth now, and come clean about your motivation. This could be the moment you have been waiting for to change your life. In therapy, you get to talk to your spouse about what made you decide to cheat. You have a willing audience and an impartial, trained observer who can help you navigate this dangerous territory. Be honest. At this point, what do you have to lose? They already know you went on the cheating website. You weren't trawling for porn, you were looking for real people, and they know that.
Three, if you cheated, don't blame your partner for your indiscretion. Explain what motivated you. Researchers say there are really three reasons to cheat; for sex, for romance or for the combination of sex and romance.
Perhaps there are ways that you can get back some of what was missing in your marriage now, if you work on it. Go back to the person you met on Ashley Madison and end the affair with integrity, do it like a grown-up, apologize if you hurt them, and then say goodbye. Now focus, and put some real effort into your marriage. Give it a finite period of time where you are both willing to give it all you got, and then decide at the end of that time if it is worth saving.
Is it worth ending your marriage over an affair? Only seven percent of people stay with the person they leave their spouse for, and no statistics exist for whether or not an affair works out for people who meet on cheating websites. However, its doubtful you will meet someone who will leave their partner for you if they were registered on a site that is meant purely for affairs.
Lastly, if you are truly innocent, and someone else used your email address and your partner found your data through the hackers leak online, you may be telling the truth. The authenticity of users emails on the site has been questioned and there is no way to verify that info. An official at Ashley Madison said Thursday the data exposed in the dump can't be conclusively linked to its users because they don't verify the addresses of their users, so anyone can use any email they put in to the system. And why would a spouse use a common email that could be checked by a spouse?
If you are a woman, the statistics are in your favor that you are telling the truth if you say you were never on the site. Gizmodo did an independent analysis of the site and said that of the 5.5 million women subscribers, only 1,492 women ever opened their inbox to look at messages, inferring that perhaps these were fake female profiles.
If you want to save your marriage, and perhaps come out of this post-Ashley Madison scandal unscathed, or even stronger, you might want to use this crisis as an opportunity to work on your relationship. Start with communication. Talk to your partner about your needs, your desires, your fantasies. What is it that you want in your marriage?
Studies show that affairs don't necessarily mean that you are unhappy with your partner or in your marriage. In fact, the research says that 56% of men and 34% of women said their marriage was "happy" or "very happy," and that they were having good sex, even during their affair. So don't write off your partner or your marriage yet.
Get a good therapist. And next time you go online, tell your spouse what you are doing, ask them to join you, or email them instead. Illicit fantasy works just as well when you send naked photos to your spouse. Just watch out for the hackers.
Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert and the author of The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship after Infidelity, and can be found at www.drtammynelson.com
The damage has already been done. But don't sign the divorce papers yet. There are still several possible outcomes.
One, it is unlikely that your spouse will leave you for an affair that occurred primarily in your mind. If you were only on Ashley Madison for the fantasy, because it sounded intriguing, you were curious or you were using it for masturbatory imagery, tell your partner the truth. It is more common than you think for people to join dating and cheating websites only to look around. Sometimes, people look around or even chat with someone by email, but never, in fact, make a date.
Two, if you did meet up with someone for sex, you are more likely going to suffer the consequences in your marriage if you lie about it, cover it up or try to justify it. Most people don't break up after an affair because of the sex or outside relationship; they end their marriage because of the dishonesty.
Tell the truth now, and come clean about your motivation. This could be the moment you have been waiting for to change your life. In therapy, you get to talk to your spouse about what made you decide to cheat. You have a willing audience and an impartial, trained observer who can help you navigate this dangerous territory. Be honest. At this point, what do you have to lose? They already know you went on the cheating website. You weren't trawling for porn, you were looking for real people, and they know that.
Three, if you cheated, don't blame your partner for your indiscretion. Explain what motivated you. Researchers say there are really three reasons to cheat; for sex, for romance or for the combination of sex and romance.
Perhaps there are ways that you can get back some of what was missing in your marriage now, if you work on it. Go back to the person you met on Ashley Madison and end the affair with integrity, do it like a grown-up, apologize if you hurt them, and then say goodbye. Now focus, and put some real effort into your marriage. Give it a finite period of time where you are both willing to give it all you got, and then decide at the end of that time if it is worth saving.
Is it worth ending your marriage over an affair? Only seven percent of people stay with the person they leave their spouse for, and no statistics exist for whether or not an affair works out for people who meet on cheating websites. However, its doubtful you will meet someone who will leave their partner for you if they were registered on a site that is meant purely for affairs.
Lastly, if you are truly innocent, and someone else used your email address and your partner found your data through the hackers leak online, you may be telling the truth. The authenticity of users emails on the site has been questioned and there is no way to verify that info. An official at Ashley Madison said Thursday the data exposed in the dump can't be conclusively linked to its users because they don't verify the addresses of their users, so anyone can use any email they put in to the system. And why would a spouse use a common email that could be checked by a spouse?
If you are a woman, the statistics are in your favor that you are telling the truth if you say you were never on the site. Gizmodo did an independent analysis of the site and said that of the 5.5 million women subscribers, only 1,492 women ever opened their inbox to look at messages, inferring that perhaps these were fake female profiles.
If you want to save your marriage, and perhaps come out of this post-Ashley Madison scandal unscathed, or even stronger, you might want to use this crisis as an opportunity to work on your relationship. Start with communication. Talk to your partner about your needs, your desires, your fantasies. What is it that you want in your marriage?
Studies show that affairs don't necessarily mean that you are unhappy with your partner or in your marriage. In fact, the research says that 56% of men and 34% of women said their marriage was "happy" or "very happy," and that they were having good sex, even during their affair. So don't write off your partner or your marriage yet.
Get a good therapist. And next time you go online, tell your spouse what you are doing, ask them to join you, or email them instead. Illicit fantasy works just as well when you send naked photos to your spouse. Just watch out for the hackers.
Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert and the author of The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship after Infidelity, and can be found at www.drtammynelson.com
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Can You Adopt a Refugee Child?
The current refugee crisis in Africa, the Middle East, and Europe has left many wondering how to help. Syrian refugees especially have been fleeing their homeland and making dangerous treks to Italy, Greece, and beyond. Many efforts to help...
The Rise and Fall of Cartels with Multi-Market Colluders
J. Zhou, Tilburg Law and Economics Center (TILEC) examines The Rise and Fall of Cartels with Multi-Market Colluders. Abstract: The majority of cartels discovered by the European Commission (EC) over the last 30 years involved firms that engaged in collusion...
20150828 - ACLU says Utah is failing you on your right to a lawyer
ACLU says Utah is failing you on your right to a lawyer August 27, 2015 by Ben Winslow, FOX13 Salt Lake City 2015-08-27
How to Negotiate Your Divorce Without Losing Your Shirt
Most lawyers will tell you not to even try to negotiate your own divorce settlement. That's because most lawyers believe that they can negotiate for you better than you can negotiate for yourself.
For many people, that is probably true. Negotiating, especially with someone you can barely stand to speak to anymore, is tough. Negotiating something as emotional as your own divorce, is even tougher. But, it's not rocket science either. For many people, it's also necessary -- hiring high-powered attorneys and fighting in court is just too expensive.
What many divorcing couples don't realize is that, even if they have lawyers, they often end up negotiating at least a part of their case themselves. Either their lawyers are arguing in circles and getting nowhere (while the legal bills mount up), or the couple just gets so sick of fighting that they work out a deal on their own.
While divorce negotiations are definitely not for everyone, negotiating even a part of your own divorce settlement can save you time and money, if you do it right! Here are 10 tips for how to negotiate your divorce directly with your soon-to-be-ex.
1. Understand Your Finances BEFORE You Open Your Mouth. If you don't know what your financial situation is, or you don't understand your finances, you MUST get help BEFORE you negotiate anything! You wouldn't ride in a car being driven by a blind man. Don't try to negotiate yourself unless you have a firm grasp on your finances and understand what you own and owe.
If you need help, hire a financial advisor to explain your finances to you. If, after doing that, you still don't feel comfortable talking about finances, or you don't understand how they work, then don't negotiate for yourself! The cost of lawyer-led negotiation is nothing compared to what you will lose by negotiating a bad deal.
2. Make Sure You Understand What the Law Requires and Allows, Especially When it Comes to Your Kids. Judges care about children. Unless they are given a really good reason not to do so, they will require you to comply with the child support laws of your state. They will require a parenting schedule that allows both you and your spouse to have a relationship with your children. They will demand that your overall divorce settlement be fair.
You don't need to have a law degree to understand the basics of what you need to know to negotiate your divorce settlement. Spend an hour or two with your lawyer or a divorce educator learning how the divorce system works and what the law requires. Do your homework before you start negotiating.
3. Know What You Want. This sounds so simple. Yet so many people wander through their divorce wanting "what's fair" without ever stopping to consider what "fair" really looks like. Be precise. What exactly do you want? Write it down. Write all of your "wants" down. Then rank them in order of importance. You will never get everything you want, but if you know what is most important, you can negotiate for that.
4. Know What You Need. To know what you need you have to have a budget and a balance sheet. You need to know what you and your spouse earn, what you have, and what you owe. Having enough income and support to be able to pay your bills is not just a want, it is a need. That is something you should not bargain away.
5. Know What Your Spouse Wants and Needs. The more insight you have into what your spouse wants and needs, the more you can negotiate in a manner that will satisfy both of you. You may think you don't care about what your spouse wants or needs, but that kind of attitude is short-sighted. The more you can create a "win-win" situation for both of you, the more likely you are to succeed in settling your case amicably.
6. Know Your Bottom Line. As Kenny Rogers says, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." If your spouse won't settle on terms you can live with, then you have to be ready and able to walk away. Sometimes, only a judge can make someone become reasonable. You also need to reality check your settlement proposal and make sure that you are not the one who is being unreasonable. (Hint: If your lawyer tells you your demands are unrealistic, listen!)
7. Check Your Emotions at the Door. Yes, this one is tough. This is why most people would rather let their lawyer negotiate their divorce than try to do it themselves. But nothing will derail your discussion faster than falling back into the same old argument you have had with your spouse for the last few years of your marriage. Also, if things get too heated, take a break. Don't start talking again until things have cooled down.
8. Be Willing to Brainstorm Alternatives. Your way is not the only way to do things. (Sorry!) Try to keep an open mind. Ask your lawyer and financial advisor to help come up with various settlement scenarios that might meet your needs, your spouse's needs, and your children's needs. Listen to your spouse's ideas. The more options you have to choose from, the more likely it is that you will land on a settlement that works for everyone.
9. Set the Ground Rules Before You Begin. If you want to be able to have your lawyer review your agreement before you make the terms final, make sure you tell your spouse that BEFORE you start negotiating. You don't want your spouse won't feel like you are going back on what you agreed if, at the end of your negotiation, you say that you want your lawyer to review your agreement. (PS Having your lawyer review your agreement before it is final is always a good idea!)
10. Always Have a Strategy and a Plan. If you don't know where you are going, you will end up wherever you end. That is not a plan. A plan is knowing what you want and having some idea about how you can get it. A strategy is the approach you will take in implementing your plan. As a general rule, never lead with your bottom line. Know what you are willing to give up. Then negotiate.
Negotiating with your ex is not for everyone. If you can't do it yourself, but you still want to hold down your legal costs you might think about hiring a mediator to help you and your ex negotiate more effectively. You can also look into collaborative divorce, which will allow you and your spouse to negotiate with the help of divorce professionals who are in the room with you.
Any way you do it, though, negotiating a settlement will always be way less expensive and time consuming than fighting with your spouse in court.
To get more divorce tips and information go to www.karencovy.com.
For many people, that is probably true. Negotiating, especially with someone you can barely stand to speak to anymore, is tough. Negotiating something as emotional as your own divorce, is even tougher. But, it's not rocket science either. For many people, it's also necessary -- hiring high-powered attorneys and fighting in court is just too expensive.
What many divorcing couples don't realize is that, even if they have lawyers, they often end up negotiating at least a part of their case themselves. Either their lawyers are arguing in circles and getting nowhere (while the legal bills mount up), or the couple just gets so sick of fighting that they work out a deal on their own.
While divorce negotiations are definitely not for everyone, negotiating even a part of your own divorce settlement can save you time and money, if you do it right! Here are 10 tips for how to negotiate your divorce directly with your soon-to-be-ex.
1. Understand Your Finances BEFORE You Open Your Mouth. If you don't know what your financial situation is, or you don't understand your finances, you MUST get help BEFORE you negotiate anything! You wouldn't ride in a car being driven by a blind man. Don't try to negotiate yourself unless you have a firm grasp on your finances and understand what you own and owe.
If you need help, hire a financial advisor to explain your finances to you. If, after doing that, you still don't feel comfortable talking about finances, or you don't understand how they work, then don't negotiate for yourself! The cost of lawyer-led negotiation is nothing compared to what you will lose by negotiating a bad deal.
2. Make Sure You Understand What the Law Requires and Allows, Especially When it Comes to Your Kids. Judges care about children. Unless they are given a really good reason not to do so, they will require you to comply with the child support laws of your state. They will require a parenting schedule that allows both you and your spouse to have a relationship with your children. They will demand that your overall divorce settlement be fair.
You don't need to have a law degree to understand the basics of what you need to know to negotiate your divorce settlement. Spend an hour or two with your lawyer or a divorce educator learning how the divorce system works and what the law requires. Do your homework before you start negotiating.
3. Know What You Want. This sounds so simple. Yet so many people wander through their divorce wanting "what's fair" without ever stopping to consider what "fair" really looks like. Be precise. What exactly do you want? Write it down. Write all of your "wants" down. Then rank them in order of importance. You will never get everything you want, but if you know what is most important, you can negotiate for that.
4. Know What You Need. To know what you need you have to have a budget and a balance sheet. You need to know what you and your spouse earn, what you have, and what you owe. Having enough income and support to be able to pay your bills is not just a want, it is a need. That is something you should not bargain away.
5. Know What Your Spouse Wants and Needs. The more insight you have into what your spouse wants and needs, the more you can negotiate in a manner that will satisfy both of you. You may think you don't care about what your spouse wants or needs, but that kind of attitude is short-sighted. The more you can create a "win-win" situation for both of you, the more likely you are to succeed in settling your case amicably.
6. Know Your Bottom Line. As Kenny Rogers says, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." If your spouse won't settle on terms you can live with, then you have to be ready and able to walk away. Sometimes, only a judge can make someone become reasonable. You also need to reality check your settlement proposal and make sure that you are not the one who is being unreasonable. (Hint: If your lawyer tells you your demands are unrealistic, listen!)
7. Check Your Emotions at the Door. Yes, this one is tough. This is why most people would rather let their lawyer negotiate their divorce than try to do it themselves. But nothing will derail your discussion faster than falling back into the same old argument you have had with your spouse for the last few years of your marriage. Also, if things get too heated, take a break. Don't start talking again until things have cooled down.
8. Be Willing to Brainstorm Alternatives. Your way is not the only way to do things. (Sorry!) Try to keep an open mind. Ask your lawyer and financial advisor to help come up with various settlement scenarios that might meet your needs, your spouse's needs, and your children's needs. Listen to your spouse's ideas. The more options you have to choose from, the more likely it is that you will land on a settlement that works for everyone.
9. Set the Ground Rules Before You Begin. If you want to be able to have your lawyer review your agreement before you make the terms final, make sure you tell your spouse that BEFORE you start negotiating. You don't want your spouse won't feel like you are going back on what you agreed if, at the end of your negotiation, you say that you want your lawyer to review your agreement. (PS Having your lawyer review your agreement before it is final is always a good idea!)
10. Always Have a Strategy and a Plan. If you don't know where you are going, you will end up wherever you end. That is not a plan. A plan is knowing what you want and having some idea about how you can get it. A strategy is the approach you will take in implementing your plan. As a general rule, never lead with your bottom line. Know what you are willing to give up. Then negotiate.
Negotiating with your ex is not for everyone. If you can't do it yourself, but you still want to hold down your legal costs you might think about hiring a mediator to help you and your ex negotiate more effectively. You can also look into collaborative divorce, which will allow you and your spouse to negotiate with the help of divorce professionals who are in the room with you.
Any way you do it, though, negotiating a settlement will always be way less expensive and time consuming than fighting with your spouse in court.
To get more divorce tips and information go to www.karencovy.com.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150828 - Editorial: Dexter Lewis verdict sends a message on Colorado's death penalty
Editorial: Dexter Lewis verdict sends a message on Colorado's death penalty August 27, 2015 by The Denver Post Editorial Board 2015-08-27
Nonlinear Pricing with Competition: The Market for Settling Payments
Adam M. Copeland, Federal Reserve Bank of New York and Rodney J. Garratt, Federal Reserve Banks - Federal Reserve Bank of New York examine Nonlinear Pricing with Competition: The Market for Settling Payments. ABSTRACT: The multiple payments settlement systems available...
The 10 Best Things I Did Before My Divorce
A friend said to me that I made getting divorced look easy. I suppose when you're ready, it can be! I was so ready that in fact it only took three months from start to finish. It could have been less, but I opted for a later court date because I hadn't expected it to go so smoothly. Another factor is when you don't have a lot of "stuff," meaning money and material possessions, there's not much to argue over. Keeping the focus on the children and not your ego is the best path to freedom. Here's how I did it:
1. I quit my job and started working from home.
I actually did this over four years ago, but it was the most liberating, challenging thing I'd done in my marriage. Granted I have an entrepreneurial streak, or in the latest vernacular "solopreneurial," but it still takes a great deal of courage to risk financial hardship and incredible strength to carry through with a vision and make money. With these skills, I had the confidence to do anything.
2. I went to a divorce lawyer, twice, two years apart.
The first visit was shortly after I quit my job. I had zero support from my co-parent. He had no idea what it was I had set out to accomplish, and felt terribly burdened with having to support the family 100%. I can't blame him for that, but I had a plan, he just didn't understand it. For all he knew I had turned into an Internet junkie and was surfing porn sites. A little support would have gone a long way... I learned from my first visit that I had a tough road ahead of me if I were to leave the marriage. There just wasn't enough money and the children would suffer. So I waited. Last year, I went again, and the numbers came out much better. And on the plus side, because in reality there still wasn't any money to fight over, both visits were pro bono. I never got a bill.
3. I started working out regularly, including taking up running.
It was not my first intent to look better. I was more concerned about feeling better. I was sitting all day and not moving around as much, so my lower back hurt, my hips cracked all the time, and my legs were cramping. As I started to feel better, I noticed my mood improved immensely too. I had more energy, I slept better, and I looked better. And going to the gym is social, which I needed just as much. And for whatever reason, I decided to start running. I don't know why I had waited so long. I loved it immediately (well, after the third time.) It was the biggest physical challenge I had taken on yet. Running has changed my life. I know that I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, which gives me confidence in everything I do.
4. I saw more of my friends.
Girls night took on new importance. As did traveling to meet up with my far away friends. I have a fantastic core group of friends in my area and we meet at least twice a month and I know I can count on them for anything. I know a lot of people in my town, but I am blessed to have my small group. And then there are the friends I've collected over time and know we can continue the conversation whenever we want. Doubly blessed. These are the people who you contact first with the good news and who get you through the heartache. They're also the people that, say for example you find out Pearl Jam is playing in San Diego and want to go, you text them with your request and the next thing you know you're flying to San Diego from the east coast to see Pearl Jam. Pretty amazing.
5. I kept up with my journal.
Writing in my journal has saved my life. Who else would want to hear my rambles every day? I've been keeping a journal on and off since college. I've found that I used to only write during the bad times. I have a lot of journals under my bed! Now I write habitually everyday. On my laptop, password protected. There are so many benefits I can't possibly begin to list. But one that comes to mind, now that I'm on my laptop, is when I start to question something, after I focus on my feelings I can then google it and find out more. The answers are readily available, if I ask the right questions of course. Otherwise I could keep on writing in circles...
6. I read everything I could get my hands on about relationships from start to end.
This carries over from keeping a journal, but everything you need to know is right at your fingertips. The internet is amazing. There's a lot of advice out there, good and bad. I fished through and found all sorts of great resources to help me grow, understand, connect with myself, and find the tools to start again. Ask the right question and you will see for yourself!
7. I forgave my parents.
Not as easy as it sounds. But it was the one big thing holding me back. I admit, I'm not 100%, but I'm much better than I was before. I'm just happy to be free of holding that grudge and they are, after all, just people. No one is perfect. Their lives weren't really that great and now in their old age they're suffering enough. It's liberating to just let it go.
8. I forgave my co-parent.
I can't blame him. I didn't ask the right questions when I met him and I assumed way too much. He was just along for the ride. Had I been wiser, I would have seen that. I've now learned that relationships are a learning process and they take more work than I would have ever known. Had I been smarter I would have known that he wasn't the one to go on the journey with me. And having realized that, I was able to sincerely apologize to him for whatever it was he was feeling and to ask forgiveness. He's not quite there yet but one day he will be.
9. I forgave myself.
Oh the mistakes I've made! So many! But I can't beat myself up. I didn't have the tools. I didn't have the foundation. I didn't have any role models. I just didn't know. At every turn I truly believe I did the best with what I had at the time. It's as simple as that. I'm blessed in that I'm able to make the most of a situation and learn from it. And at the very least I know that no matter how bad it seems, it always gets better. It does. A friend said to me ages ago, "Crisis is opportunity." I've had plenty of that!
10. I made it all about my two boys.
My problems are not theirs. Their world is their challenge. It's enough for them to prioritize brushing their teeth before bed and getting dressed in the morning. The greatest benefit of being self employed and knowing how to live on virtually nothing is that I have the time to process my problems when alone and then focus on them when we're together. Our stress is, most of the time anyway, about what raising two boys brings - meal times, homework, after school activities, girls, friends, screen time. And please put your dirty dishes directly into the dishwasher. These are good problems. My co-parent is their other parent and it is my duty to be respectful of that. I do whatever it takes to keep the spin positive. Because it's not always easy. Would I like to make more money and enjoy more luxuries? Yes! But right now that's not a priority. They're still young and I'm not comfortable creating any more change in their life. When the time comes, I'll know. We've made it this far.
1. I quit my job and started working from home.
I actually did this over four years ago, but it was the most liberating, challenging thing I'd done in my marriage. Granted I have an entrepreneurial streak, or in the latest vernacular "solopreneurial," but it still takes a great deal of courage to risk financial hardship and incredible strength to carry through with a vision and make money. With these skills, I had the confidence to do anything.
2. I went to a divorce lawyer, twice, two years apart.
The first visit was shortly after I quit my job. I had zero support from my co-parent. He had no idea what it was I had set out to accomplish, and felt terribly burdened with having to support the family 100%. I can't blame him for that, but I had a plan, he just didn't understand it. For all he knew I had turned into an Internet junkie and was surfing porn sites. A little support would have gone a long way... I learned from my first visit that I had a tough road ahead of me if I were to leave the marriage. There just wasn't enough money and the children would suffer. So I waited. Last year, I went again, and the numbers came out much better. And on the plus side, because in reality there still wasn't any money to fight over, both visits were pro bono. I never got a bill.
3. I started working out regularly, including taking up running.
It was not my first intent to look better. I was more concerned about feeling better. I was sitting all day and not moving around as much, so my lower back hurt, my hips cracked all the time, and my legs were cramping. As I started to feel better, I noticed my mood improved immensely too. I had more energy, I slept better, and I looked better. And going to the gym is social, which I needed just as much. And for whatever reason, I decided to start running. I don't know why I had waited so long. I loved it immediately (well, after the third time.) It was the biggest physical challenge I had taken on yet. Running has changed my life. I know that I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, which gives me confidence in everything I do.
4. I saw more of my friends.
Girls night took on new importance. As did traveling to meet up with my far away friends. I have a fantastic core group of friends in my area and we meet at least twice a month and I know I can count on them for anything. I know a lot of people in my town, but I am blessed to have my small group. And then there are the friends I've collected over time and know we can continue the conversation whenever we want. Doubly blessed. These are the people who you contact first with the good news and who get you through the heartache. They're also the people that, say for example you find out Pearl Jam is playing in San Diego and want to go, you text them with your request and the next thing you know you're flying to San Diego from the east coast to see Pearl Jam. Pretty amazing.
5. I kept up with my journal.
Writing in my journal has saved my life. Who else would want to hear my rambles every day? I've been keeping a journal on and off since college. I've found that I used to only write during the bad times. I have a lot of journals under my bed! Now I write habitually everyday. On my laptop, password protected. There are so many benefits I can't possibly begin to list. But one that comes to mind, now that I'm on my laptop, is when I start to question something, after I focus on my feelings I can then google it and find out more. The answers are readily available, if I ask the right questions of course. Otherwise I could keep on writing in circles...
6. I read everything I could get my hands on about relationships from start to end.
This carries over from keeping a journal, but everything you need to know is right at your fingertips. The internet is amazing. There's a lot of advice out there, good and bad. I fished through and found all sorts of great resources to help me grow, understand, connect with myself, and find the tools to start again. Ask the right question and you will see for yourself!
7. I forgave my parents.
Not as easy as it sounds. But it was the one big thing holding me back. I admit, I'm not 100%, but I'm much better than I was before. I'm just happy to be free of holding that grudge and they are, after all, just people. No one is perfect. Their lives weren't really that great and now in their old age they're suffering enough. It's liberating to just let it go.
8. I forgave my co-parent.
I can't blame him. I didn't ask the right questions when I met him and I assumed way too much. He was just along for the ride. Had I been wiser, I would have seen that. I've now learned that relationships are a learning process and they take more work than I would have ever known. Had I been smarter I would have known that he wasn't the one to go on the journey with me. And having realized that, I was able to sincerely apologize to him for whatever it was he was feeling and to ask forgiveness. He's not quite there yet but one day he will be.
9. I forgave myself.
Oh the mistakes I've made! So many! But I can't beat myself up. I didn't have the tools. I didn't have the foundation. I didn't have any role models. I just didn't know. At every turn I truly believe I did the best with what I had at the time. It's as simple as that. I'm blessed in that I'm able to make the most of a situation and learn from it. And at the very least I know that no matter how bad it seems, it always gets better. It does. A friend said to me ages ago, "Crisis is opportunity." I've had plenty of that!
10. I made it all about my two boys.
My problems are not theirs. Their world is their challenge. It's enough for them to prioritize brushing their teeth before bed and getting dressed in the morning. The greatest benefit of being self employed and knowing how to live on virtually nothing is that I have the time to process my problems when alone and then focus on them when we're together. Our stress is, most of the time anyway, about what raising two boys brings - meal times, homework, after school activities, girls, friends, screen time. And please put your dirty dishes directly into the dishwasher. These are good problems. My co-parent is their other parent and it is my duty to be respectful of that. I do whatever it takes to keep the spin positive. Because it's not always easy. Would I like to make more money and enjoy more luxuries? Yes! But right now that's not a priority. They're still young and I'm not comfortable creating any more change in their life. When the time comes, I'll know. We've made it this far.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150828 - Collateral damage: Harsh sex offender laws may put whole families at risk
Collateral damage: Harsh sex offender laws may put whole families at risk August 27, 2015 by Steven Yoder, Al Jazeera America 2015-08-27
ENTREPRENEURIAL TRAFFIC MANAGEMENT AND THE INTERNET ENGINEERING TASK FORCE
Günter Knieps, Institute of Transport Economics and Regional Policy, Albert-Ludwigs-Universitat Freiburg explores ENTREPRENEURIAL TRAFFIC MANAGEMENT AND THE INTERNET ENGINEERING TASK FORCE. ABSTRACT: The changing role of the Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) standard setting process, from designing and implementing the...
Learning to Live Happily Even After
None of us think, when walking down the aisle to pledge life-long devotion to our one true love, that we will one day wind up on the wrong side of that tenacious 50 percent divorce divide. Much of the shock of a breakup is the insult it is to our expectations. And even the most sophisticated and seasoned of us, deep down inside holds out for the hope of living happily ever after. Falling short of this collective ideal is not only terribly painful, but can also be deeply shameful as well.
According to former Columbia University professor and cultural anthropologist, Ruth Benedict, shame differs from guilt in that guilt is something we are likely to feel when we violate our own core values, disturbed that something we have done is fundamentally bad and wrong. Shame, however, is something we feel when we have violated the external rules and expectations that society has placed upon us, leaving us feeling as though who we are is fundamentally bad and wrong.
As modern and worldly as most of us are, we collectively still cling like barnacles to our fairy tale aspirations, as well as to our covert assumption that if a romantic relationship ends for any reason other than one or both people die, that that relationship is a failure. Yet the myth of happily ever after was actually created when the life span was less than 40 years of age. And as much as we all love riding off into sunsets, it may be time to revisit the standards to which we hold ourselves and others accountable when it comes to dating, mating and marriage.
Dr. Helen Fisher, professor at Rutgers University and renowned relationship anthropologist reports that serial monogamy has now become the new norm, suggesting that most of us will have two to three significant relationships in our lifetimes. Just as it was once the norm to meet and marry your one true love, it's now just as normal to not mate for life. With over 40% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages and 70% of third marriages ending in divorce, maybe we need to start recognizing it as normal to change our primary partners through our various stages of life? In an age where we up-level just about every aspect of our lives to keep pace with our ever-evolving life conditions--- our work environments, sleeping habits, child-rearing practices, workout routines and diets--perhaps we should also consider up-leveling our outdated and overly simplistic models for romantic love. Putting aside our escapist fantasies of the lives we wish we were living, in favor of a more wholehearted vision that is relevant to the lives that we are living.
A recent New York Times article reports that for the first time in recorded human history more people over 50 are divorced than widowed. It's my hope that we can begin a conversation about how to end our romantic unions with decency, respect and honor rather than assume them to be failures and slink away with our tails between our legs. Rather than define the value of our relationships by the overly simplistic question, "How long did it last?" that we instead begin asking questions like, "How did I expand my capacity to give and receive love in that relationship?" or "What beauty and goodness were created as a result of that union?" and "What have I learned about love that I can now apply moving forward?"
It's my theory that inside of the happily ever after myth and our collective assumption of failure, that we never actually learned how to complete our intimate unions in a way that allows us to do so with dignity, honor, respect and yes....even love.
Given that the majority of us will experience one or two major breakups over the course of our lifetimes, learning to consciously uncoupling so that we and those we love can live happily even after, may just be the next stage of our collective evolution.
Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT is a national bestselling author, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of the upcoming book, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After (Harmony, Sept. 22, 2015). For more information please go to ConsciousUncoupling.com
According to former Columbia University professor and cultural anthropologist, Ruth Benedict, shame differs from guilt in that guilt is something we are likely to feel when we violate our own core values, disturbed that something we have done is fundamentally bad and wrong. Shame, however, is something we feel when we have violated the external rules and expectations that society has placed upon us, leaving us feeling as though who we are is fundamentally bad and wrong.
As modern and worldly as most of us are, we collectively still cling like barnacles to our fairy tale aspirations, as well as to our covert assumption that if a romantic relationship ends for any reason other than one or both people die, that that relationship is a failure. Yet the myth of happily ever after was actually created when the life span was less than 40 years of age. And as much as we all love riding off into sunsets, it may be time to revisit the standards to which we hold ourselves and others accountable when it comes to dating, mating and marriage.
Dr. Helen Fisher, professor at Rutgers University and renowned relationship anthropologist reports that serial monogamy has now become the new norm, suggesting that most of us will have two to three significant relationships in our lifetimes. Just as it was once the norm to meet and marry your one true love, it's now just as normal to not mate for life. With over 40% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages and 70% of third marriages ending in divorce, maybe we need to start recognizing it as normal to change our primary partners through our various stages of life? In an age where we up-level just about every aspect of our lives to keep pace with our ever-evolving life conditions--- our work environments, sleeping habits, child-rearing practices, workout routines and diets--perhaps we should also consider up-leveling our outdated and overly simplistic models for romantic love. Putting aside our escapist fantasies of the lives we wish we were living, in favor of a more wholehearted vision that is relevant to the lives that we are living.
A recent New York Times article reports that for the first time in recorded human history more people over 50 are divorced than widowed. It's my hope that we can begin a conversation about how to end our romantic unions with decency, respect and honor rather than assume them to be failures and slink away with our tails between our legs. Rather than define the value of our relationships by the overly simplistic question, "How long did it last?" that we instead begin asking questions like, "How did I expand my capacity to give and receive love in that relationship?" or "What beauty and goodness were created as a result of that union?" and "What have I learned about love that I can now apply moving forward?"
It's my theory that inside of the happily ever after myth and our collective assumption of failure, that we never actually learned how to complete our intimate unions in a way that allows us to do so with dignity, honor, respect and yes....even love.
Given that the majority of us will experience one or two major breakups over the course of our lifetimes, learning to consciously uncoupling so that we and those we love can live happily even after, may just be the next stage of our collective evolution.
Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT is a national bestselling author, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of the upcoming book, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After (Harmony, Sept. 22, 2015). For more information please go to ConsciousUncoupling.com
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150828 - Lawyers plan challenge to arrests based on secret cellphone tracking
Lawyers plan challenge to arrests based on secret cellphone tracking August 28, 2015 by Brad Heath, USA Today 2015-08-28
The Dating Market Might Actually Be Worse For Educated Straight Women
After journalist Jon Birger entered his 30s, he began to notice a pattern in his social circle: Most of the men he knew were married or in a relationship and most of the women he knew were single and having a hard time dating. These women had "everything going for them," he told The Huffington Post, yet they either couldn't get dates or were stuck dealing with men who toyed with them.
Birger became curious about his anecdotal experience and wanted to see if there were statistics to back up what his single female friends were going through -- and there were. He believes that the lopsided dating scene in large U.S. cities like New York all comes down to a gender ratio which favors men. In the U.S. as a whole, men and women are split about 50/50, but that ratio shifts when you look at the number of college graduates by gender: Women between 25 and 34 are 21 percent more likely than men to be college graduates, according to 2013 data.
In this environment, educated heterosexual women who wish to date men who also graduated college must navigate a playing field in which guys have significantly more dating prospects, a phenomenon Birger calls the "man deficit." Birger's new book Date-onomics centers around this very concept, and offers a not-so-romantic aerial view of the contemporary dating landscape.
"A lot of the women who I talked to about this felt like they must be doing something wrong or it must be their fault," he said. "I think, for at least some of them, it was reassuring to know that it wasn’t just in their heads."
In conversation with The Huffington Post, Birger explained exactly how the "man deficit" plays out, who has better odds in the dating pool and what women might want to do once they understand the demographics:
Your theory centers around the concept of a "man deficit." What exactly does that mean?
Women have been graduating from college at a higher rate than men going back to the early ‘80s, and at a much higher rate than men going back to the ‘90s. These college graduation rates and gender ratios have spilled over into the post-college dating market. Of course, none of this would matter if we were all more open-minded about who we were willing to date and marry -- both college-educated men and women have become less willing to date and marry non-college-educated people.
[In this environment], men take advantage. A core part of my argument is that the college and post-college hookup culture is to a large extent a product of these gender ratios. There’s a lot of social science on this, and it all points to the ideas that men delay marriage and play the field when women are in oversupply. When it’s the opposite, the culture is more likely to emphasize courtship and romance.
In your opinion, has online dating affected this dynamic?
I’m probably going to be in the minority in this argument, but my point of view is that it doesn’t really matter. I know everybody thinks Tinder is causing the hookup culture, but the reality is that there’s actually a history of blaming new technologies for young people having more sex.
Honestly, a lot of the guys I interviewed who you’d probably think are the most schmuck-y, so to speak, were doing it the old-fashioned way. They were going up to pretty women in bars and buying them drinks. They didn’t have their heads in their phones. This is a lofty way of me saying that I think stuff like Tinder are symptoms, not the cause.
You explain how, unlike women of other races, Asian-American women are immune to the man deficit. Why do you think that is?
I was completely confused by that. Initially, I wanted to see what groups were more or less affected by the man deficit. I assumed, since Asians are more likely to be college-educated than non-Asians, I’d write about Asian women and explore how vulnerable they are to the man deficit because so many of them are college-educated. But it turns out that I was 100 percent wrong. If you look at the census data, Asian women marry at a much higher rate than non-Asian women.
I couldn’t figure out why, though. I was talking to one of my Asian friends, and she said, "It’s funny -- when I was in high school, nobody wanted to date the Asian girl, but something happened in the ‘90s where suddenly everybody wanted to date the Asian girl." For her, the cultural touchstone of this was that “Seinfeld” episode [in which Jerry is disappointed that his date isn't Chinese]. In the book, I try to stay away from the "why" part.
But there are studies out there showing that men in general perceive Asian women as most attractive. Then there was this terrific data from OKCupid that tracked message response rates for people of different races. The takeaway was that Asian-American women have the highest response rates. This even held true among lesbians.
You generally stayed away from giving advice in the book, but you wrote that college-educated women who want to marry college-educated men are better off marrying "Mr. Perfectly Acceptable," rather than holding out until 40 for Mr. Right. Can you explain what you mean by that?
I want to preface this by saying that I totally get that not everybody prioritizes marriage over career. Even for people who want to get married, it may not be their highest priority in life. Really, all I’m doing is trying to help people make informed decisions. A woman who puts an extremely high priority on getting married should know that every year you’re in the dating market, the numbers get worse for you.
I liken it to musical chairs. In the first round of musical chairs, really only the kid who isn’t paying attention doesn’t get a chair. But by the last round, you have a 50 percent chance of losing. In every successive round of the game, the odds of being left out increase.
This is also what happens in dating. If you start out in a dating pool of 140 women and 100 men, which is probably not unlike what young women in New York are staring at, that starts out as a 1.4 to one ratio. Once half of the women in this dating pool get married -- so 70 women marry 70 men -- the ratio among the remaining singles becomes greater than two to one. If you’re on the wrong end of the gender ratio -- like college-educated women in general -- every year you hold out, the dating market is going to be statistically more challenging."
Numbers aside, do you think people are able to think in these terms? How does one know who is "Mr. Perfectly Acceptable"?
I’m an old married guy -- I’m 46 and have been married for 20 plus years. If you talk to people who have been married for a long time, they’ll tell you there’s an element of compromise in all marriages, in all successful marriages. Sometimes the compromise is part of the fun. It would be boring if you were 100 percent perfectly compatible I think, and maybe others would disagree. There’s always a level of compromise in a marriage, no matter what the situation.
You argue that ultimatums can help women in this type of environment. How so?
In every other part of life -- in business and politics -- everybody understands the power of the ultimatum. But for some reason, people resist it when it comes to romance. The reality is that an ultimatum creates artificial scarcity in an otherwise abundant marketplace. It makes you want more of what you perceive you may lose.
One of these truisms that you hear in business is that you should never make a decision until you absolutely have to. If you’re a single 35-year-old man in Miami, Chicago or New York, every year the dating market becomes a little bit better for you. Why make a decision about one woman now when you can keep her as an option and continue exploring the market? I feel that the ultimatum is a way to push back against the male desire not to make a decision any sooner than he had to.
You want it to happen naturally and organically, obviously. I get that and I get that what I’m saying is highly non-romantic, but I’m making an argument about what I think works, rather than what makes for the best love story.
How do you recommend that women approach their dating lives in such a lopsided market?
I’m going to preface this with: I’m not a dating coach -- I’m a middle-aged guy and I’m not telling people how to live their lives. I’m just a believer in informed choices.
All things being equal, if you’re just starting out your career and you have one job offer in Manhattan and another job offer in Silicon Valley or San Jose, and you’re on the fence between the two jobs and you’re a monogamy- or marriage-minded heterosexual, my suggestion would be to put these gender ratios on your list of things to consider. Cities like Seattle or Silicon Valley or San Francisco or Denver have less lopsided or even male-skewed gender ratios among college grads, so the dating environment is going to be more woman-friendly.
At the same time, I totally get that a 45-year-old woman is not going to pick up her entire life and leave everything behind to go move to Denver. I realize that that’s not a realistic suggestion for some people.
So what would you tell women who aren't willing to pick up and move?
If they’re online dating in a big city, one thing they could consider is to include the suburbs in their searches. I know it sounds counterintuitive, because it’s easy to think that all of the guys in the suburbs are going to be married. But in fact, generally speaking, the gender ratios among single college grads are less lopsided in the suburbs than they are in big cities.
Also on HuffPost:
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20150828 - Opinion: The death penalty is in its final throes, but too many are still being executed
Opinion: The death penalty is in its final throes, but too many are still being executed August 27, 2015 by Clive Stafford Smith, The Guardian 2015-08-27
Exposed on Ashley Madison? How to Confess and Keep Your Mate
As you have probably heard by now, the "have an affair today" married hookup site Ashley Madison has suffered a fatal blow. Not only did the "house of cards" come crashing down, but the "chips" fell too, as the personal information of over 32 million cheaters and cheating wannabes was dumped online when the website was hacked. Talk about being caught with your pants down!
And -- yes -- being the author of a bestselling book about infidelity my inbox blew up! My marriage and family therapist hat has been firmly on ever since. Here is a sample plea:
Dr. Sheri:
"What am I supposed to do? I'm scared to death. I was on the Ashley Madison website more than once. It was fun and I was feeling lonely at home. I talked to a number of women and we shared sexual fantasies and met via Skype, but we never physically met or had real sex. Is that really cheating? Do I have to confess? If so, when? Is it better to confess now, or only if I'm found out? Is there any hope that I can salvage my relationship?
Of course, there's hope! And it doesn't need to lead to divorce or a break-up. But --YES -- being on Ashley Madison is cheating; especially if it has involved secrecy, sharing intimacy with another and sexual titillation. And yes, it's better to come clean and take loving, proactive steps NOW before the sh*t hits the fan.
Three Reasons to Confess Before Getting Busted:
1. Get ahead of the healing curve
Truth is always the greatest foundation to a strong relationship, and conversation. No matter the reason for cheating in the first place, confessing opens the door to healing and gets to the heart of the bigger problem. What is REALLY HAPPENING in your life and your relationship?
2. They already know
People are generally pretty observant, and sense things before they say things. BEFORE you get busted, being brave and coming clean may make the ensuing aftermath less ugly. By keeping it real -- confessing and apologizing -- you have taken the first steps towards repair, stopping the damage and perhaps avoiding divorce.
3. Keeping them in the dark
"What they don't know won't hurt them," is a lie. While convenient for you [even though you are out of alignment] it doesn't change the truth. Particularly in this case, time is the enemy of all deals and is not your friend, especially if you are in a position of being caught. Unless, you are planning to leave your relationship, the sooner you come clean and deal with the emotional aftermath, the closer you are to a new, open, honest relationship.
Ready to Confess? Five Questions To Ask Yourself:
- Have you ended your affair?
- Have you addressed WHY you had the affair(s) and/or joined a cheating site?
- Have you "owned it" and regret your behavior and sincerely want to make amends?
- Are you willing to do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back and rebuild your relationship?
- Are you ready to be faithful?
If you can answer "yes" to all of the above, you are ready to confess.
FIVE THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU CONFESS:
- First, confess the whole truth to yourself. Take ownership of your infidelity and the love, attention and affection that you have denied your partner.
- Plan and prepare what you want to say. This is not the time to be spontaneous or impulsive. Put on empathetic shoes and imagine if things were reversed.
- Let go of blame and forgive your partner for anything they did [or didn't do] that swayed you to cheat.
- Prepare yourself for your partner's trust, emotional safety and self-esteem to be fragile for a while.
- Plan for the long haul, as the discovery and admission of an affair, [especially if it is a complete surprise], is like a 9.0 earthquake to a relationship. But, the path ahead offers opportunity to rethink everything: old rules, roles, and reasons for being together. Down the road, you may be rewarded with a revitalized relationship based on truth in all things.
The GOOD Apology
There is real pain here so be empathetic. Your partner will probably experience everything from post-traumatic stress; shock, confusion, anger, to being highly sensitive. Be patient as your partner moves through their grief. Be ready to apologize often, ask for forgiveness and say, "I'm sorry I hurt you."
Think of the 4 Rs
- Recognize and acknowledge the pain you have caused.
- Regret what you've done and the pain it caused.
- Be responsible for your actions and inactions. All of them!
- Remedy the situation by giving your partner whatever they need to feel safe and rebuild trust
In order to heal your relationship you will need the courage of your conviction; that you want to make your relationship work, no matter what.
After the confession:
Your job?
To be dependable, consistent, responsive, accountable and comforting. Stay away from any and all "cheating" drugs of choice; be it a person, pornography or another site on the internet.
Be a "rock" in your vision and commitment, show genuine LOVE each day and the relationship will calm down and feel safer more quickly. Keep saying over and over, "we will get through this" to yourself and your partner.
Overcoming infidelity is a process, taking time and dedication. Reworking and rebuilding a relationship after infidelity isn't easy, but neither is divorce. Stay dedicated to picking up those pieces, and you may find a whole new way to build up your foundation again! This time, with solid bricks of truth and love.
Sheri Meyers, Psy.D is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.
Connect with Dr. Sheri Online:
Twitter https://twitter.com/DrSheriMeyers
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Dr.SheriAnnMeyers
Website: chattingorcheating.com & DrSheri.com
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150828 - Feds approve paper airplane drone flights
Feds approve paper airplane drone flights August 27, 2015 by Keith Laing, The Hill 2015-08-27
If It's Not Awesome, I Don't Want to Do It and You Shouldn't Either
Dating post-divorce can be like having your wisdom teeth pulled - except that might actually be more fun. For me, and I'm assuming with most women who have half a brain and an ounce of self-esteem, between working full time, juggling the kids schedules, and navigating the co-parenting world with your ex, it leaves little to no motivation to get out there and meet new people (read: depressed, insecure men disguised as confident, happy, successful men). But alas, the sad eyes your friends, co-workers, grandmother, or random strangers give you when they ask if you're dating anyone and you respond with "not right now," gives you the motivation to get out there with an open mind and meet these guys.
Because my life is so busy and full with all of my normal adult responsibilities, I find it easiest to resort to on-line dating. I first dipped my toes in those magical waters when I joined Match about 3 years ago with another friend who was recently single. We considered ourselves "catches" so to speak. Great jobs, fun personalities, healthy self-esteem, physically active, and physically attractive - our pictures were all recent and didn't lie. Our inboxes were flooded with notes from men of all ages. If a guy was attractive in his pictures and could write a few complete sentences, then he was worth my time and we'd do some back and forth on messenger until we'd decide to meet for a drink or two and see if there was any chemistry. More often than not, their pictures were very old and/or they'd lied about their age. I hate wasting time - my own or anyone else's - so there wasn't usually a second date. My friend met her future husband about a year into our Match adventure. They haven't stopped smiling since the day they met and just a few weeks ago, I attended their wedding. That's not how it worked for me. It took a little over a year to realize paying an on-line service to find me mediocre men to occasionally meet was pretty dumb. So, I moved myself over to one of the free on-line dating sites.
There are a LOT more men on the free site. Unfortunately, there are also a LOT more crazies, and you must be diligent when weeding through them, so you can find the good ones. And there are good ones, I promise. On this free site I've met several men I've developed relationships with. I'd maybe respond to one man out of 150. That is the man I'd have a relationship with. He had a well written, thoughtful profile, nice pictures including a smiling face, and would initiate a witty message meant to engage, showing he'd read my profile (which was also thoughtfully written) and we'd have some back and forth and I'd know, without a doubt, I'd be dating this man for a little while with the hopes it would turn into a long while.
Unfortunately, almost always, a "while" is about two months. That's how long it takes me to really see a person. They could be absolutely perfect, just not perfect for me. More often than not it was me who was initiating the break up, but sometimes it was them. Either way, it was a mature and adult parting of ways. I don't have the mental capacity to be in a relationship with someone that I can't seriously see myself falling in love with someday and potentially sharing a life. Now, it's not like I can tell or expect to have this feeling on the first date, but I do know myself very well and I do know that anyone that makes me feel a little "meh" in the beginning, isn't going to last.
There are two men I've met in my adult dating life (read: post-divorce) that are still in the mix. I met them in a bar setting (you know, the old fashioned way!). They don't live that close to me, but with each of them, the chemistry was magnetic the second we met. I am still in touch with both of them. If either is in town or I am in one of their towns, we call each other to get together. Why? Because when we are together it's awesome and I want to do it. But, this is only if I'm not currently in one of my relationships. I don't cheat.
As I write this, I find myself single again. I've just ended another one of my "two month" relationships. This one got farther than anyone else - I actually allowed him to meet my friends (that's a big deal - to date, no potential suitors have ever met my children). I never do that. My friends are amazing and I don't want to be parading different men around every few months for them to meet. But this one wasn't necessarily a depressed, insecure man disguised as a confident, happy, successful man - he was a narcissist in disguise. Once his true identity was revealed, I knew it was time. There are a million Huffington Post articles written about these kinds of men. To summarize all of them - STAY CLEAR AWAY!
Oddly enough, everyone I know who was also divorced at the same time as me is now remarried. Again, good for them! But it's not for me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong, but I highly doubt it. My motto and words to live by are IF IT'S NOT AWESOME, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. Please know I mean this only in my romantic life. Work isn't always awesome, but it's necessary to pay the bills. Being a parent isn't always awesome, but you have to stay the course in order to raise children who will turn into ACTUAL confident, happy, successful people - no disguises needed. Maybe I'm not meant to have the kind of relationship society deems normal. I like my house, my career and my independence. Maybe I'm not ready to settle down yet. Or maybe I'll be ready once I know I've met the one who's perfect for me. Listen to your inner self. Get to know it. Don't question it. If it's not awesome, don't do it. Who has the damn time?!
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150828 - Court overturns injunction against NSA bulk data collection program
Court overturns injunction against NSA bulk data collection program August 28, 2015 by Josh Gerstein, Politico 2015-08-28
Why This Biomom Is Grateful For Her Kids' Stepmom
As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we spotlight a different stepfamily to learn how they've worked to bring their two families together. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we'll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life! Want to share your family's story? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.
Not long after moving to Denver, Colorado, Australian native Elisha Dixon met her future husband Kevin and his two daughters at an ice cream parlor. Not long after, she met Kevin's ex-wife Laura. The two women didn't click instantly -- but in time, they forged a strong co-parenting bond for the sake of the kids.
"I am happy to say that we have moved past our reservations and are communicating a lot better about the girls. We try to help each other out," Elisha told The Huffington Post, "As they say, it takes a village!"
Below, Elisha and Laura share their story and offer their best advice for other biomoms and stepmoms who might be struggling to get along.
Hi! Please introduce us to your family.
Elisha: On my side, there's me, my husband Kevin and Kevin's two girls from his first marriage: Madison, 9 and Olivia, 5.
Laura: And I'm Madison and Olivia's mom. Kevin and I divorced five years ago.
How long have you and Kevin been married, Elisha?
We've been together about five years. We started out as friends and our friendship slowly turned into a relationship. From the beginning, we bonded over our dislike of the cold -- I'm from Australia and he's from Florida! We married last June in Denver.
Elisha, what was it like to come into these little girls' lives, given that you weren't a parent before this?
It hasn't always been easy but these last five years, I've come to realize that most moms worry about whether they're doing a good job as a parent. Hearing the girls say I love you makes everything worth it. They've known me almost their whole lives so they accept me as their stepmom. I enjoy taking them to school and after-school activities and just hanging out with them on the weekends.
I have to say, it helps that Laura and I get along pretty well these days. I think that as time's passed, we've both realized that it's better for the girls if we communicate and show them that we can be friendly.
And Laura, why was a co-parenting relationship with Elisha important to you as a biomom?
I subscribe to the "it takes a village" mentality when it comes to raising kids and Elisha is a good person to have in that village. It wasn't easy to watch another woman "mother" my kids at first but it was easier to accept because she is a really good woman. I recognized how much she loved the girls and how much they loved her. She is very nurturing and I think that's great for my kids to have in their lives! You don't get any say in to who your ex remarries, but I was pretty grateful that Kevin picked someone so good for the girls.
What have been some of the biggest challenges of co-parenting for you both?
Laura: We have different parenting styles and different values that have been hard to meld. Neither way is right or wrong, just different. But since the divorce, I've tried to focus on having a more business-like relationship as parents. We're "in the business" of raising the girls and recognizing that really helped when separating was so emotional. Now that they pain of the divorce is gone, we have a business relationship and a friendship as parents and that helps us take great care of the girls as a team. Reminding myself that "it takes a village" grounds me when emotional situations arise.
Elisha: I'd say one of the hardest things is establishing consistency in our family. Although communication is good between Laura and me, the girls are still in two different homes. They're young now but in order for us all to make it through the teenage years, we'll need to continue having open communication between the three of us so we're all on the same page.
What makes you proudest of your family and the progress you've made these last five years?
Elisha: I'm proud of how the girls handle the whole divorce situation. I know that it's not easy on them to go back and forth and have three parents but I feel that they show all of us love and affection. My hope is that when the girls grow up they'll look back on their childhood and think of it as a happy childhood in spite of the divorce.
Laura: I'm just proud that we have become so flexible with each other and that we can attend events together!
What's your best advice for stepparents and biological parents who are struggling to get along?
Elisha: I feel like the most important thing is to not force closeness. Things need to go slow for the children but also the parents. There are a lot of people that have feelings involved in the situation. Just know that things usually get easier with time. If you're coming into a ready-made family you need to have realistic expectations especially in regards to how the children will interact with you and accept you.
Laura: Again, it takes a village to raise children and adding another member just helps cover all the bases. Forging a strong relationship with your kids' stepparent (business-like or more friend-like) will ultimately benefit the kids and in the end, that's really the bottom line!
More from HuffPost:
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20150828 - Black Lives Matter activists disrupt Bowser speech on how to stop killings
Black Lives Matter activists disrupt Bowser speech on how to stop killings August 27, 2015 by Abigail Hauslohner and Aaron C. Davis, Washington Post 2015-08-27
Now That You're a Stepmom: Tips of the Trade
We stepmoms can sometimes get lost in the day-to-day... pick-ups, drop-offs, dinner, money... the "who-is-going-to-be-where-and-when." When we get lost, it helps to have a few tips -- some step-life strategies -- in your back pocket (or your tote, or your beaded clutch). My stepkids have been working on their spelling lately, so I decided to go with an A, B, C format...
Always practice self-care. For you to be of any good to others, you have to be healthy -- mentally and physically. I know, it's easy to say that when I'm writing this after the kids have gone to bed, but it's another story when they're tugging on your sleeve asking for more milk, the dog is pacing by the back door, and the phone is ringing, and, and, and... But you may be surprised at what happens when you make yourself a priority. You come home from yoga or coffee with girlfriends, to find that everything and everyone is still in one piece.
Not every problem can be remedied with self-care, but it is space for you to unwind, take a break, and recharge your batteries. It sets a great example for the kids in your life too, when they see you prioritizing your health.
Self-care looks different for everyone, and it's not necessarily a spa retreat (I wish)... it's about taking a few minutes for YOU. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
• Exercise
• Yoga/meditation
• Mantras
• Grab a good book and head to a coffee shop
• Meet a friend for a catch-up
• Lock the bedroom door and watch anything starring Ryan Gosling
Boundaries can save your marriage, and your stepfamily. Some people have the notion that boundaries are a negative thing, akin to putting up a wall around you, but boundaries can protect you from unwanted behavior by giving you needed distance.
If your husband's ex is frequently texting you with critical comments about how you care for the children, calmly tell her that you will be blocking her number and all communication will go through your husband from now on (after chatting to hubby first). Most important boundary advice? Stick to it! If you waver, the behavior will not change.
Perhaps hubby does not believe in a scheduled bed time for his kids. This flies in the face of the 8:00 p.m. pjs/teeth brushed/storytime/lights out routine you had imagined. You are the one trying to get the kids out of bed in the mornings when they're grumpy and won't eat their Cheerios... It's exhausting and frustrating. After months of tantrums, you calmly tell your husband that it would make your mornings much easier if they went to bed at a reasonable time. Many conversations later, he still has not budged, so you protect yourself with a boundary. You let him know that you will be leaving the morning routine to him from now on, while you have a long hot shower. Your husband may come around after a few unruly mornings, or not. Either way, you are protecting yourself from the negative behavior that he is inadvertently causing.
Communication! There is no relationship that has ever suffered from too much communication. With the challenges of stepfamily life, it is critical that you and your hubby are able to honestly share your thoughts and feelings.
Most of the time.
Biological parents have a different tolerance level for their own children, so there is no need to tell him all the ways that his kid drove you nuts today. But if something could be changed to make your life easier, speak up! Let him know if you're feeling overwhelmed, need a break, would like the kids to help out more... Remember, he's not a mind-reader.
Communication is key in your marriage, but is also important for co-parents. Hopefully your husband and his ex are on civil terms for the kids' sake, but if they cannot communicate in a healthy way, parallel parenting may be the key -- where parents do not communicate unless absolutely necessary. Each house has its own set of rules, routines and expectations. No communication is better than hostile communication.
Life is busy and complicated, but a few small changes can go a long way to having a more peaceful step-life.
On that note, my wine and bubble bath await... one of my preferred self-care practices.
Breathe deep, love deeper,
Erin
(Originally appeared here.)
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20150828 - U.S. to Join Inquiry Into Death of New York Prisoner
U.S. to Join Inquiry Into Death of New York Prisoner August 27, 2015 by Michael Schwirtz and Michael Winerip, New York Times 2015-08-27
3 Words To Keep In Mind After A Breakup
Different people have different reactions to getting dumped. Some retreat into themselves and need to be alone, others act unaffected and throw themselves into all things social. No matter the initial reaction, at the heart of it all is the universal sting you can't help but feel when experiencing rejection from someone you cared about.
This rejection sparks a distinct emotional pain, but Dr. Phil McGraw once offered an "Oprah Show" audience some timeless advice that can help anyone going through a breakup. As he said back then, remembering three little words can make a big difference in helping you move on.
"Don't personalize rejection," Dr. Phil says. "People get rejected and they say, 'Well, that means there must be something wrong with me.' It doesn't mean any such a thing!"
Instead, he continues, the issue is likely something rooted within your ex, something far beyond your control.
"Oftentimes, the flaw is in the other person," Dr. Phil says. "You hear about people with an inability to commit, or they've just got immaturity, or they've got other fish to fry in their life and it's just not the right time... Haven't you been with people that were just wonderful, but they just weren't right with you?"
If you're unable to stop personalizing rejection, it can spill over into your future relationships in a very negative way. "You're dragging all that baggage with you. You gotta get past that," Dr. Phil says. "Don't make them pay for sins -- real or imagined -- that [a past partner] committed... Start fresh. Give yourself a break."
More advice from Dr. Phil: How to keep away from your ex -- for good.
Also on HuffPost:
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20150828 - The New Orleans Jails, 10 Years Later
The New Orleans Jails, 10 Years Later August 27, 2015 by The Editorial Board, New York Times 2015-08-27
Ashley Madison Chief Just Resigned Over Hacking Scandal
Noel Biderman is no longer chief executive officer of Avid Life Media Inc., the company behind extramarital dating site Ashley Madison.
The change, which was said to be "in mutual agreement with the company," was announced in a press release Friday morning. According to the statement, Biderman no longer works with Avid Life in any form.
The removal of Biderman from his post follows a massive security breach on Avid Life's Ashley Madison website this summer. Hackers accessed the site's servers and last week dumped troves of data about its 37 million users.
Biderman and other Avid Life staff initially asserted that the data was bogus, prompting hackers to taunt the former CEO with yet another data dump.
Gizmodo reported this week that leaked emails contained in that stolen data revealed some unsavory details about Biderman himself. In 2012, he allegedly encouraged his chief technology officer, Raja Bhatia, to hack into a competing dating website and steal emails.
Avid Life maintains that it's working to combat those responsible for the leaked information.
"We are actively cooperating with international law enforcement in an effort to bring those responsible for the theft of proprietary member and business information to justice," Friday's statement reads.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150828 - The Lessons of Anwar al-Awlaki
The Lessons of Anwar al-Awlaki August 27, 2015 by Scott Shane, New York Times Magazine 2015-08-27
Friday, August 28, 2015
A Look Back On Princess Diana And Prince Charles' Emotional Divorce
It was news that stunned the world -- even if the tabloids had long claimed the royal marriage was in trouble: On August 28, 19 years ago, Prince Charles and Princess Diana divorced.
Diana -- "The People's Princess" -- and Prince Charles wed in 1981 but by 1985, the marriage was reportedly already in dire straits. The pair, who had two sons together -- Princes William and Harry -- stuck it through for 14 years because, as Diana later told the BBC's Martin Bashir, they "didn't want to disappoint the public."
Even before the couple wed, you could sense the pressure they both were under. In one interview, they were asked if they were in love. Charles followed up Diana's quick "of course" with the infamous line: "Whatever in love means."
During her revealing 1995 interview, Diana told Bashir, "The pressure on us both as a couple with the media was phenomenal, and misunderstood by a great many people."
Sitting down with Bashir was an audacious move on the princess' part; at the time, the 34-year-old had been separated from her husband since 1992. A month after giving the interview, Queen Elizabeth II urged the couple to get "an early divorce" -- which they did on Aug. 28, 1996.
During the interview, Diana also addressed Charles' alleged affair with Camilla Parker-Bowles -- an old friend he'd go onto marry in 2005.
"There were three in the marriage, so it was a bit crowded," she quipped.
In the end, Diana told Bashir she was content with her standing in the public eye, even if it was unlikely she'd ever be queen.
"I'd like to be a queen of people's hearts, in people's hearts, but I don't see myself being Queen of this country," she said.
A year after the split, Princess Diana was tragically killed in a car accident in Paris.
Below, read through the most interesting quotes from Princess Diana's 1995 conversation with the BBC:
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150828 - Weekends in Jail for Rape?
Weekends in Jail for Rape? August 28, 2015 by Corey Johnson, Marshall Project 2015-08-28
Former TV judge goes to jail: Contempt term went from 1 day to 5 days as Joe Brown kept talking
After Tennessee’s top court earlier this month rejected his appeal of a five-day contempt sentence, former television judge Joe Brown headed to jail in Shelby…
Legal How-To: Suing a Property Management Company
Even the most reasonable landlords and the most responsible tenants have the occasional dispute. Fortunately, the vast majority of these disputes never need to see the inside of a courtroom. For a minority of these cases, however, you may...
Improving quality isn’t anti-competitive
The Google Policy Blog has a post on how Improving quality isn’t anti-competitive.
20150827 - A Decade After Horror of Katrina, New Orleans Police Brutality Still Remains
A Decade After Horror of Katrina, New Orleans Police Brutality Still Remains August 26, 2015 by Peter Moskowitz, VICE News 2015-08-26
Do We Really Want Equal Pay?
By Ann Friedman
The other day a little girl asked Hillary Clinton whether she'd be paid as much as a man if she were elected president, a frustrating reminder that the gender-based wage gap persists, even for women at the very top of the game.*
The line you hear, over and over, is that among full-time workers, women are still paid 77 cents for each dollar that men make. But for many women of color the gap is much bigger. According to the National Partnership for Women and Families, "In the 20 states with the largest number of African American women working full time, year round, pay for African American women ranges from 49 to 70 cents for every dollar paid to white, non-Hispanic men in those states." As low as 49 cents for each dollar pocketed by white men. And that's just the disparity in paid work. In countries across the world, women do more work than men -- much of it for no compensation at all.
But as an activist goal, the demand of "equal pay for equal work" has never seemed less radical. In an era when inequality is rampant and wages are stagnant, the demand for equal pay seems willfully ignorant of the fact that equal pay with men won't help the working poor, who aren't paid a living wage regardless of gender. Even for professional-class women, "equal work" increasingly requires so many hours that the price of "equal pay" is too high, especially for women with health concerns or caretaking obligations.
Detractors often acknowledge that there is indeed a wage gap, then chalk it up to women's choices. They add caveats to that 77 percent: "But we need to know how much of that is because of choices that people make over working hours, what job they do, the flexibility they might prefer over pay and so on, and then see what's left which might be the result of direct discrimination," writes Tim Worstall in Forbes. As if needing flexible hours or taking a job in a field traditionally dominated by women are acceptable reasons to make less money. As if women's labor is worth less.
Most of us -- myself included -- have been thinking far too narrowly when it comes to why we're really enraged by the wage gap. It's not that we're frustrated at making so little progress toward pay equality. It's that we're playing a game we can't ever win. Even if women are paid equally to men in their occupations, "equal pay for equal work" is a way to make the best of a bad paradigm, a world in which most of us aren't paid enough and everyone works too much. If you waved a wand and granted all women equal wages to men, it still wouldn't solve what I consider to be the worst labor problems in the modern workforce. That no one can live on America's minimum wage, even if (and it's a big if) they work as many hours as humanly possible. That without meaningful subsidies, child care is prohibitively expensive. That working hours per week, even for salaried workers, have ballooned. That women still take on a disproportionate amount of labor that is completely uncompensated.
Last month, three feminist women of color -- Bardot Smith, Lauren Chief Elk-Young Bear, and Yeoshin Lourdes -- started a hashtag, #GiveYourMoneyToWomen. Their suggestion was that, rather than spend your money to try to elect the right politicians or support charities, we should send it directly to women who need it. They began tweeting links to PayPal and Square Cash accounts, and asking men to send them money. "For me the goal is a drastic cultural shift, to where what we're doing is normalized," Lourdes says in a conversation between the three women at Model View Culture, "so that all of women's contributions command direct access to resources and without question. This is how things always should've been." It is a way of questioning what sort of work we consider worthy of compensation. Their radical suggestion is that women be paid for all duties they are expected to perform for free: providing emotional support, putting up with catcalls, turning unintentional insults into teachable moments -- the list goes on.
The hashtag was also a critique of predominantly white feminists who equate equality in the corporate world with overall equality. To focus on leaning in and breaking the glass ceiling, says Chief Elk-Young Bear, is to "actually subsume yourself more into patriarchy, more into these institutions, mimic the systems that have created the disaster world we live in."
It's easy to focus on a number like 77 percent -- which is rage-inducing on its own -- and ignore the thorny and interlocking problems that contribute to it. I care about short-term solutions like fixing workplace culture and figuring out how to negotiate better. I'm glad Obama created that task force on the pay gap. But our goal shouldn't just be wage parity. It should be a reexamination of how people are expected to work, and how they are compensated for it.
Also from The Cut:
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Are We Overtreating Stage 0 Breast Cancer?
What Menopause Taught Me
Like Us On Facebook |
Follow Us On Twitter |
Contact HuffPost Women
ALSO ON HUFFPOST:
The other day a little girl asked Hillary Clinton whether she'd be paid as much as a man if she were elected president, a frustrating reminder that the gender-based wage gap persists, even for women at the very top of the game.*
The line you hear, over and over, is that among full-time workers, women are still paid 77 cents for each dollar that men make. But for many women of color the gap is much bigger. According to the National Partnership for Women and Families, "In the 20 states with the largest number of African American women working full time, year round, pay for African American women ranges from 49 to 70 cents for every dollar paid to white, non-Hispanic men in those states." As low as 49 cents for each dollar pocketed by white men. And that's just the disparity in paid work. In countries across the world, women do more work than men -- much of it for no compensation at all.
But as an activist goal, the demand of "equal pay for equal work" has never seemed less radical. In an era when inequality is rampant and wages are stagnant, the demand for equal pay seems willfully ignorant of the fact that equal pay with men won't help the working poor, who aren't paid a living wage regardless of gender. Even for professional-class women, "equal work" increasingly requires so many hours that the price of "equal pay" is too high, especially for women with health concerns or caretaking obligations.
Detractors often acknowledge that there is indeed a wage gap, then chalk it up to women's choices. They add caveats to that 77 percent: "But we need to know how much of that is because of choices that people make over working hours, what job they do, the flexibility they might prefer over pay and so on, and then see what's left which might be the result of direct discrimination," writes Tim Worstall in Forbes. As if needing flexible hours or taking a job in a field traditionally dominated by women are acceptable reasons to make less money. As if women's labor is worth less.
Most of us -- myself included -- have been thinking far too narrowly when it comes to why we're really enraged by the wage gap. It's not that we're frustrated at making so little progress toward pay equality. It's that we're playing a game we can't ever win. Even if women are paid equally to men in their occupations, "equal pay for equal work" is a way to make the best of a bad paradigm, a world in which most of us aren't paid enough and everyone works too much. If you waved a wand and granted all women equal wages to men, it still wouldn't solve what I consider to be the worst labor problems in the modern workforce. That no one can live on America's minimum wage, even if (and it's a big if) they work as many hours as humanly possible. That without meaningful subsidies, child care is prohibitively expensive. That working hours per week, even for salaried workers, have ballooned. That women still take on a disproportionate amount of labor that is completely uncompensated.
Last month, three feminist women of color -- Bardot Smith, Lauren Chief Elk-Young Bear, and Yeoshin Lourdes -- started a hashtag, #GiveYourMoneyToWomen. Their suggestion was that, rather than spend your money to try to elect the right politicians or support charities, we should send it directly to women who need it. They began tweeting links to PayPal and Square Cash accounts, and asking men to send them money. "For me the goal is a drastic cultural shift, to where what we're doing is normalized," Lourdes says in a conversation between the three women at Model View Culture, "so that all of women's contributions command direct access to resources and without question. This is how things always should've been." It is a way of questioning what sort of work we consider worthy of compensation. Their radical suggestion is that women be paid for all duties they are expected to perform for free: providing emotional support, putting up with catcalls, turning unintentional insults into teachable moments -- the list goes on.
The hashtag was also a critique of predominantly white feminists who equate equality in the corporate world with overall equality. To focus on leaning in and breaking the glass ceiling, says Chief Elk-Young Bear, is to "actually subsume yourself more into patriarchy, more into these institutions, mimic the systems that have created the disaster world we live in."
It's easy to focus on a number like 77 percent -- which is rage-inducing on its own -- and ignore the thorny and interlocking problems that contribute to it. I care about short-term solutions like fixing workplace culture and figuring out how to negotiate better. I'm glad Obama created that task force on the pay gap. But our goal shouldn't just be wage parity. It should be a reexamination of how people are expected to work, and how they are compensated for it.
Also from The Cut:
This Explains Why Men Always Think Women Are Flirting
Working With Too Many Men Is Bad for Your Health
Are We Overtreating Stage 0 Breast Cancer?
What Menopause Taught Me
Like Us On Facebook | Follow Us On Twitter | Contact HuffPost WomenALSO ON HUFFPOST:
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Multi-Product Duopoly with Cross-Product Cost Interdependencies
Gary Biglaiser, University of North Carolina and Andrei Hagiu, Harvard Business School - Strategy Unit Multi-Product review Duopoly with Cross-Product Cost Interdependencies. ABSTRACT: Many multi-product firms incur a complexity fixed cost when offering different product lines in different quality tiers...
20150826 - Life as a Public Defender
Life as a Public Defender August 26, 2015 by Kim Segal, CBS News 2015-08-26
Loneliness: The Sound of Silence
I met with a group of our teen and young adult volunteer peer counselors a few weeks ago. I am so impressed by their dedication and choice to attend our meeting rather than hang out with their friends or go to a local concert. Our peer counselors at NFRC give many hours of their time to provide support to other children and teens. They volunteer in NFRC's youth therapy groups, co parent education seminars, professional trainings and more. I was struck by the comments made by one peer counselor now a college student. She spoke about how lonely she has felt since her parents divorced and even many years later, feels the same way. This topic struck a chord with our other peer counselors and I wanted to pursue this more, first to be supportive to this group of giving individuals; secondly to reach out to parents to prevent their children's loneliness.
What I learned from these honest individuals was that they experienced a profound loss. Not being with one parent, they often as Mia put it, experienced that loss by themselves because the parent they were with didn't necessarily feel the same way. "The emotional separation takes away both of the parents and leaves the child incredibly lonely."
A significant factor that affects children and teens is having a parent with an untreated mental illness. The statements made by the peer counselors disclosed their great worry for their parent and in addition, the fear of being hurt by the parent, fear that they, too, might suffer from mental illness in the future. The most profound statement came from a peer counselor who said, "Between substance abuse and untreated mental illness, I had no one." Everyone was so busy focusing on my parents; they had no time for me and still don't." That is the loneliness for this Jake. There were so many difficult times he shared with us that his parents just ignored him, yelled at him and didn't celebrate with him during times of his success in school, athletics and other aspects of his life. Another teen with a parent who suffers from some of these issues, stated that she had to grow up faster. Always concerned about younger siblings, she protected them, took them in her room when there was an "emotional rampage", made sure that when with this parent, they did their homework, always reassuring them when she herself was anxious.
Divorce and other family transitions don't have to define youth and adults; these transitions can be integrated in to everyone's life moving forward but key factors are needed to make this happen.
These peer counselors reiterated that it may sound simple but said "our parents have to show us love." They do that by paying attention to us, asking us about lives and even disciplining us." They said they need comforting when scared and help from parents and professionals when the going is too scary and painful for them to handle.
I suggest parents think about and try to implement the following strategies to help their children:
1. Understand and accept that a divorce or separation has a major impact on all family members. You made a decision that you needed to make; it doesn't make you a bad parent if you acknowledge your children may be hurting. In fact, know that if you allow them to feel their emotions and express them and you are there to comfort them, you are demonstrating that there are tough things that happen in life and you and your children can work through these times!
2. If you suffer from an untreated mental illness and or have substance abuse issues, try to understand that this can be very difficult for children and teens. They worry about you, may be scared to ride in the car with you, may be fearful that you may have an outburst and may be afraid to tell their other parent because they don't want to hurt you or "get you in to trouble." Parents and extended family, friends, employers, we all must face our responsibility in helping those who have a mental illness and /r substance abuse problem. Every time we turn our backs, we are leaving the children alone, just like the peer counselors described.
3. Seek professionals who can support your children and help you. This is not about your children being disturbed or your feeling guilty; it is about normalizing what your children are going through and teaching them coping strategies in a safe environment where they can be themselves and express themselves freely.
4. Your constructive work with a co parent is essential to your child. If no children had been involved in a divorce, parents do not have to deal with each other; it is their choice. There really is no such choice when children are involved.
I have so much respect for children and teen's willingness to reach out to others, to give of themselves and continue to want to work on their family relationships. Our center is viewed like a "family" to families with whom we work. This was evidenced by one of the young adults taking time off from work to attend the peer meeting and refusing to accept money for the dinner she brought for everyone. Let's take care of our children and teens!
What I learned from these honest individuals was that they experienced a profound loss. Not being with one parent, they often as Mia put it, experienced that loss by themselves because the parent they were with didn't necessarily feel the same way. "The emotional separation takes away both of the parents and leaves the child incredibly lonely."
A significant factor that affects children and teens is having a parent with an untreated mental illness. The statements made by the peer counselors disclosed their great worry for their parent and in addition, the fear of being hurt by the parent, fear that they, too, might suffer from mental illness in the future. The most profound statement came from a peer counselor who said, "Between substance abuse and untreated mental illness, I had no one." Everyone was so busy focusing on my parents; they had no time for me and still don't." That is the loneliness for this Jake. There were so many difficult times he shared with us that his parents just ignored him, yelled at him and didn't celebrate with him during times of his success in school, athletics and other aspects of his life. Another teen with a parent who suffers from some of these issues, stated that she had to grow up faster. Always concerned about younger siblings, she protected them, took them in her room when there was an "emotional rampage", made sure that when with this parent, they did their homework, always reassuring them when she herself was anxious.
Divorce and other family transitions don't have to define youth and adults; these transitions can be integrated in to everyone's life moving forward but key factors are needed to make this happen.
These peer counselors reiterated that it may sound simple but said "our parents have to show us love." They do that by paying attention to us, asking us about lives and even disciplining us." They said they need comforting when scared and help from parents and professionals when the going is too scary and painful for them to handle.
I suggest parents think about and try to implement the following strategies to help their children:
1. Understand and accept that a divorce or separation has a major impact on all family members. You made a decision that you needed to make; it doesn't make you a bad parent if you acknowledge your children may be hurting. In fact, know that if you allow them to feel their emotions and express them and you are there to comfort them, you are demonstrating that there are tough things that happen in life and you and your children can work through these times!
2. If you suffer from an untreated mental illness and or have substance abuse issues, try to understand that this can be very difficult for children and teens. They worry about you, may be scared to ride in the car with you, may be fearful that you may have an outburst and may be afraid to tell their other parent because they don't want to hurt you or "get you in to trouble." Parents and extended family, friends, employers, we all must face our responsibility in helping those who have a mental illness and /r substance abuse problem. Every time we turn our backs, we are leaving the children alone, just like the peer counselors described.
3. Seek professionals who can support your children and help you. This is not about your children being disturbed or your feeling guilty; it is about normalizing what your children are going through and teaching them coping strategies in a safe environment where they can be themselves and express themselves freely.
4. Your constructive work with a co parent is essential to your child. If no children had been involved in a divorce, parents do not have to deal with each other; it is their choice. There really is no such choice when children are involved.
I have so much respect for children and teen's willingness to reach out to others, to give of themselves and continue to want to work on their family relationships. Our center is viewed like a "family" to families with whom we work. This was evidenced by one of the young adults taking time off from work to attend the peer meeting and refusing to accept money for the dinner she brought for everyone. Let's take care of our children and teens!
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