A divided federal appeals court Tuesday upheld a 2013 antitrust verdict against Apple Inc. It centers on the company’s participation in a price-fixing conspiracy concerning…
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
2nd Circuit OKs verdict against Apple in $450M e-book price-fixing case
Do You Need a Permit to Remodel Your House?
Planning on remodeling your bathroom, adding a fence, or re-roofing your house? If so, you may need to obtain a permit. Fixing or remodeling a house is hard and costly enough, but figuring out which permits you need and...
20150630 - Warrantless phone tapping, e-mail spying inching to Supreme Court review
Warrantless phone tapping, e-mail spying inching to Supreme Court review June 29, 2015 by David Kravets, Ars Technica 2015-06-29
Which States Now Issues Same-Sex Marriage Licenses?
While many are celebrating the Supreme Court's decision in favor of marriage equality in the case of Obergefell v. Hodges, many others are still trying to resist the tide of progress. Before the ruling came out last Friday, 15...
Divided US Supreme court votes 5-4 to freeze Texas abortion law as it mulls whether to hear appeal
By a 5-4 vote, the nation’s top court on Monday stayed enforcement by the state of Texas of a state law that could have forced…
20150629 - Delayed Federal Court Confirmations Hurting NJ, Group Says
Delayed Federal Court Confirmations Hurting NJ, Group Says June 25, 2015 by Charles Toutant, New Jersey Law Journal 2015-06-25
Sunday, June 28, 2015
20150626 - Culture Project, Rosie O'Donnell to Debut MOTHERSTRUCK, Directed by Cynthia Nixon, This Fall
Culture Project, Rosie O'Donnell to Debut MOTHERSTRUCK, Directed by Cynthia Nixon, This Fall June 25, 2015 Broadway World 2015-06-25
Saturday, June 27, 2015
If I Find an Abandoned Baby, Can I Keep It?
Welcome to the new FindLaw series, "If I Find," where we'll discuss the rule of finders keepers as it applies to different topics. We hope you'll check back regularly! When Quasimodo was left on the doorstep of Notre Dame,...
Friday, June 26, 2015
Same-Sex Couples Have Fundamental Right to Marry
Yesterday, Michigan, Kentucky, Ohio, and Tennessee defined marriage as a union between one man and one woman. Today, that definition is an unconstitutional violation of the Fourteenth Amendment. The Supreme Court of the United States has ruled in Obergefell...
Jail moves to video-only visits; fee will be charged to visitors
Add another jail to a growing list of penal institutions that don’t allow inmates in-person visits with family and friends.
Instead, those who wish to…
20150626 - How many federal prisoners have strong Johnson claims (and how many lawyers will help figure this out)?
How many federal prisoners have "strong Johnson claims" (and how many lawyers will help figure this out)? June 26, 2015 Sentencing Law and Policy Blog 2015-06-26
(Published) - Summary for Publication: In re Edward J. Romero, Bankr. Case No. 15-11254-TBM (Chapter 7)(Applicability of Colorado's homestead exemption.)
The Court sustained the Chapter 7 Trustee's objection to Debtor's claim of exemption under Colo. Rev. Stat. § 38-41-201 or § 38-41-201.5 in a Peterbilt truck. Though the Debtor has been living on the Peterbilt truck continuously since approximately 1998 and considers it to be his home, under applicable principles of statutory construction, the Court concludes that the term "homestead" requires some association with realty. Because the Peterbilt truck is not permanently or semipermanently installed on real property, it is not associated with the land and does not qualify as a homestead.
20150625 - Judges must instruct juries that cross-racial IDs can be flawed
Judges must instruct juries that cross-racial IDs can be flawed June 25, 2015 by Martin Finucane, Boston Globe 2015-06-25
20150625 - Why Isn't More Happening to Reduce America's Bloated Prison Population?
Why Isn't More Happening to Reduce America's Bloated Prison Population? June 24, 2015 by Tim Dickinson, Rolling Stone 2015-06-24
20150625 - The 80,000-Volt Handcuffs That Let Cops Shock Prisoners
The 80,000-Volt Handcuffs That Let Cops Shock Prisoners June 25, 2015 by Conor Friedersdorf, The Atlantic 2015-06-25
20150625 - U-Mich. survey: 22.5% of female undergrads were victims of sexual misconduct
U-Mich. survey: 22.5% of female undergrads were victims of sexual misconduct June 24, 2015 by Nick Anderson, Washington Post 2015-06-24
20150625 - Judge Spares Drug Dealer Life in Prison
Judge Spares Drug Dealer Life in Prison June 24, 2015 by James C. McKinley Jr., New York Times 2015-06-24
20150625 - What Prisons Can Learn From Schools
What Prisons Can Learn From Schools June 25, 2015 by Eli Hager, The Marshall Project 2015-06-25
Thursday, June 25, 2015
5 Questions to Ask Before Marriage
Getting married is a big step, and you shouldn't go into it blindly assuming that everything will work out according to your fairytale vision. If you're preparing to get married, I'm sure you've already had many discussions about your...
Tax Subsidies for All: SCOTUS Rules in Favor of Obamacare
Obamacare lives to fight another day! The health care law, more formally known as the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (ACA), withstood yet another attempt to negate it today after the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the...
Do Landlords Need to Maintain Pools?
You probably picked your apartment or rental house based on the fact it had a pool, and now that summer is here, that decision can really pay off. So it'd be a real bummer to find the pool discolored...
Can I Reverse an Adoption?
While some adoptions can add more life and joy to a family, not all adoptions work out as planned. Sometimes adoptive parents just aren't as ready or able to care for an adopted child as they thought they were. It...
A Woman on the $20 or the $10 Bill? Who Can Be on Currency?
The 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment, which gave women the right to vote, is coming up soon in 2020. A group called Women on 20s wants a woman to be featured on the $20 bill by then to...
The Speech On Feminism Every Millennial Should Hear
In her usual style, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie just dropped some awesome feminist knowledge.
In a speech given at Wellesley College's Commencement ceremony on May 29, the award-winning author discussed feminism, male privilege and daring to speak your mind.
Adichie said that she understood from a young age that the world did not cater to women they way it does men. She knew "that men were not inherently bad or evil. They were merely privileged. And I knew that privilege blinds because it is the nature of privilege to blind."
She told the crowd of recent graduates that they too now hold a certain privilege after graduating from the prestigious women's college. "No matter what your background. That degree, and the experience of being here, is a privilege," she said. "Don’t let it blind you too often. Sometimes you will need to push it aside in order to see clearly."
The 37-year-old went on to give life advice to inspire minds and motivate action, telling the audience: "I urge you to try and create the world you want to live in... Minister to the world in a way that can change it. Minister radically in a real, active, practical, get-your-hands-dirty way."
She continued, listing a number of ways in which the recent grads can take the real world by storm:
"Write television shows in which female strength is not depicted as remarkable but merely normal. Teach your students to see that vulnerability is a human rather than a female trait."
"Commission magazine articles that teach men how to keep a woman happy. Because there are already too many articles that tell women how to keep a man happy."
"Campaign and agitate for paid paternity leave everywhere in America."
"Hire more women where there are few. But remember that a woman you hire doesn’t have to be exceptionally good. Like a majority of the men who get hired, she just needs to be good enough."
Adichie reminded the audience that feminism really is for everybody. "Feminism should be an inclusive party. Feminism should be a party full of different feminisms," she said, adding, "And so, class of 2015, please go out there and make feminism a big, raucous, inclusive party."
She concluded the address on a beautiful and poignant note, telling the young women that the most important thing in the world is love -- but remembering to give love and take love is key. "Now girls are often raised to see love only as giving. Women are praised for their love when that love is an act of giving. But to love is to give and to take," she said. "Please love by giving and by taking. Give and be given. If you are only giving and not taking, you’ll know. You’ll know from that small and true voice inside you that we females are so often socialized to silence."
Adichie finished her speech, telling the crowd: "Don’t silence that voice. Dare to take."
In a speech given at Wellesley College's Commencement ceremony on May 29, the award-winning author discussed feminism, male privilege and daring to speak your mind.
Adichie said that she understood from a young age that the world did not cater to women they way it does men. She knew "that men were not inherently bad or evil. They were merely privileged. And I knew that privilege blinds because it is the nature of privilege to blind."
She told the crowd of recent graduates that they too now hold a certain privilege after graduating from the prestigious women's college. "No matter what your background. That degree, and the experience of being here, is a privilege," she said. "Don’t let it blind you too often. Sometimes you will need to push it aside in order to see clearly."
The 37-year-old went on to give life advice to inspire minds and motivate action, telling the audience: "I urge you to try and create the world you want to live in... Minister to the world in a way that can change it. Minister radically in a real, active, practical, get-your-hands-dirty way."
She continued, listing a number of ways in which the recent grads can take the real world by storm:
"Write television shows in which female strength is not depicted as remarkable but merely normal. Teach your students to see that vulnerability is a human rather than a female trait."
"Commission magazine articles that teach men how to keep a woman happy. Because there are already too many articles that tell women how to keep a man happy."
"Campaign and agitate for paid paternity leave everywhere in America."
"Hire more women where there are few. But remember that a woman you hire doesn’t have to be exceptionally good. Like a majority of the men who get hired, she just needs to be good enough."
Adichie reminded the audience that feminism really is for everybody. "Feminism should be an inclusive party. Feminism should be a party full of different feminisms," she said, adding, "And so, class of 2015, please go out there and make feminism a big, raucous, inclusive party."
She concluded the address on a beautiful and poignant note, telling the young women that the most important thing in the world is love -- but remembering to give love and take love is key. "Now girls are often raised to see love only as giving. Women are praised for their love when that love is an act of giving. But to love is to give and to take," she said. "Please love by giving and by taking. Give and be given. If you are only giving and not taking, you’ll know. You’ll know from that small and true voice inside you that we females are so often socialized to silence."
Adichie finished her speech, telling the crowd: "Don’t silence that voice. Dare to take."
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150624 - Riots spur Senate look at sentencing reform
Riots spur Senate look at sentencing reform June 24, 2015 by Rachael Bade, Politico 2015-06-24
Candace Bushnell: 'I Still Think Being Single Is Harder'
Candace Bushnell, the writer of an essay collection that turned into beloved television show "Sex and the City" -- known for the glammest girl squad to walk the streets of New York -- still has a lot to say about being single in the Big Apple.
In an interview with HuffPost Live on June 23, Bushnell discussed her new book, Killing Monica, and got real with host Nancy Redd about living the single life.
"I think being single is harder [than being married]," Bushnell said. "If you’re a single woman people are always asking you 'Are you dating?' 'When are you gonna meet someone?'...Once you are married, it’s like you’re safe. People know your story. When you’re single, you’re not quite safe. People don’t quite know your story.”
The fabulous single ladies of "Sex and the City" couldn't agree more. In an episode called "Bay of Married Pigs" from the first season of the show, the women talk bluntly about how difficult life can be for a single woman in a couple's world. Charlotte says, "I hate it when you're the only single person at a dinner party and they all look at you like you're a..." As her thoughts trail off, each of her three friends offers a word to finish Charlotte's sentence:
Carrie: "Loser?"
Miranda: "Leper."
Samantha: "Whore."
The single life can be hard for anyone, yet women face a special kind of sexist stigma if they haven't put a ring on it. One of Bushnell's grievances with being a single woman is the constant interrogation -- with questions that are only asked to women. "I’ve been asked so many questions about my relationship status and my sex life, and it is true these are not things that we would ask men."
We've all been there -- hounded by nosy busybodies who only care about who we're dating right now. Though Bushnell points out the persistent problem that "usually women’s value is in conjunction with somebody elses," women are more than just a relationship.
Bushnell references Killing Monica when talking about the burden of being a single woman in our society. She says, "It reminds me of a little passage in the book when [the main character] Pandy wonders why the world doesn’t celebrate the self-made woman." It's time that the world starts "celebrating women for their singular talents and contributions" -- starting with asking women questions about themselves rather than their (existent or non-existent) significant other.
In an interview with HuffPost Live on June 23, Bushnell discussed her new book, Killing Monica, and got real with host Nancy Redd about living the single life.
"I think being single is harder [than being married]," Bushnell said. "If you’re a single woman people are always asking you 'Are you dating?' 'When are you gonna meet someone?'...Once you are married, it’s like you’re safe. People know your story. When you’re single, you’re not quite safe. People don’t quite know your story.”
The fabulous single ladies of "Sex and the City" couldn't agree more. In an episode called "Bay of Married Pigs" from the first season of the show, the women talk bluntly about how difficult life can be for a single woman in a couple's world. Charlotte says, "I hate it when you're the only single person at a dinner party and they all look at you like you're a..." As her thoughts trail off, each of her three friends offers a word to finish Charlotte's sentence:
Carrie: "Loser?"
Miranda: "Leper."
Samantha: "Whore."
The single life can be hard for anyone, yet women face a special kind of sexist stigma if they haven't put a ring on it. One of Bushnell's grievances with being a single woman is the constant interrogation -- with questions that are only asked to women. "I’ve been asked so many questions about my relationship status and my sex life, and it is true these are not things that we would ask men."
We've all been there -- hounded by nosy busybodies who only care about who we're dating right now. Though Bushnell points out the persistent problem that "usually women’s value is in conjunction with somebody elses," women are more than just a relationship.
Bushnell references Killing Monica when talking about the burden of being a single woman in our society. She says, "It reminds me of a little passage in the book when [the main character] Pandy wonders why the world doesn’t celebrate the self-made woman." It's time that the world starts "celebrating women for their singular talents and contributions" -- starting with asking women questions about themselves rather than their (existent or non-existent) significant other.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150624 - Room for Debate: Charleston and the Threat of Homegrown Hate Groups
Room for Debate: Charleston and the Threat of Homegrown Hate Groups June 24, 2015 The New York Times 2015-06-24
Other-Thinking
Other thinking.
If there is one lesson I have learned as a result of my divorce it is that once I can move away from other-thinking the closer I am to healing. Other thinking. It can be insidious. At first you are thinking of your other, soon to be ex, when you are in the turmoil that leads to separation. Many of your sentences begin with " If only he would ..." 'Why can't she be more like", "I can't believe he did that!"
Just after separation you may cut him out of your hair, lose a few pounds, update your wardrobe so when he sees the new you he notices, you hope, the changes about you. Maybe he'll find you attractive again. Maybe he'll regret leaving you. Sure signs that you are still entangled in him. Sure signs that you still care what he thinks of you. But in terms of other thinking this is relatively benign. While not completely healthy it at least is not hurting anyone. Eventually, you are given glimpses of why the marriage did not work out. Then you can realize that all this self care is not for his/ her sake but yours. And heck, you got a new hair cut and you look great!
The more destructive other thinking is the kind that keeps you up at night. This is the sort that has you thinking about division of assets, sleuthing the truth as to why he left, hyper-vigilance over every contact with the kids. It is the kind of thinking that you dull with wine. You have long one-sided tear stain conversations with friends. You obsess over details of fights you had years ago. It is the kind of thinking that is an expression of the incredible stress that divorce can wreak on your soul.
It is the kind of thinking we all go through. I am sure that my ex went through the same thing. Only after it is all said and done and the papers are signed can you really move beyond other thinking. For your own happiness you should move beyond this kind of thinking. Who cares if your ex has a new boy/girlfriend? That person will have to deal with his dirty underwear on the floor. So your ex has a shiny new car , a boat and you have a 20 year old car, you need to find your own happiness and not dwell on his stuff. What matters most at this point is whether the other parent is fulfilling his obligations to your children.
Because if there are kids you have to move beyond it. I don't mean to state this as though I have all the authority of a self-help book. I say this because my parents were divorced when I was 4 years old. This is the recurring memory from my childhood: my mother with a can of coke on the kitchen table, a cigarette in her hand burning down to a long stick of ash as she is ranting to someone on the phone about my absent father. Throughout my adulthood I have had conversations with her that revert back to my father decades after he left. For her it is not the past retold, the pain and hurt are still very present. All this energy, anger, and bitterness expressed towards someone who has not been part of her life since the 1970's. Sad. I can only imagine how much happier she could have been; and as a result my childhood, if she had been able to move beyond her grief.
When I think about what I want my son to remember about his childhood it is not a constant stream of arguments between his parents. It is not a mother blinded by anger and pain at his dad so much that she denies her own happiness. There may be lots of changes and sacrifices that I have had to make as a result of my divorce and single parenthood; but my chance to be content in my own skin is a sacrifice I am not willing to make. It serves no purpose. There will always be collateral damage employing this strategy; and he is four feet tall, has curly hair and glasses. So with time and distance and forgiveness and honesty with myself I try really hard to put the other-thinking where it belongs, in the past with my marriage.
If there is one lesson I have learned as a result of my divorce it is that once I can move away from other-thinking the closer I am to healing. Other thinking. It can be insidious. At first you are thinking of your other, soon to be ex, when you are in the turmoil that leads to separation. Many of your sentences begin with " If only he would ..." 'Why can't she be more like", "I can't believe he did that!"
Just after separation you may cut him out of your hair, lose a few pounds, update your wardrobe so when he sees the new you he notices, you hope, the changes about you. Maybe he'll find you attractive again. Maybe he'll regret leaving you. Sure signs that you are still entangled in him. Sure signs that you still care what he thinks of you. But in terms of other thinking this is relatively benign. While not completely healthy it at least is not hurting anyone. Eventually, you are given glimpses of why the marriage did not work out. Then you can realize that all this self care is not for his/ her sake but yours. And heck, you got a new hair cut and you look great!
The more destructive other thinking is the kind that keeps you up at night. This is the sort that has you thinking about division of assets, sleuthing the truth as to why he left, hyper-vigilance over every contact with the kids. It is the kind of thinking that you dull with wine. You have long one-sided tear stain conversations with friends. You obsess over details of fights you had years ago. It is the kind of thinking that is an expression of the incredible stress that divorce can wreak on your soul.
It is the kind of thinking we all go through. I am sure that my ex went through the same thing. Only after it is all said and done and the papers are signed can you really move beyond other thinking. For your own happiness you should move beyond this kind of thinking. Who cares if your ex has a new boy/girlfriend? That person will have to deal with his dirty underwear on the floor. So your ex has a shiny new car , a boat and you have a 20 year old car, you need to find your own happiness and not dwell on his stuff. What matters most at this point is whether the other parent is fulfilling his obligations to your children.
Because if there are kids you have to move beyond it. I don't mean to state this as though I have all the authority of a self-help book. I say this because my parents were divorced when I was 4 years old. This is the recurring memory from my childhood: my mother with a can of coke on the kitchen table, a cigarette in her hand burning down to a long stick of ash as she is ranting to someone on the phone about my absent father. Throughout my adulthood I have had conversations with her that revert back to my father decades after he left. For her it is not the past retold, the pain and hurt are still very present. All this energy, anger, and bitterness expressed towards someone who has not been part of her life since the 1970's. Sad. I can only imagine how much happier she could have been; and as a result my childhood, if she had been able to move beyond her grief.
When I think about what I want my son to remember about his childhood it is not a constant stream of arguments between his parents. It is not a mother blinded by anger and pain at his dad so much that she denies her own happiness. There may be lots of changes and sacrifices that I have had to make as a result of my divorce and single parenthood; but my chance to be content in my own skin is a sacrifice I am not willing to make. It serves no purpose. There will always be collateral damage employing this strategy; and he is four feet tall, has curly hair and glasses. So with time and distance and forgiveness and honesty with myself I try really hard to put the other-thinking where it belongs, in the past with my marriage.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150624 - Homegrown Radicals More Deadly Than Jihadis in U.S.
Homegrown Radicals More Deadly Than Jihadis in U.S. June 24, 2015 by Scott Shane, New York Times 2015-06-24
The Dating Reminder Middle-Aged Women Unfortunately Still Need To Hear
A few months ago, I was on a "dating over 50" panel intended to offer male perspectives to an entirely female audience.
The hostess, a "dating coach," invited three men -- the boyfriend of a friend of hers, the man she was dating at the time, and me -- to impart our experiences and advice. The boyfriend of her friend seemed a little shy and seemed not to want to be there, and his advice was bland but fine.
I tend to be pretty direct, and believe if women want the male perspective, I should offer it warts and all. I wasn't harsh or negative, but I shared my opinions frankly. Foolishly, I figured that's what they wanted.
The guy the hostess was dating at the time was ripped from the pages of "Sensitive Over 50 Guys in the 21st Century." He was fawning, gushing, practically springing leaks -- all his advice and anecdotes were sandwiched between ravings about how wonderful his girlfriend (the hostess) was.
It was such an over-the-top performance that I was genuinely physically uncomfortable each time he spoke. If I had been wired, I'm sure my blood pressure would have been shown to spike every time he opened his mouth.
The women, however, loved him.
They almost literally swooned at the guy's lavish praise for his main squeeze. His comments about dating weren't exactly bolts of wisdom worthy of interrupting our regularly scheduled programming, but they were okay, pretty much what one would predict from a guy so clearly eager to score points -- and perhaps dates -- from his listeners.
And of course, the dating coach/hostess/girlfriend lapped it up. If it were possible, her head would have spun around with giddy glee.
About three weeks later, I called the dating coach hostess on a business matter. I asked her how the boyfriend was doing.
Well, he was no longer the boyfriend. Gone. Why? I asked, 95 percent sure of the answer. He turned out not to be so sensitive but rather a "narcissist" -- her word. Unsupportive. Selfish.
No! What a shock. I could have told you this eventual outcome just listening to his Ode to My Amazing Girlfriend yammering on the panel.
I get that, and I accept it. That's his schtick, his way of getting over. Lather on the praise to the point of suffocation and chances are most people are left too breathless to wonder what it really says about the one doing the praising.
So I don't blame him for laying it on thick.
But I do blame the gullible women in the audience for buying the snake oil, and especially his then-girlfriend -- a 'dating coach," remember? -- for being taken in by this BS.
So what? Who cares? Well here's so what.
Women over 50 ought to know better. One would think they would be able to distinguish between unbridled bullshit and expressions of love and affection after five-plus decades, and even be able to see those not-so-hidden traces of narcissism in that behavior.
Maybe not. I certainly can be charming when I want to be, but I lose points for being, as I said, direct. I think it's important to be diplomatic and positive when offering advice, but I think we learn the most when that advice is also honest and helpful even if it may not be what we want to hear. Turns out I may well be wrong about that.
The hostess' Mr. Sensitivity turned out to be the exact opposite of what he appeared to be. It reminded me of a college roommate who used to claim he never put anyone down but was in fact one of the meanest people I've ever known.
But again, I'm not concerned about one narcissistic guy pretending to be something he isn't. I'm not a dating coach, but as someone who has dated a bunch, I do feel a commitment to urge women -- especially mature women -- not to be so easily taken in.
To these blushing women, Mr. Sensitivity was the guy they dreamed about. Except he wasn't. He may have been the guy HE dreamed about!
I'll take the hit with women over 50 if I dare to be direct and warn them that the charmer who is telling them how wonderful they are today may be unsupportive, selfish and gone tomorrow.
I just didn't think women over 50 still needed that reminder.
The hostess, a "dating coach," invited three men -- the boyfriend of a friend of hers, the man she was dating at the time, and me -- to impart our experiences and advice. The boyfriend of her friend seemed a little shy and seemed not to want to be there, and his advice was bland but fine.
I tend to be pretty direct, and believe if women want the male perspective, I should offer it warts and all. I wasn't harsh or negative, but I shared my opinions frankly. Foolishly, I figured that's what they wanted.
The guy the hostess was dating at the time was ripped from the pages of "Sensitive Over 50 Guys in the 21st Century." He was fawning, gushing, practically springing leaks -- all his advice and anecdotes were sandwiched between ravings about how wonderful his girlfriend (the hostess) was.
It was such an over-the-top performance that I was genuinely physically uncomfortable each time he spoke. If I had been wired, I'm sure my blood pressure would have been shown to spike every time he opened his mouth.
The women, however, loved him.
They almost literally swooned at the guy's lavish praise for his main squeeze. His comments about dating weren't exactly bolts of wisdom worthy of interrupting our regularly scheduled programming, but they were okay, pretty much what one would predict from a guy so clearly eager to score points -- and perhaps dates -- from his listeners.
And of course, the dating coach/hostess/girlfriend lapped it up. If it were possible, her head would have spun around with giddy glee.
About three weeks later, I called the dating coach hostess on a business matter. I asked her how the boyfriend was doing.
Well, he was no longer the boyfriend. Gone. Why? I asked, 95 percent sure of the answer. He turned out not to be so sensitive but rather a "narcissist" -- her word. Unsupportive. Selfish.
No! What a shock. I could have told you this eventual outcome just listening to his Ode to My Amazing Girlfriend yammering on the panel.
I get that, and I accept it. That's his schtick, his way of getting over. Lather on the praise to the point of suffocation and chances are most people are left too breathless to wonder what it really says about the one doing the praising.
So I don't blame him for laying it on thick.
But I do blame the gullible women in the audience for buying the snake oil, and especially his then-girlfriend -- a 'dating coach," remember? -- for being taken in by this BS.
So what? Who cares? Well here's so what.
Women over 50 ought to know better. One would think they would be able to distinguish between unbridled bullshit and expressions of love and affection after five-plus decades, and even be able to see those not-so-hidden traces of narcissism in that behavior.
Maybe not. I certainly can be charming when I want to be, but I lose points for being, as I said, direct. I think it's important to be diplomatic and positive when offering advice, but I think we learn the most when that advice is also honest and helpful even if it may not be what we want to hear. Turns out I may well be wrong about that.
The hostess' Mr. Sensitivity turned out to be the exact opposite of what he appeared to be. It reminded me of a college roommate who used to claim he never put anyone down but was in fact one of the meanest people I've ever known.
But again, I'm not concerned about one narcissistic guy pretending to be something he isn't. I'm not a dating coach, but as someone who has dated a bunch, I do feel a commitment to urge women -- especially mature women -- not to be so easily taken in.
To these blushing women, Mr. Sensitivity was the guy they dreamed about. Except he wasn't. He may have been the guy HE dreamed about!
I'll take the hit with women over 50 if I dare to be direct and warn them that the charmer who is telling them how wonderful they are today may be unsupportive, selfish and gone tomorrow.
I just didn't think women over 50 still needed that reminder.
Earlier on Huff/Post50:
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150624 - What’s Justice for Kids Who Kill?
What’s Justice for Kids Who Kill? June 23, 2015 by Dana Goldstein, The Marshall Project 2015-06-23
20150624 - Bryan Stevenson on Charleston and Our Real Problem with Race
The Surprisingly Imperfect Science of DNA Testing June 24, 2015 by Corey Johnson, The Marshall Project 2015-06-24
20150624 - The Surprisingly Imperfect Science of DNA Testing
The Surprisingly Imperfect Science of DNA Testing June 24, 2015 by Katie Worth, The Marshall Project 2015-06-24
20150624 - DOJ indicating it will appeal Judge Glesson's remarkable federal expungement order
DOJ indicating it will appeal Judge Glesson's remarkable federal expungement order June 23, 2015 Sentencing Law and Policy Blog 2015-06-23
20150624 - How USA Freedom Impacts Ongoing NSA Litigation
How USA Freedom Impacts Ongoing NSA Litigation June 23, 2015 by Kelsey Harclerode, Electronic Frontier Foundation 2015-06-23
20150624 - Jailed for Being Broke
Jailed for Being Broke June 23, 2015 by Matt Taibbi, Rolling Stone 2015-06-23
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
20150624 - Executions in Louisiana have been on hold for at least a year due to dearth of lethal-injection drugs
Executions in Louisiana have been on hold for at least a year due to dearth of lethal-injection drugs June 24, 2015 by Della Hasselle, New Orleans Advocate 2015-06-24
Why I'm Not Too Broken Up About Being From a "Broken" Home
I'm not a big fan of the term "broken home." It reeks of melodrama. "The poor child! She comes from a broken home! How ghastly!" I've also never really understood the phrase, "Staying together for the kids." When I hear about couples doggedly and unhappily sticking it out for this reason, or a parent being torn apart about what a divorce will "do to the children," I generally just want to shake everyone involved and shout, "What do you think living in a home with a tense, unhappy, loveless marriage is going to do to them??" Kids are pretty astute. They know when something's up. They know when mom and dad are secretly seething at each other over the dinner table, and (spoiler alert) they can definitely hear you when you fight behind closed doors.
I guess I'm just saying don't martyr yourself in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children. If you decide to end it, and do so while ensuring your kids know you both love them and will always be there for them, odds are your kids are going to be a-okay. Yeah, they might shed a few tears initially and they'll definitely be an adjustment period, but they'll hardly be ruined for life (unless you totally screw it up by being petty and immature and putting them in the middle, in which case you're probably totally screwing them up anyway).
Would it have been nice if my parents had gotten along and stayed together and we had all been one big, happy family? Of course. But that would also by definition mean that my parents would have been two entirely different people than who they actually were. And as an adult who can look back and remember their dysfunctional, miserable dynamic, I would never wish it on either of them for my sake.
Maybe that's a key to growing up: the realization that your parents are people outside of just being your parents. They have whole entire emotional inner lives that we are pretty selfishly unaware of as kids (and that's the way it should be). If my parents had waited to split when us kids had all left the nest, I'd like to think I'd tow the line of, "You let yourself be miserable for 20 years for us? Jeeze guys, we would have understood!"
Bottom line, your kids love you, and if they grow up to be empathetic people capable of complex thought, they'll understand. And to be totally honest, there were plenty of times when my parents did put us in the middle and did make us little mediators and did do a lot of the things that all those fancy divorce books now say not to do, but guess what? As an adult, I still understand! They were hurting. They had never ended a marriage before. They were just trying their best. And I still love them (and you can be sure I still call home to tell them when their favorite movies are on TV or when I'm wondering if Raid is poisonous to cats).
So divorce if that's what you need to do. The kids will be fine as long as you continue to be loving parents who they know they can always depend on. And if you're not that, then yeah, expect them to have issues -- whether you stay married or not.
I guess I'm just saying don't martyr yourself in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children. If you decide to end it, and do so while ensuring your kids know you both love them and will always be there for them, odds are your kids are going to be a-okay. Yeah, they might shed a few tears initially and they'll definitely be an adjustment period, but they'll hardly be ruined for life (unless you totally screw it up by being petty and immature and putting them in the middle, in which case you're probably totally screwing them up anyway).
Would it have been nice if my parents had gotten along and stayed together and we had all been one big, happy family? Of course. But that would also by definition mean that my parents would have been two entirely different people than who they actually were. And as an adult who can look back and remember their dysfunctional, miserable dynamic, I would never wish it on either of them for my sake.
Maybe that's a key to growing up: the realization that your parents are people outside of just being your parents. They have whole entire emotional inner lives that we are pretty selfishly unaware of as kids (and that's the way it should be). If my parents had waited to split when us kids had all left the nest, I'd like to think I'd tow the line of, "You let yourself be miserable for 20 years for us? Jeeze guys, we would have understood!"
Bottom line, your kids love you, and if they grow up to be empathetic people capable of complex thought, they'll understand. And to be totally honest, there were plenty of times when my parents did put us in the middle and did make us little mediators and did do a lot of the things that all those fancy divorce books now say not to do, but guess what? As an adult, I still understand! They were hurting. They had never ended a marriage before. They were just trying their best. And I still love them (and you can be sure I still call home to tell them when their favorite movies are on TV or when I'm wondering if Raid is poisonous to cats).
So divorce if that's what you need to do. The kids will be fine as long as you continue to be loving parents who they know they can always depend on. And if you're not that, then yeah, expect them to have issues -- whether you stay married or not.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150624 - Texas grand jury reform welcome
Texas grand jury reform welcome June 23, 2015 San Antonio Express-News 2015-06-23
(Published) - Ogden v. PNC Bank, N.A., Adversary Proceeding No. 13-01054 EEB
Chapter 13 debtor filed a complaint against her mortgage lender, alleging the bank violated the automatic stay, her chapter 13 plan, the confirmation order and Fed. R. Bankr. P. 3002.1, by misapplying her postpetition mortgage payments and raising the amount of her postpetition payments to recover prepetition arrears. The Court found the bank had created confusion in its system of accounting, which essentially keeps two sets of books to reflect postpetition mortgage payments—one for bankruptcy purposes and one for non-bankruptcy purposes. The non-bankruptcy accounting tracks all amounts contractually due under debtor's loan, including late fees, in the event that debtor fails to complete her chapter 13 plan. The bank failed to clearly communicate this fact to the Debtor. However, because the bank had not sought to collect contractually-due late fees in bankruptcy, the Court found no violation of the Code attributable to this accounting system. The Court noted that the Code only provides for limited court oversight of mortgage lenders during the term of a chapter 13 plan, and that debtor may have remedies under RESPA or, at the conclusion of her plan, under 11 U.S.C. § 524(i), if the bank fails to appropriately account for her payments.
The Roller Coaster of Life After Divorce
Somwhere in the past year and a half, I've become the Resident Expert on how to navigate a divorce. Mind you, I haven't been divorced that long. But I've been like a rocket ship when it comes to taking off and powering through it with momentum... or at least that is what I'm being told.
I've had dozens of friends tell me how amazingly strong they think I've been. Or how inspired they are by how much I've grown, healed and transcended what was a pretty traumatic experience. I am convinced that God or the Universe knows I need this constant validation more than anything because without it I would fall onto the floor like a five-year-old and start crying out my truth, "I'M A FRAUD. IT HURTS! GOD IT HURTS, AND IT'S STILL HARD!"
Because you know what... it hurts and it's still hard.
My friends who are contemplating divorce are scared. And they are looking to me to reassure them that it gets better. That the hurt will go away. That the heartache of not being with your children seven days a week will lessen. That you will somehow survive financially when you are accustomed to living on two incomes, or that it won't feel so lonely laying in bed at night with nobody to hold you. And it does. Little by little, it all gets easier and you do start to find peace and happiness and exciting possibilities again. You rediscover things you're passionate about. You reinvent yourself. You find an unbelievable drive and commitment to accomplishing dreams you put on the back burner when you were married.
And you also come crashing back down when the tiniest thing triggers the unhealed wounds that were created from the trauma of what you've been through.
I'm in it now, so I've had to dig deep to get myself through the crash and remind myself that this is an ongoing process, not a race with a finish line. Most of these words of wisdom have come from my closet friends in the past few days, so I want to acknowledge every one of them for their unwavering commitment to my sanity.
1) GOING THROUGH THE HIGHS AND THE LOWS IS A GIFT. Why? Because you are forced to examine. And examine. And examine. You are constantly having to examine yourself and your "stuff." It's the most rewarding and exhausting thing you will ever do next to raising children.
2) YOU LEARN TO SURRENDER . I don't do this well. And it's hurting me. But you learn. You learn to surrender to what is. You learn to surrender to what you can't control. You learn to surrender to the feelings you are experiencing and let them ride over you and pass. And they do pass.
3) DONT MAKE THINGS ABOUT YOU. It's almost never about YOU. Another person's judgement or decision to behave in ways that are sometimes disappointing and hurtful is never your fault as much as you'd like to take it on. It's my specialty. And it makes things ridiculously painful. Just don't do it.
4) BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. I didn't say I was patient with myself. I'm telling YOU, the reader, to be patient with yourself. I'll watch you and hopefully get inspired and maybe learn a thing or two. Because when you fall into a pit of despair over every little setback, it will set you back even further. Trust me, I have a lot of experience.
5) DON'T FEAR BEING VULNERABLE. You will feel vulnerable a lot and it can be scary to show that to people. When you start dating someone you actually feel something for, YOU WILL WANT TO RUN. You will feel so scared of getting hurt again, every cell in your body will scream "Run! It's easier to just run!" Don't. Try to have courage and invest in people truly deserving of you. It can be hard to discern who is truly deserving of your heart so take your time, but take the risk. Finding love again is worth it.
6) YOU WILL COME THROUGH THIS WITH NEW PERSPECTIVE. And it's the perspective and the learning that will give you the strength to deal with these moments with increasing ease and grace.
I've had dozens of friends tell me how amazingly strong they think I've been. Or how inspired they are by how much I've grown, healed and transcended what was a pretty traumatic experience. I am convinced that God or the Universe knows I need this constant validation more than anything because without it I would fall onto the floor like a five-year-old and start crying out my truth, "I'M A FRAUD. IT HURTS! GOD IT HURTS, AND IT'S STILL HARD!"
Because you know what... it hurts and it's still hard.
My friends who are contemplating divorce are scared. And they are looking to me to reassure them that it gets better. That the hurt will go away. That the heartache of not being with your children seven days a week will lessen. That you will somehow survive financially when you are accustomed to living on two incomes, or that it won't feel so lonely laying in bed at night with nobody to hold you. And it does. Little by little, it all gets easier and you do start to find peace and happiness and exciting possibilities again. You rediscover things you're passionate about. You reinvent yourself. You find an unbelievable drive and commitment to accomplishing dreams you put on the back burner when you were married.
And you also come crashing back down when the tiniest thing triggers the unhealed wounds that were created from the trauma of what you've been through.
I'm in it now, so I've had to dig deep to get myself through the crash and remind myself that this is an ongoing process, not a race with a finish line. Most of these words of wisdom have come from my closet friends in the past few days, so I want to acknowledge every one of them for their unwavering commitment to my sanity.
1) GOING THROUGH THE HIGHS AND THE LOWS IS A GIFT. Why? Because you are forced to examine. And examine. And examine. You are constantly having to examine yourself and your "stuff." It's the most rewarding and exhausting thing you will ever do next to raising children.
2) YOU LEARN TO SURRENDER . I don't do this well. And it's hurting me. But you learn. You learn to surrender to what is. You learn to surrender to what you can't control. You learn to surrender to the feelings you are experiencing and let them ride over you and pass. And they do pass.
3) DONT MAKE THINGS ABOUT YOU. It's almost never about YOU. Another person's judgement or decision to behave in ways that are sometimes disappointing and hurtful is never your fault as much as you'd like to take it on. It's my specialty. And it makes things ridiculously painful. Just don't do it.
4) BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. I didn't say I was patient with myself. I'm telling YOU, the reader, to be patient with yourself. I'll watch you and hopefully get inspired and maybe learn a thing or two. Because when you fall into a pit of despair over every little setback, it will set you back even further. Trust me, I have a lot of experience.
5) DON'T FEAR BEING VULNERABLE. You will feel vulnerable a lot and it can be scary to show that to people. When you start dating someone you actually feel something for, YOU WILL WANT TO RUN. You will feel so scared of getting hurt again, every cell in your body will scream "Run! It's easier to just run!" Don't. Try to have courage and invest in people truly deserving of you. It can be hard to discern who is truly deserving of your heart so take your time, but take the risk. Finding love again is worth it.
6) YOU WILL COME THROUGH THIS WITH NEW PERSPECTIVE. And it's the perspective and the learning that will give you the strength to deal with these moments with increasing ease and grace.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150624 - Underfunding Public Defenders Can Lead To Sixth Amendment Violations
Underfunding Public Defenders Can Lead To Sixth Amendment Violations June 23, 2015 by Sam Wright, Above The Law 2015-06-23
(Unpublished) - In re Salvatore Trobiano, Jr., and Michelle Lee Trobiano, Bankr. Case No. 14-24635 (Bankr. D. Colo. Jun. 23, 2015)(Whether, as a condition of confirmation of their Chapter 13 plan, Debtors, one of whom is currently unemployed but who might obtain a job during the plan, are required pursuant to 11 U.S.C. § 1325(b)(1)(B) and Hamilton v. Lanning, 560 U.S. 505 (2010), to commit in their plan to turnover to the Chapter 13 Trustee annually one-third of their gross income in excess of their current gross annual income.)
After the Debtors filed their bankruptcy case, the Debtor-husband lost his job. The Debtors filed amended schedules I and J, reflecting decreased income and expenses associated with the job loss. They also filed an amended Chapter 13 plan, in which they addressed the job loss by including the following provision: "Within 30 days of Debtor-husband obtaining employment, Debtors shall amend Schedule I and modify their plan, as necessary, to pay all disposable income into the plan."
The Chapter 13 Trustee objected to the Debtors' plan on the ground that the "Debtors may not be committing all of [their] projected disposable income to plan payments" as required under 11 U.S.C. § 1325(b)(1)(B). The Trustee demanded that the Debtors include a plan provision that states: "Debtors will turn over the tax returns and year-end pay advices for every year of the plan. Debtors will turnover 1/3 of gross income in excess of $65,652 during the duration of the plan as well as income reporting commencing 2/1/16." The Debtors would not agree to do so.
The Court held that because the circumstances of the Debtor-husband's prospective employment and the effect thereof on the Debtors' income and expenses were unknown at the time of confirmation, the forward-looking approach endorsed by the United States Supreme Court in Hamilton v. Lanning, 560 U.S. 505 (2010) did not compel the inclusion of a mechanical income turnover provision as proposed by the Trustee. Instead, the Debtors' proposed provision requiring them to "amend Schedule I and modify their plan, as necessary, to pay all disposable income into the plan" was sufficient to ensure that all projected disposable income was committed to plan payments consistent with 11 U.S.C. § 1325. The Court held, however, that because the Trustee would have the burden of monitoring the Debtors' compliance with their plan, including the provision requiring them "modify their plan, as necessary," the Debtors could be required to amend their plan to include a provision mandating that they turnover tax returns and year-end pay advices on an annual basis. The Court noted that requiring turnover of such information is consistent with and reaffirms 11 U.S.C. § 521(f)(4)(B) and (g)(2), which requires that Chapter 13 debtors, on request of the Court, the United States Trustee, or any party in interest, file with the Court an annual statement of income and expenditures, including the sources of income to the debtors, and annual tax returns.
The Chapter 13 Trustee objected to the Debtors' plan on the ground that the "Debtors may not be committing all of [their] projected disposable income to plan payments" as required under 11 U.S.C. § 1325(b)(1)(B). The Trustee demanded that the Debtors include a plan provision that states: "Debtors will turn over the tax returns and year-end pay advices for every year of the plan. Debtors will turnover 1/3 of gross income in excess of $65,652 during the duration of the plan as well as income reporting commencing 2/1/16." The Debtors would not agree to do so.
The Court held that because the circumstances of the Debtor-husband's prospective employment and the effect thereof on the Debtors' income and expenses were unknown at the time of confirmation, the forward-looking approach endorsed by the United States Supreme Court in Hamilton v. Lanning, 560 U.S. 505 (2010) did not compel the inclusion of a mechanical income turnover provision as proposed by the Trustee. Instead, the Debtors' proposed provision requiring them to "amend Schedule I and modify their plan, as necessary, to pay all disposable income into the plan" was sufficient to ensure that all projected disposable income was committed to plan payments consistent with 11 U.S.C. § 1325. The Court held, however, that because the Trustee would have the burden of monitoring the Debtors' compliance with their plan, including the provision requiring them "modify their plan, as necessary," the Debtors could be required to amend their plan to include a provision mandating that they turnover tax returns and year-end pay advices on an annual basis. The Court noted that requiring turnover of such information is consistent with and reaffirms 11 U.S.C. § 521(f)(4)(B) and (g)(2), which requires that Chapter 13 debtors, on request of the Court, the United States Trustee, or any party in interest, file with the Court an annual statement of income and expenditures, including the sources of income to the debtors, and annual tax returns.
A Legal Overview of Child Custody and Support in Divorce Cases
This comment provides a very brief and incomplete educational overview of the law of child custody and support. Always consult an experienced attorney, family therapist, and advocacy professional, as appropriate, in all family law matters.
The legal concept of paternity is foundational for child support requirements and may additionally be important in inheritance situations. Paternity may be a matter of biological parentage, adoption, or created by a signed "acknowledgment of paternity" or a judicial proceeding. A voluntarily signed acknowledgment of paternity typically may be rescinded (cancelled) for only 60 days after the date of signing and subsequently only challenged in court on the basis of fraud, duress, or material mistake of fact. Some statutes contain a five year statute of limitations (time period in which to sue) to challenge or attempt to overturn the acknowledgment. Disestablishing paternity is frequently difficult. The details of paternity litigation, as well as the legal status of frozen eggs and related reproductive technologies, are beyond the scope of this brief commentary.
The overarching legal standard in situations involving children is "the best interest of the child." This standard invites a broad factual inquiry. Under this umbrella, couples in child custody contests present negative evidence concerning each others conduct. Private investigators and "self-help" investigations are not uncommon. A particularly despicable tactic is a false allegation of sexual abuse or domestic violence. Conduct that endangers the physical or emotional well-being of the child may impact not only custody and visitation but may be sufficiently severe to result in the termination of parental rights altogether. Termination of parental rights might result from, for example in an incomplete list, child abuse and neglect, child sexual abuse, or parental illegal drug use, alcoholism, or other incapacity.
To reduce both emotional tensions and the impact of this public airing of grievances on the children, many states require some form of mandatory confidential mediation in an attempt to reach a recommended out-of-court resolution of child custody issues. Be prepared to encounter a variety of negotiation tactics and blustering. Additionally, statutes may require a social study or other evaluation before a final custody order is entered. A guardian ad litem report may be requested, typically in the broad discretion of the judge. It is tragic when parents fight each other through their children.
Another sometimes unfortunate occurrence is when the custodial parent lies to the child about the other parent, producing what is called "parental alienation syndrome." In a milder form, parents may utilize gifts and privileges in an attempt to unfairly influence the children. Try to avoid doing this as children need to love and respect both parents as much as is possible under the circumstances. Children above a specified age (often 12) are allowed a voice in custody matters. Parental conduct that attempts to alienate the child from other family members has no easy legal or psychological resolution.
Grandparents and other third parties may seek custody or visitation rights. A preliminary question is if a state statute allows these individuals "standing" to be heard in court. The U.S. Supreme Court in 2000 in a splintered decision held that a Washington state statute that allowed "any person" to petition for visitation was too broad (Troxel v. Granville). The plurality noted that "the liberty interest at issue in this case - the interest of parents in the care, custody, and control of their children - is perhaps the oldest of the fundamental liberty interests recognized by this Court." Consequently, state courts often narrowly interpret "standing" questions, particularly to the detriment of step-grandparents and same-sex or unmarried partners. An unfortunate consequence is that a non-parent may be caring for a child that parents are unable or unwilling to care for, but the non-parent has limited ability to make health care or other decisions concerning the child. An experienced attorney must review the legislation and judicial decisions of a particular jurisdiction.
Many states follow a child support formula based upon the income of both parents, called the income shares model. Some look at a percentage of only the support obligated parent's income and expenses. The exact model varies and must be researched for a given state. The payment amount is also subject to any special needs of the child. Child support might be deducted directly from a paycheck and paid to a designated administrator. This creates a more reliable record of payments than direct payments to a parent. In an attempt to avoid support obligations, a non-compliant parent may frequently change jobs and move out-of-state. There is a federal Parent Locator Service. All states have enacted some version of the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act.
Collection of unpaid child support might be accomplished, in an incomplete list, through wage garnishment (money deducted from a paycheck), a writ of execution (seizing property such as a bank account), civil and criminal contempt of court, and obtaining IRS tax refunds under the Federal Income Tax Refund Offset Program, among other methods. Driver's licenses and occupational and professional licenses might be subject to suspension due to unpaid child support. Utilize an experienced attorney in these situations.
In some situations child support may extend past age 18 for a special-needs child or to provide for college education. Disobedience of custody, visitation, and child support orders may be punished by contempt of court proceedings. Be cautious about the effectiveness and enforceability of promises to pay money in the future. Better to create by court order a present trust fund administered by a reputable financial institution for a future expense such as a college education. State agencies that provide aid to families with dependent children may seek to collect unpaid child support and have a variety of state and federal tools to accomplish this. Consult with the appropriate office. Child support payments are not tax deductible; however, in the absence of an agreement, the parent that pays more than 50% of the child's actual support may be able to claim the child as a dependent on her or his income tax return.
Visitation rights are determined under the best interest of the child standard and might be subject to supervision in the discretion of the judge. In the interest of harmony and the child's well-being, couples may craft creative joint custody agreements subject to court approval. States are starting to enact model legislation related to military parents, the Uniform Deployed Parents Custody and Visitation Act
.
Courts have broad authority to issue temporary and permanent orders and modifications of previous orders regarding custody, visitation, and support. The typical requirement for a modification is a showing in court of significantly changed circumstances. Beware of oral informal understandings not approved or ordered by a court. These practices are frequently not legally enforceable and additionally may form the basis for a modification request in court. Conventional wisdom suggests that one take the legal and moral high ground and not engage in self-help actions. Document all violations of court orders and report them to your attorney or to the court. Do not allow intimidation or bullying; however, always be aware of the emotional state of the other person and attempt to objectively assess the likelihood of violent or rash actions. As necessary and without hesitation, involve the police or your attorney. Consider filing a motion for contempt of court for a continual violation of court orders. You may be able to obtain attorney's fees and court costs as part of a court's finding of contempt. Should a parent who is subject to a child support order file for bankruptcy, the bankruptcy court has no jurisdiction to stop the collection of child support or modify the support order.
Parental and third-party kidnapping is addressed by statutes such as the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act, Uniform Child Abduction Prevention Act, International Child Abduction Remedies Act, International Parental Kidnapping Act, and a variety of treaties under the Hague Convention. Experienced private investigators and legal professionals are required in these situations. There is a Passport Denial Program in some circumstances involving unpaid child support. Many tragic situations have no easy resolution but an experienced advocacy organization may be helpful.
This comment provides as very brief and incomplete educational overview of a complex topic and is not intended to provide legal advice. Always consult experienced legal, family therapy, and advocacy professionals, as appropriate, in specific situations.
The legal concept of paternity is foundational for child support requirements and may additionally be important in inheritance situations. Paternity may be a matter of biological parentage, adoption, or created by a signed "acknowledgment of paternity" or a judicial proceeding. A voluntarily signed acknowledgment of paternity typically may be rescinded (cancelled) for only 60 days after the date of signing and subsequently only challenged in court on the basis of fraud, duress, or material mistake of fact. Some statutes contain a five year statute of limitations (time period in which to sue) to challenge or attempt to overturn the acknowledgment. Disestablishing paternity is frequently difficult. The details of paternity litigation, as well as the legal status of frozen eggs and related reproductive technologies, are beyond the scope of this brief commentary.
The overarching legal standard in situations involving children is "the best interest of the child." This standard invites a broad factual inquiry. Under this umbrella, couples in child custody contests present negative evidence concerning each others conduct. Private investigators and "self-help" investigations are not uncommon. A particularly despicable tactic is a false allegation of sexual abuse or domestic violence. Conduct that endangers the physical or emotional well-being of the child may impact not only custody and visitation but may be sufficiently severe to result in the termination of parental rights altogether. Termination of parental rights might result from, for example in an incomplete list, child abuse and neglect, child sexual abuse, or parental illegal drug use, alcoholism, or other incapacity.
To reduce both emotional tensions and the impact of this public airing of grievances on the children, many states require some form of mandatory confidential mediation in an attempt to reach a recommended out-of-court resolution of child custody issues. Be prepared to encounter a variety of negotiation tactics and blustering. Additionally, statutes may require a social study or other evaluation before a final custody order is entered. A guardian ad litem report may be requested, typically in the broad discretion of the judge. It is tragic when parents fight each other through their children.
Another sometimes unfortunate occurrence is when the custodial parent lies to the child about the other parent, producing what is called "parental alienation syndrome." In a milder form, parents may utilize gifts and privileges in an attempt to unfairly influence the children. Try to avoid doing this as children need to love and respect both parents as much as is possible under the circumstances. Children above a specified age (often 12) are allowed a voice in custody matters. Parental conduct that attempts to alienate the child from other family members has no easy legal or psychological resolution.
Grandparents and other third parties may seek custody or visitation rights. A preliminary question is if a state statute allows these individuals "standing" to be heard in court. The U.S. Supreme Court in 2000 in a splintered decision held that a Washington state statute that allowed "any person" to petition for visitation was too broad (Troxel v. Granville). The plurality noted that "the liberty interest at issue in this case - the interest of parents in the care, custody, and control of their children - is perhaps the oldest of the fundamental liberty interests recognized by this Court." Consequently, state courts often narrowly interpret "standing" questions, particularly to the detriment of step-grandparents and same-sex or unmarried partners. An unfortunate consequence is that a non-parent may be caring for a child that parents are unable or unwilling to care for, but the non-parent has limited ability to make health care or other decisions concerning the child. An experienced attorney must review the legislation and judicial decisions of a particular jurisdiction.
Many states follow a child support formula based upon the income of both parents, called the income shares model. Some look at a percentage of only the support obligated parent's income and expenses. The exact model varies and must be researched for a given state. The payment amount is also subject to any special needs of the child. Child support might be deducted directly from a paycheck and paid to a designated administrator. This creates a more reliable record of payments than direct payments to a parent. In an attempt to avoid support obligations, a non-compliant parent may frequently change jobs and move out-of-state. There is a federal Parent Locator Service. All states have enacted some version of the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act.
Collection of unpaid child support might be accomplished, in an incomplete list, through wage garnishment (money deducted from a paycheck), a writ of execution (seizing property such as a bank account), civil and criminal contempt of court, and obtaining IRS tax refunds under the Federal Income Tax Refund Offset Program, among other methods. Driver's licenses and occupational and professional licenses might be subject to suspension due to unpaid child support. Utilize an experienced attorney in these situations.
In some situations child support may extend past age 18 for a special-needs child or to provide for college education. Disobedience of custody, visitation, and child support orders may be punished by contempt of court proceedings. Be cautious about the effectiveness and enforceability of promises to pay money in the future. Better to create by court order a present trust fund administered by a reputable financial institution for a future expense such as a college education. State agencies that provide aid to families with dependent children may seek to collect unpaid child support and have a variety of state and federal tools to accomplish this. Consult with the appropriate office. Child support payments are not tax deductible; however, in the absence of an agreement, the parent that pays more than 50% of the child's actual support may be able to claim the child as a dependent on her or his income tax return.
Visitation rights are determined under the best interest of the child standard and might be subject to supervision in the discretion of the judge. In the interest of harmony and the child's well-being, couples may craft creative joint custody agreements subject to court approval. States are starting to enact model legislation related to military parents, the Uniform Deployed Parents Custody and Visitation Act
.
Courts have broad authority to issue temporary and permanent orders and modifications of previous orders regarding custody, visitation, and support. The typical requirement for a modification is a showing in court of significantly changed circumstances. Beware of oral informal understandings not approved or ordered by a court. These practices are frequently not legally enforceable and additionally may form the basis for a modification request in court. Conventional wisdom suggests that one take the legal and moral high ground and not engage in self-help actions. Document all violations of court orders and report them to your attorney or to the court. Do not allow intimidation or bullying; however, always be aware of the emotional state of the other person and attempt to objectively assess the likelihood of violent or rash actions. As necessary and without hesitation, involve the police or your attorney. Consider filing a motion for contempt of court for a continual violation of court orders. You may be able to obtain attorney's fees and court costs as part of a court's finding of contempt. Should a parent who is subject to a child support order file for bankruptcy, the bankruptcy court has no jurisdiction to stop the collection of child support or modify the support order.
Parental and third-party kidnapping is addressed by statutes such as the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act, Uniform Child Abduction Prevention Act, International Child Abduction Remedies Act, International Parental Kidnapping Act, and a variety of treaties under the Hague Convention. Experienced private investigators and legal professionals are required in these situations. There is a Passport Denial Program in some circumstances involving unpaid child support. Many tragic situations have no easy resolution but an experienced advocacy organization may be helpful.
This comment provides as very brief and incomplete educational overview of a complex topic and is not intended to provide legal advice. Always consult experienced legal, family therapy, and advocacy professionals, as appropriate, in specific situations.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150624 - Faith Groups, Law Enforcement Jump into Death Penalty Debate
Faith Groups, Law Enforcement Jump into Death Penalty Debate June 23, 2015 Associated Press 2015-06-23
(Unpublished) - In re Karen Lynne Tollefson, No.13-24681 TBM (Bankr. D. Colo. May 13, 2015) (Fed. R. Bankr. P. 7026, 7034 and 9014; discovery of opposing party's attorney's billing records in contested fee application litigation).
In a dismissed Chapter 11 case, the Court retained jurisdiction to consider the reasonableness of the debtor's attorneys' fees. A significant creditor in the case objected to the amount of the fees charged by applicant as unreasonable. In preparation for trial and during the course of discovery, the fee applicant sought discovery of the objecting creditor's billing records and other information in connection with the debtor's case and related cases. The matter came before the Court on the applicant's motion to compel the opposing party's attorney to produce billing records and other information.
After hearing argument, the Court issued its order denying the applicant's motion to compel, in part, on the grounds that the billing records of the opposing party were neither relevant nor within the proper subject of discovery under Fed. R. Bankr. P. 7026, 7034 and 9014. The Court, however, permitted the other limited discovery sought.
After hearing argument, the Court issued its order denying the applicant's motion to compel, in part, on the grounds that the billing records of the opposing party were neither relevant nor within the proper subject of discovery under Fed. R. Bankr. P. 7026, 7034 and 9014. The Court, however, permitted the other limited discovery sought.
6 Ways To Make Co-Parenting Less Stressful
The goal of co-parenting after divorce is simple: Like any other parent, you want to ensure that your kids are happy, healthy and set up for success in their future endeavors.
But when it's a constant struggle to see eye to eye with your ex (hey, you're divorced for reason) keeping that goal in mind is sometimes easier said than done. To help you stay on track, we asked HuffPost Divorce bloggers to share their best tips for reducing stress while co-parenting. See what they had to say below:
1. Try to think of your ex as a business partner.
The marriage may not have worked out but you can still be great parenting partners. Endeavor to put the past behind you and try to see your ex as your kids' father or mother rather than your ex-spouse. Reminding yourself that your relationship is solely about the kids will do a world of good, said Valerie DeLoach, a mom of two.
"The biggest solution for me has been treating my relationship with my ex-husband as a business partnership," she explained. "We share the same important goal of raising our children successfully, so we have to remove emotions, work together and respect each other's decisions. It can sometimes feel impossible but you just have to stay focused on your shared goal."
2. Keep track of expenses.
Want to avoid having to tell your ex he owes you money for summer camp? To sidestep uncomfortable discussions about money later down the road, blogger Shelley Wetton suggests creating a shared spreadsheet to keep track of expenses.
"My ex and I both remarried. In our households, the moms are in charge so one of us maintains an Excel spreadsheet delineating the costs for different items -- school clothes, sports fees, yearbook pictures," she said. "It's made our lives much easier and peaceful."
3. If you can't bear to talk to your ex face to face, find other ways to communicate.
We can't all be Gwyneth and Chris: If you went through a contentious divorce, the thought of having to co-parent with your ex may leave a bad taste in your mouth. To keep the lines of communication open for your kids' sake, divorced mom Karen McMahon recommends looking into online resources or mobile co-parenting apps.
"After our divorce, my ex and I needed the ability to coordinate the children's activities, playmates and expenses without constant communication," she explained "We choose to work with cofamilies.com, a free, easy to use site that enabled us to share all necessary information -- custody and activity schedules, doctor and friends' names and numbers -- without personal interactions that would cause arguments."
4. Be flexible with the kids' time.
It's not easy to hear your kids say they want to spend Christmas with dad -- or that they'd rather head to dinner with mom when it's technically your weekend. As painful as it may be, you have to make your peace with it, said Terry Gaspard, a licensed therapist and the author of Daughters of Divorce.
"You have to be flexible. This is especially true when they're teenagers since they never seem to be home anyway," she said. "Don’t let missing them prevent you from seeing the whole picture. As I've learned firsthand, if you model flexibility and acceptance, they’ll be more likely to seek you out when they have a problem or need advice. On the other hand, don't be afraid to let them know that you expect them to be home for some meals and special events. After all, you're their parent!"
5. Keep your kids' teachers informed.
Your family tree likely got a lot more complicated after divorce, especially if you or your ex remarried. The makeup of your blended family may make perfect sense to you, but it's probably a lot harder for your kids' teachers, sport coaches and music instructors to wrap their heads around. Do your best to fill them in, said Wetton.
"We take the time to ensure those nearest to our children understand our family dynamic," she said. "We've found drawing a diagram to show how our family works is helpful since there are two boys and three sets of parents in our family. That said, it's still not uncommon for me to receive a phone call for my son's stepbrother. I have to explain that I'm not his mom -- though I'd happily pick him up from school if he was sick and his parents weren't reachable!"
6. Make sure your kids have all the essentials they need at both houses.
In the early days of her divorce, author Ann marie Houghtailing said figuring out where her son had left his clothes became a major stressor for her family.
"My ex-husband would inevitably forget my kid's good jackets or shoes or swimming trunks. It was a constant frustration," she explained. "I had to call to remind him and he would forget anyway. All of the lost and misplaced stuff caused tension and more resentment until one day I decided to buy cheaper clothes to send with him with no expectation of their ever being returned."
These days, Houghtailing and her ex are concentrating on what matters: "Sweatshirts and pajamas are no longer on the list of things to be angry about. Now we focus on what's important -- our children."
Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150624 - Ash Carter: Not confident Gitmo can be closed by end of Obama's presidency
Ash Carter: Not confident Gitmo can be closed by end of Obama's presidency June 23, 2015 by Margaret Brennan, CBS News 2015-06-23
(Unpublished) - In re Samuel Jesse Christian Morreale, No. 13-27310 TBM (Bankr. D. Colo. May 28, 2015) (Chapter 7 debtor's standing to challenge the Chapter 7 trustee's administration of the case).
The Chapter 7 debtor objected to the Chapter 7 trustee's efforts to sell property of the estate. To shore up his standing, the debtor acquired the claim of a pre-petition, unsecured creditor. The trustee objected to the debtor's standing and to the validity of the claim the debtor had acquired. The Court conducted an evidentiary hearing to determine: (1) whether the debtor held a "pecuniary interest" sufficient for purpose of standing, particularly whether there was a "reasonable possibility of a surplus" in which the debtor might ultimately share (the standard invoked for determining standing to appeal adopted by the Tenth Circuit in Co-op Mining Co. v. Aquila, Inc. (In re Matter of C.W. Mining Co.), 636 F.3d 1257, 1260 (10th Cir. 2011) ); and (2) the validity of the claim the debtor had acquired.
The Court concluded upon the facts of the case that: (1) there was not a reasonable possibility of a surplus in which the debtor might participate; and (2) the claim upon which the debtor relied for his standing was not a valid claim against debtor's estate. Thus, the Court held the debtor did not have standing to challenge the efforts of the trustee to marshal and liquidate the assets of debtor's estate. Among the legal conclusions reached, the Court held that a debtor cannot obtain standing by bringing a claim against himself.
The Court concluded upon the facts of the case that: (1) there was not a reasonable possibility of a surplus in which the debtor might participate; and (2) the claim upon which the debtor relied for his standing was not a valid claim against debtor's estate. Thus, the Court held the debtor did not have standing to challenge the efforts of the trustee to marshal and liquidate the assets of debtor's estate. Among the legal conclusions reached, the Court held that a debtor cannot obtain standing by bringing a claim against himself.
This App Will Break Up With Someone For You (If You're A Terrible Person)
Breaking up is hard to do -- but is it really so difficult that you need an app to do it for you?
Styled off Tinder, a new app called Binder will send a snarky text and voicemail to your partner to break the news that you're officially donezo. It's like sending an insensitive breakup text on your own... but 100 times lazier.
To begin, Binder asks you to choose the gender of the dumpee and plug in their name and number. Next, you select your breakup excuse of choice. ("It's like I'm living in some sort of unwakeable nightmare" is a nice touch.):
From there, simply swipe right a la Tinder and your poor, unsuspecting S.O. will receive this text from Binder:
The pre-recorded voice message sent doesn't sugarcoat things, either:
"Your boyfriend doesn't love you anymore, he hates your face, he thinks you're a bore," a heavily accented Scotsman sings. "In fact he is sick in his mouth whenever he sees you around." Charming.
Binder -- available now on iOS and Android -- was created for Tennent's Lager, a Scottish beer brand that claims to have promoted the app just "for laughs."
In other words, if you actually use this app to dump someone, you're not just incredibly lazy, you're also likely a terrible human being.
Styled off Tinder, a new app called Binder will send a snarky text and voicemail to your partner to break the news that you're officially donezo. It's like sending an insensitive breakup text on your own... but 100 times lazier.
To begin, Binder asks you to choose the gender of the dumpee and plug in their name and number. Next, you select your breakup excuse of choice. ("It's like I'm living in some sort of unwakeable nightmare" is a nice touch.):
From there, simply swipe right a la Tinder and your poor, unsuspecting S.O. will receive this text from Binder:
The pre-recorded voice message sent doesn't sugarcoat things, either:
"Your boyfriend doesn't love you anymore, he hates your face, he thinks you're a bore," a heavily accented Scotsman sings. "In fact he is sick in his mouth whenever he sees you around." Charming.
Binder -- available now on iOS and Android -- was created for Tennent's Lager, a Scottish beer brand that claims to have promoted the app just "for laughs."
In other words, if you actually use this app to dump someone, you're not just incredibly lazy, you're also likely a terrible human being.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150624 - Google eavesdropping tool installed on computers without permission
Google eavesdropping tool installed on computers without permission June 23, 2015 by Samuel Gibbs, The Guardian 2015-06-23
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Trust Us, You Don't Want Your Ex To Take A Lie Detector Test
Sometimes old relationships are best left in the past.
Your former partner is "former" for a reason, right?
If you need more convincing, Elite Daily hooked ex-lovers up to a lie detector to get the post-mortem lowdown on what went wrong.
Among the uncomfortable questions asked: Do you think we had bad sex? How many people have you slept with since me?
Oh honey, you don't want to know.
Your former partner is "former" for a reason, right?
If you need more convincing, Elite Daily hooked ex-lovers up to a lie detector to get the post-mortem lowdown on what went wrong.
Among the uncomfortable questions asked: Do you think we had bad sex? How many people have you slept with since me?
Oh honey, you don't want to know.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Free Legal Aid for Undocumented UC Students
Are you eligible for DACA? Do you know how to apply? Are you afraid to study abroad because you're undocumented? Undocumented students of the University of California system can now get their legal immigration questions answered for free....
Have you hired an innovation intern?
Dan Elliott of Michigan State University College of Law’s ReInvent Law Laboratory is going to Australia for August. He is not going there for vacation—it…
20150623 - Letters from Death Row: The Biology of Trauma
Letters from Death Row: The Biology of Trauma June 22, 2015 by Alex Hannaford, Texas Observer 2015-06-22
Should I Use Crowdfunding to Pay for My Attorney?
Attorneys can be expensive, and often the better the attorney, the higher the cost. So what can you do if you can't afford an attorney? Just like most other 21st Century problems, this one can be solved with the...
Top 5 Spousal Support Questions
Spousal support. Alimony. Sure, we’ve heard of it. Most people know that when you get divorced one spouse may have to pay spousal support to the other. However, many people also have a lot of questions regarding how much, how...
20150622 - Death-penalty cases that end in dismissal or acquittal costly, too, study says
Death-penalty cases that end in dismissal or acquittal costly, too, study says June 21, 2015 by Anne Blythe, News & Observer 2015-06-21
12 Things You Don't Understand About Divorce (Until You Get One)
There's nothing easy about getting a divorce -- and the judgment you encounter from otherwise well-meaning friends and family only makes it worse. The truth is, you don't really know what it's like to get a divorce until you're on the brink of getting one.
To help clear things up, we asked HuffPost Divorce readers and bloggers to share the one thing they wish people understood about ending a marriage. Here's what they had to say:
1. Divorce isn't an option until it's the only option.
"I really wish those 'I want my first marriage to be my only marriage' memes would just go away. No one goes into a marriage intending for it to end in divorce. Sometimes you fight like hell and work your tail off to keep your marriage afloat but realize you're doing it alone. It takes two people to make a marriage and family work but if the other person doesn't want to be with you, there's not a whole lot left for you to do. It's hard to 'give up' on your marriage but at some point you realize that there's more to life and you have to do what's best for you and the kids in the long run." -- Brittany Lewis
2. A divorce is never really "final."
3. No two divorces are the same.
"This is because no two people are the same. What this adds up to is an endless combination of ways people choose to heal. Don't judge, don't pooh-pooh and don't minimize the form a person's grief takes. I was in a very controlling relationship and because of that, some of my friends thought that I would be so relieved to get out of that relationship -- or that I would get over it more quickly. The truth is, you can't really know how a person will respond." -- Lisa Miller
4. A marriage can't be saved by one spouse alone.
"I was married in the church I grew up in. I said 'till death do us part' and by the end of my marriage, I was so dead inside, I felt like that should count. I did my best to work through it but I couldn't save it by myself." -- Angela Robbins
5. You feel every emotion under the sun.
6. It is possible to divorce like grown-ups.
"It does not have to end with lawyers and catty, hair-splitting BS. You can be mature and fair and split amicably. Honest." -- Jess Nelson
7. Sorry, but your breakup has nothing on a divorce.
"Divorce isn't like the time you had a really bad breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend. During my divorce, people would say 'oh, yeah, I just broke up with my S.O., too.' Nope. This is 100 times worse. On a soul level, it's so much harder." -- Katie Shirey
8. Divorce feels a bit like a death in the family.
"I wish people would understand that divorce is a death without a funeral. It represents the end of something that started out with so much promise and hope and it’s painful when that hope dies. Sometimes I think that divorce has become so routine that it’s not taken seriously enough and that devalues marriage." -- Wendy Mooney
9. Divorce isn't a dirty word.
10. Ending a marriage is never easy.
"Divorce is anything but the 'easy way out.' Making the decision to get divorced is life-altering. There's nothing easy about it." -- Aly Marie
11. The judgment isn't helpful.
"Don't judge. Because your marriage could fall apart, too. When you hear about someone's divorce, just give them space. Let them talk and don't say, 'Well, if I were you...' Most of the time we just want to share and let our feelings out. Plus, most people have already done a lot of review on why the marriage ended." -- Marcia Pauluk
12. There's a silver-lining to divorce.
Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook.
To help clear things up, we asked HuffPost Divorce readers and bloggers to share the one thing they wish people understood about ending a marriage. Here's what they had to say:
1. Divorce isn't an option until it's the only option.
"I really wish those 'I want my first marriage to be my only marriage' memes would just go away. No one goes into a marriage intending for it to end in divorce. Sometimes you fight like hell and work your tail off to keep your marriage afloat but realize you're doing it alone. It takes two people to make a marriage and family work but if the other person doesn't want to be with you, there's not a whole lot left for you to do. It's hard to 'give up' on your marriage but at some point you realize that there's more to life and you have to do what's best for you and the kids in the long run." -- Brittany Lewis
2. A divorce is never really "final."
3. No two divorces are the same.
"This is because no two people are the same. What this adds up to is an endless combination of ways people choose to heal. Don't judge, don't pooh-pooh and don't minimize the form a person's grief takes. I was in a very controlling relationship and because of that, some of my friends thought that I would be so relieved to get out of that relationship -- or that I would get over it more quickly. The truth is, you can't really know how a person will respond." -- Lisa Miller
4. A marriage can't be saved by one spouse alone.
"I was married in the church I grew up in. I said 'till death do us part' and by the end of my marriage, I was so dead inside, I felt like that should count. I did my best to work through it but I couldn't save it by myself." -- Angela Robbins
5. You feel every emotion under the sun.
6. It is possible to divorce like grown-ups.
"It does not have to end with lawyers and catty, hair-splitting BS. You can be mature and fair and split amicably. Honest." -- Jess Nelson
7. Sorry, but your breakup has nothing on a divorce.
"Divorce isn't like the time you had a really bad breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend. During my divorce, people would say 'oh, yeah, I just broke up with my S.O., too.' Nope. This is 100 times worse. On a soul level, it's so much harder." -- Katie Shirey
8. Divorce feels a bit like a death in the family.
"I wish people would understand that divorce is a death without a funeral. It represents the end of something that started out with so much promise and hope and it’s painful when that hope dies. Sometimes I think that divorce has become so routine that it’s not taken seriously enough and that devalues marriage." -- Wendy Mooney
9. Divorce isn't a dirty word.
10. Ending a marriage is never easy.
"Divorce is anything but the 'easy way out.' Making the decision to get divorced is life-altering. There's nothing easy about it." -- Aly Marie
11. The judgment isn't helpful.
"Don't judge. Because your marriage could fall apart, too. When you hear about someone's divorce, just give them space. Let them talk and don't say, 'Well, if I were you...' Most of the time we just want to share and let our feelings out. Plus, most people have already done a lot of review on why the marriage ended." -- Marcia Pauluk
12. There's a silver-lining to divorce.
Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150622 - Crime-scene DNA errors spark complex legal questions
Crime-scene DNA errors spark complex legal questions June 22, 2015 by Megan Cassidy, Arizona Republic 2015-06-22
What Happens When A Black Man And A White Woman Speak For Each Other
Darius Simpson and Scout Bostley begin to speak into their individual microphones -- but then they stop, switch mics and start talking again.
In the video below from the 2015 College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational, the two Eastern Michigan University students perform their spoken word poem "Lost Voices" and discuss white privilege, reproductive rights, male privilege and dating while black.
But instead of telling stories from their own lives, Bostley and Simpson tell one another's experiences. The result is a powerful commentary on white privilege and male privilege, respectively.
When the two trade their respective privileges they're allowed to say things they normally wouldn't be able to. Bostley says things that Simpson cannot because he is black, while Simpson says things Bostley cannot because she's a woman. Each story holds more weight with this added (normally absent) weight.
Bostley shares Simpson’s experience as a young black man, while Simpson mouths the words. “The first day I realized I was black it was 2000,” she says. "We had just learned about blacks for the first time in second grade, at recess all the white kids chased me into the woods chanting ‘slave.’”
Then Simpson takes over to speak for Bostley. “As a woman, having a boyfriend is a battle," he says. "If 70 percent of us are abused in a lifetime what is the number of men doing it? The answer is not one man running faster than light to complete a mission and that is what leaves me sick.”
They each go on to tell one another's story:
“As a woman I’ve learned to answer to everything except my name," Simpson says, while Bostley mouths his words. "‘Little Lady’ is not said to mean equal, but to make sure I remember my place. I battle between wanting to own my body and accepting there is a one in four chance a man will lay claim to my skin.”
“Do you know what it feels like to be black? To pop-lock your way in and out of hugs -- it is not a problem you want to sympathize," Bostley says, speaking for Simpson. "But to tell me you know my pain is to stab yourself in the leg because you saw me get shot. We have two different wounds, and looking at yours does nothing to heal mine.”
Finally the two switch back and speak for themselves. “I fight so my voice can be heard," Bostley says. "I fight for the voices you silence all in the name of what is right.” Simpson continues, telling the crowd, “I am black and bold and beautiful by nature. Ain’t no income that can change that.”
Watch the full video above to hear the rest of Bostley and Simpson's riveting spoken word.
In the video below from the 2015 College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational, the two Eastern Michigan University students perform their spoken word poem "Lost Voices" and discuss white privilege, reproductive rights, male privilege and dating while black.
But instead of telling stories from their own lives, Bostley and Simpson tell one another's experiences. The result is a powerful commentary on white privilege and male privilege, respectively.
When the two trade their respective privileges they're allowed to say things they normally wouldn't be able to. Bostley says things that Simpson cannot because he is black, while Simpson says things Bostley cannot because she's a woman. Each story holds more weight with this added (normally absent) weight.
Bostley shares Simpson’s experience as a young black man, while Simpson mouths the words. “The first day I realized I was black it was 2000,” she says. "We had just learned about blacks for the first time in second grade, at recess all the white kids chased me into the woods chanting ‘slave.’”
Then Simpson takes over to speak for Bostley. “As a woman, having a boyfriend is a battle," he says. "If 70 percent of us are abused in a lifetime what is the number of men doing it? The answer is not one man running faster than light to complete a mission and that is what leaves me sick.”
They each go on to tell one another's story:
“As a woman I’ve learned to answer to everything except my name," Simpson says, while Bostley mouths his words. "‘Little Lady’ is not said to mean equal, but to make sure I remember my place. I battle between wanting to own my body and accepting there is a one in four chance a man will lay claim to my skin.”
“Do you know what it feels like to be black? To pop-lock your way in and out of hugs -- it is not a problem you want to sympathize," Bostley says, speaking for Simpson. "But to tell me you know my pain is to stab yourself in the leg because you saw me get shot. We have two different wounds, and looking at yours does nothing to heal mine.”
Finally the two switch back and speak for themselves. “I fight so my voice can be heard," Bostley says. "I fight for the voices you silence all in the name of what is right.” Simpson continues, telling the crowd, “I am black and bold and beautiful by nature. Ain’t no income that can change that.”
Watch the full video above to hear the rest of Bostley and Simpson's riveting spoken word.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150622 - For Registered Sex Offenders, An Uphill Civil Rights Battle
For Registered Sex Offenders, An Uphill Civil Rights Battle June 21, 2015 by Chloe Prasinos, NPR 2015-06-21
People Are Sharing The Positive Impact Of Birth Control On Their Lives
Women and men on Twitter are sharing how birth control has made their lives better.
Planned Parenthood started the hashtag #BirthControlHelpedMe on June 18, raising awareness about the difference effective contraception can make in a person's life. The hashtag is part of a campaign, featuring erected billboards in Times Square.
Women shared how using birth control allowed them to complete their life goals, advance in their careers and enjoy their sex lives at times without the fear of unintended pregnancy.
An estimated 1.5 million women use hormonal birth control solely for non-contraceptive benefits. Many women shared how birth control helped with various health problems, for example by regulating their periods and clearing up acne.
Men also weighed in to share how using contraception with their partners allowed them to choose if and when fatherhood was right for them.
The hashtag reminds us that birth control changes so many lives for the better -- and access is worth fighting for.
Read more #BirthControlHelpedMe tweets here.
Planned Parenthood started the hashtag #BirthControlHelpedMe on June 18, raising awareness about the difference effective contraception can make in a person's life. The hashtag is part of a campaign, featuring erected billboards in Times Square.
Attacks on birth control are heating up, so it's time to shout our stories from the rooftops. Fill in the tweet: #BirthControlHelpedMe ____!
— Planned Parenthood (@PPact) June 18, 2015Check out our billboards in Times Square today! Use #BirthControlHelpedMe to tell us your birth control story. pic.twitter.com/YLYN8v7cfL
— Planned Parenthood (@PPFA) June 22, 2015Women shared how using birth control allowed them to complete their life goals, advance in their careers and enjoy their sex lives at times without the fear of unintended pregnancy.
#BirthControlHelpedMe to be able to safely and effectively decide when having children was right for me.
— Mary Agudelo (@moaphers) June 18, 2015My #LARC #BirthControlHelpedMe take control over my reproductive health. I'll have kids when I want them. Not today.
— Rose Niz (@Amandahb426) June 22, 2015#BirthControlHelpedMe (and still does) take control of my body, my choices, and keep my attention focused on my education and future! @PPFA
— Rachel (@racheldyer100) June 22, 2015An estimated 1.5 million women use hormonal birth control solely for non-contraceptive benefits. Many women shared how birth control helped with various health problems, for example by regulating their periods and clearing up acne.
#BirthControlHelpedMe manage crazy periods & have positive sexual experiences w/o becoming a parent when I don't want to be one. #teamiud
— Kate Bernyk (@kbernyk) June 22, 2015#BirthControlHelpedMe get rid of acne, a 5-day amazonian attack on my body, unpredictable periods, and lessened migraines...I could go on
— Krissy Bryde (@BrydeK18) June 18, 2015In my early 20s I suffered from debilitating cramps, mood swings, sickness. It helped me function in normal life. #BirthControlHelpedMe
— aprilhauck (@aprilhauck) June 19, 2015My period was overwhelming as a teen — pain, exhaustion, etc. #BirthControlHelpedMe ease the pain so I didn't have to miss class.
— Ponta (@typicalfeminist) June 22, 2015Men also weighed in to share how using contraception with their partners allowed them to choose if and when fatherhood was right for them.
#BirthControlHelpedMe save my wife's health - I got a vasectomy because pregnancy would've endangered it.
— Dave (@TooOldToBeCool) June 18, 2015#BirthControlHelpedMe plan when to become a dad! I'm so grateful to @PPFA and @PPGreaterOH for helping me plan! https://t.co/vPuZYAXmo0
— Brant Silvers (@brantsilvers) June 22, 2015The hashtag reminds us that birth control changes so many lives for the better -- and access is worth fighting for.
Read more #BirthControlHelpedMe tweets here.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150622 - Criminal justice reform movement emerging in America
Criminal justice reform movement emerging in America June 22, 2015 by Dr. Benjamin Chavis, Atlanta Daily World 2015-06-22
Thoughts You Have When Your Crush Is Suddenly 'In A Relationship'
Who the @#$% is that they're with?
There are few things more traumatizing than stalking around (let's be blunt here) your crush's Facebook page and suddenly seeing that they're "in a relationship." WTF -- it can't be. YOU should be the one who's in a relationship with them.
It's cool, though, their significant other probably won't last. They don't know your crush like you do. They probably don't even have a doll made out of your crush's hair. What is this, amateur hour?
[Uncontrollable sobbing]
There, there. BuzzFeed Yellow has a shoulder for you to cry on while you pick up the pieces.
There are few things more traumatizing than stalking around (let's be blunt here) your crush's Facebook page and suddenly seeing that they're "in a relationship." WTF -- it can't be. YOU should be the one who's in a relationship with them.
It's cool, though, their significant other probably won't last. They don't know your crush like you do. They probably don't even have a doll made out of your crush's hair. What is this, amateur hour?
[Uncontrollable sobbing]
There, there. BuzzFeed Yellow has a shoulder for you to cry on while you pick up the pieces.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
John Oliver Nails Just How Terrifying The Internet Can Be For Women
If you think that harassment isn't much of an issue on the Internet, John Oliver says you can thank your "white penis" for that lovely, non-threatening online experience.
On Sunday's episode of "Last Week Tonight," John Oliver broke down just how how hostile, if not dangerous, the Internet can be -- particularly for women. While most people who've posted something to the Internet are familiar with the hurtful messages that come up in any comment section, Oliver discussed something much more threatening.
In its most insidious form, Oliver reminded viewers that online harassment is defined as "direct threats that can make people fear for their safety.” As he points out, these types of threats are often directed at any woman who “has a thought in her mind and then [vocalizes] it online."
Oliver plays a clip from ABC News in which video game developer Brianna Wu describes her experience with violent threats and harassment online. “When someone posts your address online and they tell you they’re going to murder your whole family, you don’t really feel safe staying at that location,” she says. Wu is one of the many women who received death and rape threats after speaking out about sexism in the video game industry.
Oliver also addresses "revenge porn," another sexist phenomenon created by the Internet. Revenge porn is when someone posts personal, often intimate photos of (usually) a woman online without her consent.
Many revenge porn victims are told that it’s their fault because they shared these images with a person who shouldn't have been trusted or they’re told to “ignore it” because it will go away at some point. As Oliver points out, the Internet doesn't just "go away" -- it's integral to our everyday life.
“For a start, not taking pictures doesn’t always work. Sometimes these photos come from hacked webcams, but regardless of that it doesn’t matter how it happens," Oliver said, responding to the type of victim-blaming that often follows. "Here’s a fun game -- insert any other crime into those same sentences: ‘Listen guys, if you don’t want to get burgled don’t live in a house!’”
Women are very limited in the actions they can take if they become a victim of revenge porn. Forms of it are still legal in most parts of the country and only 23 states have laws against this type of online harassment. Oliver did share some good news including that Reddit and Twitter have finally banned revenge porn and Google recently announced it would remove revenge porn images upon request.
“We’ve allowed things to get a place where women can fear for their lives for something they said online," Oliver says.
We agree with John, it's definitely time for a change.
On Sunday's episode of "Last Week Tonight," John Oliver broke down just how how hostile, if not dangerous, the Internet can be -- particularly for women. While most people who've posted something to the Internet are familiar with the hurtful messages that come up in any comment section, Oliver discussed something much more threatening.
In its most insidious form, Oliver reminded viewers that online harassment is defined as "direct threats that can make people fear for their safety.” As he points out, these types of threats are often directed at any woman who “has a thought in her mind and then [vocalizes] it online."
Oliver plays a clip from ABC News in which video game developer Brianna Wu describes her experience with violent threats and harassment online. “When someone posts your address online and they tell you they’re going to murder your whole family, you don’t really feel safe staying at that location,” she says. Wu is one of the many women who received death and rape threats after speaking out about sexism in the video game industry.
Oliver also addresses "revenge porn," another sexist phenomenon created by the Internet. Revenge porn is when someone posts personal, often intimate photos of (usually) a woman online without her consent.
Many revenge porn victims are told that it’s their fault because they shared these images with a person who shouldn't have been trusted or they’re told to “ignore it” because it will go away at some point. As Oliver points out, the Internet doesn't just "go away" -- it's integral to our everyday life.
“For a start, not taking pictures doesn’t always work. Sometimes these photos come from hacked webcams, but regardless of that it doesn’t matter how it happens," Oliver said, responding to the type of victim-blaming that often follows. "Here’s a fun game -- insert any other crime into those same sentences: ‘Listen guys, if you don’t want to get burgled don’t live in a house!’”
Women are very limited in the actions they can take if they become a victim of revenge porn. Forms of it are still legal in most parts of the country and only 23 states have laws against this type of online harassment. Oliver did share some good news including that Reddit and Twitter have finally banned revenge porn and Google recently announced it would remove revenge porn images upon request.
“We’ve allowed things to get a place where women can fear for their lives for something they said online," Oliver says.
We agree with John, it's definitely time for a change.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150622 - Video: The Future of the Roberts Court
Video: The Future of the Roberts Court June 18, 2015 Politico 2015-06-18
Rita Wilson: We Are Seeking Stories Of Survival
Dear Readers,
Since October 2011, Huff/Post50 has sought to remind people that we can still accomplish great things -- while also having loads of fun -- whether we're 21 or 51 or 101. But our focus on the positive doesn't exclude reality. And the reality is that many people have faced their fair share of tragedies and personal struggles.
Now I'm interested in hearing stories of survival from Huffington Post readers. Have you survived illness? The loss of a close family member? A fire? Bankruptcy? A very bitter divorce? How did you survive? How did you turn your life around? And how are you doing today? What advice would you give to anyone going through an unimaginable crisis?
Having recently been confronted with a potentially life altering diagnosis of breast cancer, I underwent a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. During my recovery I was buoyed by people reaching out to me through social media with their own stories of survival of the same disease. It got me thinking that I am at an age where many people, like me, have encountered potentially life-changing experiences or have, in fact, had their lives altered in some way through illness, tragedy, loss, and more. Many are blessed with never having to encounter the difficulties that life can bring. But many must and they survive what life throws at them with grace, courage and humility.
As shocking as it was to hear my diagnosis and know what was ahead for me, I felt blessed to have a husband and children to lean on. My brother and his wife were extremely supportive. Friends helped me through with laughs and compassion. Support, care and empathy came from people I least expected -- even people I had never met except through social media.
Now we want to hear from you. This summer, we'll publish the most compelling submissions. What a wonderful way to inspire others!
Please email the following to voicesofstrength@huffingtonpost.com no later than Friday, July 10 at 5 p.m. eastern. And please put "survival" in the subject line.
Name and age
Hometown
Contact information including email address and daytime phone number
A specific description of the tragedy faced and how you survived it stronger than ever (500 words or less will do)
A photo (if you want to send a video, even better!)
Please note that your submissions are subject to HuffPost's user terms, and please, no music if you submit a video, unless it's an original work you composed and are playing. Thanks!
Thank you for helping us help others. We can't wait to hear from you!
Best,
Rita
Rita Wilson is an actor, singer, producer and Huff/Post50's editor at large.
Since October 2011, Huff/Post50 has sought to remind people that we can still accomplish great things -- while also having loads of fun -- whether we're 21 or 51 or 101. But our focus on the positive doesn't exclude reality. And the reality is that many people have faced their fair share of tragedies and personal struggles.
Now I'm interested in hearing stories of survival from Huffington Post readers. Have you survived illness? The loss of a close family member? A fire? Bankruptcy? A very bitter divorce? How did you survive? How did you turn your life around? And how are you doing today? What advice would you give to anyone going through an unimaginable crisis?
Having recently been confronted with a potentially life altering diagnosis of breast cancer, I underwent a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. During my recovery I was buoyed by people reaching out to me through social media with their own stories of survival of the same disease. It got me thinking that I am at an age where many people, like me, have encountered potentially life-changing experiences or have, in fact, had their lives altered in some way through illness, tragedy, loss, and more. Many are blessed with never having to encounter the difficulties that life can bring. But many must and they survive what life throws at them with grace, courage and humility.
As shocking as it was to hear my diagnosis and know what was ahead for me, I felt blessed to have a husband and children to lean on. My brother and his wife were extremely supportive. Friends helped me through with laughs and compassion. Support, care and empathy came from people I least expected -- even people I had never met except through social media.
Now we want to hear from you. This summer, we'll publish the most compelling submissions. What a wonderful way to inspire others!
Please email the following to voicesofstrength@huffingtonpost.com no later than Friday, July 10 at 5 p.m. eastern. And please put "survival" in the subject line.
Name and age
Hometown
Contact information including email address and daytime phone number
A specific description of the tragedy faced and how you survived it stronger than ever (500 words or less will do)
A photo (if you want to send a video, even better!)
Please note that your submissions are subject to HuffPost's user terms, and please, no music if you submit a video, unless it's an original work you composed and are playing. Thanks!
Thank you for helping us help others. We can't wait to hear from you!
Best,
Rita
Rita Wilson is an actor, singer, producer and Huff/Post50's editor at large.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20150622 - I went to prison, and it nearly destroyed my family
I went to prison, and it nearly destroyed my family June 19, 2015 by William Tank Black, Washington Post 2015-06-19
20150622 - Marijuana Is in the Air and on It, Too
Marijuana Is in the Air and on It, Too June 19, 2015 by Julie Turkewitz, New York Times 2015-06-19
Monday, June 22, 2015
20150622 - Justice Kennedy on Solitary Confinement
Justice Kennedy on Solitary Confinement June 19, 2015 by Editorial Board, New York Times 2015-06-19
Sunday, June 21, 2015
My Adventures On Tinder: By The 61-Year-Old Woman Who Dated Guys In Their 30s
When High50's Monica Porter tried Tinder for the first time she was irritated by unreliable young men, but on using the dating app again this year she found guys in their 30s 'like teenagers after some fun'
I first downloaded Tinder on to my smartphone in the summer of 2013, soon after the innovative new dating app was launched in the UK. That was the year of my great Internet dating adventure and it seemed an intriguing experiment to try.
The fact that I had turned 61 two weeks earlier didn't bother me. I could always lie about my age. Shocking!
When I discovered that Tinder automatically takes some basic details from your Facebook profile, including your correct age, I cringed with embarrassment. I knew this Tinder business was a young person's game. I'd be laughed out of court.
Not so! Far from putting off the legions of 20-something men looking for 'action', my age was virtually an aphrodisiac for many of them. The fact is, young men always have and always will fantasize about older women.
Most striking is the large number of men in their mid-to-late 30s who have not yet settled into long-term relationships. I was delighted to learn that they didn't equate being a sexagenarian -- which scared the s*** out of me, I can tell you -- with having one foot in the grave.
So I became Tinderised. I had my escapades, some exciting, others less so. But after only three weeks I deleted my account.
The Arrogance Of Youth
The thing about young men, especially in today's digital world, where all arrangements are subject to change and attention spans are minuscule, is that they are infuriatingly unreliable. So, call me old-fashioned, but in the end I simply got fed up with their flighty behavior.
Fast-forward a couple of years. I have just been having another little spell on Tinder, and what a transformation since those early days! The users' flightiness is still there, but no longer is it a dedicated forum for randy young guys and lovelorn girls.
It has evolved into a proper microcosm of our society, and the over-50s -- so many of whom are footloose and fancy-free after relationship break-ups -- have taken to it with a vengeance.
They too have seen that Tinder is a quicker, easier, less painful and free alternative to the more serious dating websites, such as eHarmony and Match.com. And it works. That is, as long as you do 'match' with people on the app, and those matches lead to actual offline meetings.
All Of Life Can Be Found On Tinder
On Tinder you can find doctors and documentary filmmakers, City financiers and Oxbridge students, in the same pack of cards as construction workers, painter-decorators and cabbies. And talk about multi-cultural!
My latest bevy of London Tinderfellas includes a Spaniard, a Greek, a Dane and an Italian, in addition to the pub-joke routine 'Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman'. The common factor which unites them all is the search for a mate, short-term or long-term, for sex or for love or for companionship.
The oldest man I have seen on Tinder was an 80-year-old widower. Although he looked every bit his age, he seemed lively and good-natured and was clearly game to meet new ladies to help take his life forward.
But I wondered, a little sadly, which woman on the app would swipe right for 'yes' for the elderly, frail gent. I mean, is he very wealthy or something?
Moving down a notch, I gasped when I spotted a family friend, a long-married man and paterfamilias with a horde of offspring, as well as several grandchildren. He is 75. Grey locks flowing, a naughty smile playing on his lips, he announced that he was 'up for anything'. If I was stunned, how on earth would his wife feel?
Dating Men In Their 30s
Of course the 'lion's share' of Tinder men (ha -- so many have pics of themselves posing with sedated lions, tigers and other wildlife, it has become the worst cliché) are still youngish single guys looking for their next hot date.
Most striking is the large number of men in their mid-to-late 30s who have not yet settled into long-term relationships. Still on the game, like perpetual teenagers just after some no-responsibility fun, even though they are creeping towards the border of middle age.
Tinder Only Lets You Message People You Match With
In any previous generation, most men of that age would already be married and have started a family. But this lot have been infantilized by decades of playing on their Nintendos and PlayStations and Xboxes. They don't want to grow up. And the high incidence of divorce in their parents' generation undoubtedly makes many shy away from serious commitment.
Reflecting society as a whole, Tinder today is also riddled with weirdos, saddos, kinky types, poseurs, cheats (both overt and covert), blatant idiots, the deadly dull and the self-deluded.
You have only to look at their awful pictures and read their profile spiel -- either semi-literate or pretentious or both -- to know you wouldn't swipe right for any of them, even if they were the last males of the species. And I haven't even mentioned those stupid-looking sleeve tattoos, now commonplace.
I Right-Swiped And Met Ted
I have matched with a few charming and thoroughly decent men, and had some enjoyable dates. Obviously, I am highly selective in my right-swiping. But even so, you can find yourself in an utter mismatch.
Ted, for example. Aged 37, intelligent, professional, presentable, nice manners. We exchanged messages in the build-up to a meeting. He said he loved cooking and sent me photos of dishes he had concocted, various platefuls of colorful mushy stuff. Vegan, he explained.
He'd already told me he was teetotal. And when I mentioned that I was watching an entertaining cop show on TV, he said he didn't own a set and only watched vegan cookery demonstrations on YouTube.
Well. I am a meat-eating, alcohol-drinking telly fan. "Ted," I said, "this is never going to work!" Then came the killer rejoinder: "Would it make things worse if I told you I lived with my mum?"
Oh, Ted.
Monica Porter's memoir, Raven: My Year of Dating Dangerously, is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book.
Related Articles From High50
How To Date Again When You're Over 50 (A Male View)
Why Do Women Over 50 Endure Online Dating?
Why Being Single After 50 Is A Positive Choice For Many
I first downloaded Tinder on to my smartphone in the summer of 2013, soon after the innovative new dating app was launched in the UK. That was the year of my great Internet dating adventure and it seemed an intriguing experiment to try.
The fact that I had turned 61 two weeks earlier didn't bother me. I could always lie about my age. Shocking!
When I discovered that Tinder automatically takes some basic details from your Facebook profile, including your correct age, I cringed with embarrassment. I knew this Tinder business was a young person's game. I'd be laughed out of court.
Not so! Far from putting off the legions of 20-something men looking for 'action', my age was virtually an aphrodisiac for many of them. The fact is, young men always have and always will fantasize about older women.
Most striking is the large number of men in their mid-to-late 30s who have not yet settled into long-term relationships. I was delighted to learn that they didn't equate being a sexagenarian -- which scared the s*** out of me, I can tell you -- with having one foot in the grave.
So I became Tinderised. I had my escapades, some exciting, others less so. But after only three weeks I deleted my account.
The Arrogance Of Youth
The thing about young men, especially in today's digital world, where all arrangements are subject to change and attention spans are minuscule, is that they are infuriatingly unreliable. So, call me old-fashioned, but in the end I simply got fed up with their flighty behavior.
Fast-forward a couple of years. I have just been having another little spell on Tinder, and what a transformation since those early days! The users' flightiness is still there, but no longer is it a dedicated forum for randy young guys and lovelorn girls.
It has evolved into a proper microcosm of our society, and the over-50s -- so many of whom are footloose and fancy-free after relationship break-ups -- have taken to it with a vengeance.
They too have seen that Tinder is a quicker, easier, less painful and free alternative to the more serious dating websites, such as eHarmony and Match.com. And it works. That is, as long as you do 'match' with people on the app, and those matches lead to actual offline meetings.
All Of Life Can Be Found On Tinder
On Tinder you can find doctors and documentary filmmakers, City financiers and Oxbridge students, in the same pack of cards as construction workers, painter-decorators and cabbies. And talk about multi-cultural!
My latest bevy of London Tinderfellas includes a Spaniard, a Greek, a Dane and an Italian, in addition to the pub-joke routine 'Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman'. The common factor which unites them all is the search for a mate, short-term or long-term, for sex or for love or for companionship.
The oldest man I have seen on Tinder was an 80-year-old widower. Although he looked every bit his age, he seemed lively and good-natured and was clearly game to meet new ladies to help take his life forward.
But I wondered, a little sadly, which woman on the app would swipe right for 'yes' for the elderly, frail gent. I mean, is he very wealthy or something?
Moving down a notch, I gasped when I spotted a family friend, a long-married man and paterfamilias with a horde of offspring, as well as several grandchildren. He is 75. Grey locks flowing, a naughty smile playing on his lips, he announced that he was 'up for anything'. If I was stunned, how on earth would his wife feel?
Dating Men In Their 30s
Of course the 'lion's share' of Tinder men (ha -- so many have pics of themselves posing with sedated lions, tigers and other wildlife, it has become the worst cliché) are still youngish single guys looking for their next hot date.
Most striking is the large number of men in their mid-to-late 30s who have not yet settled into long-term relationships. Still on the game, like perpetual teenagers just after some no-responsibility fun, even though they are creeping towards the border of middle age.
Tinder Only Lets You Message People You Match With
In any previous generation, most men of that age would already be married and have started a family. But this lot have been infantilized by decades of playing on their Nintendos and PlayStations and Xboxes. They don't want to grow up. And the high incidence of divorce in their parents' generation undoubtedly makes many shy away from serious commitment.
Reflecting society as a whole, Tinder today is also riddled with weirdos, saddos, kinky types, poseurs, cheats (both overt and covert), blatant idiots, the deadly dull and the self-deluded.
You have only to look at their awful pictures and read their profile spiel -- either semi-literate or pretentious or both -- to know you wouldn't swipe right for any of them, even if they were the last males of the species. And I haven't even mentioned those stupid-looking sleeve tattoos, now commonplace.
I Right-Swiped And Met Ted
I have matched with a few charming and thoroughly decent men, and had some enjoyable dates. Obviously, I am highly selective in my right-swiping. But even so, you can find yourself in an utter mismatch.
Ted, for example. Aged 37, intelligent, professional, presentable, nice manners. We exchanged messages in the build-up to a meeting. He said he loved cooking and sent me photos of dishes he had concocted, various platefuls of colorful mushy stuff. Vegan, he explained.
He'd already told me he was teetotal. And when I mentioned that I was watching an entertaining cop show on TV, he said he didn't own a set and only watched vegan cookery demonstrations on YouTube.
Well. I am a meat-eating, alcohol-drinking telly fan. "Ted," I said, "this is never going to work!" Then came the killer rejoinder: "Would it make things worse if I told you I lived with my mum?"
Oh, Ted.
Monica Porter's memoir, Raven: My Year of Dating Dangerously, is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book.
Related Articles From High50
How To Date Again When You're Over 50 (A Male View)
Why Do Women Over 50 Endure Online Dating?
Why Being Single After 50 Is A Positive Choice For Many
Earlier on Huff/Post50:
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Charleston church shootings to be investigated as ‘act of domestic terrorism’ by DOJ
Updated: On Friday, the Department of Justice announced that they are investigating the fatal shootings of nine African-Americans at a historic church in Charleston…
Saturday, June 20, 2015
How Will the Upcoming SCOTUS Decision Affect Same Sex Marriage?
In 36 states, same-sex couples are already able to legally marry. In the 13 holdout states, same-sex couples are eagerly awaiting the Supreme Court’s ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges. The court must decide whether the Fourteenth Amendment requires states to...
20150619 - What Life Is Like For An Idaho Public Defender
What Life Is Like For An Idaho Public Defender June 18, 2015 by Adam Cotterell, Boise State Public Radio 2015-06-18
Jilted Bride Penned The World's Most Depressing eBay Listing
Wedding dresses for sale on eBay are a dime a dozen. But this listing is different -- this woman's dress has a sob story to tell.
"Rejected wedding dress seeks lasting love and holy matrimony," a UK listing that went up earlier this week reads. From there, the dress takes the reins and spins its sad, sad tale.
"I was supposed to be worn at City Hall in New York," the size 8 ivory lace Diane von Furstenberg number says. "I was going to be the main attraction of a 60s wedding theme. I was going to be low-key, but elegant (I still am, for that matter)."
But then the owner and her Brooklyn-based hubby-to-be ended their relationship -- and things began looking pretty dismal for the dress. "She kept me in the box. Because she couldn’t bear to look at me. I am a constant reminder to her of what could have been. So she wants to sell me."
Oof, you're killing us, little DVF dress.
According to Metro, the would-be-bride behind the listing is a 30-year-old British woman who wishes to remain unnamed. Read her ad in its holy-God-that's-depressing entirety below:
H/T Jezebel
"Rejected wedding dress seeks lasting love and holy matrimony," a UK listing that went up earlier this week reads. From there, the dress takes the reins and spins its sad, sad tale.
"I was supposed to be worn at City Hall in New York," the size 8 ivory lace Diane von Furstenberg number says. "I was going to be the main attraction of a 60s wedding theme. I was going to be low-key, but elegant (I still am, for that matter)."
But then the owner and her Brooklyn-based hubby-to-be ended their relationship -- and things began looking pretty dismal for the dress. "She kept me in the box. Because she couldn’t bear to look at me. I am a constant reminder to her of what could have been. So she wants to sell me."
Oof, you're killing us, little DVF dress.
According to Metro, the would-be-bride behind the listing is a 30-year-old British woman who wishes to remain unnamed. Read her ad in its holy-God-that's-depressing entirety below:
I was supposed to be worn at City Hall in New York.
I was going to be the main attraction of a 60s wedding theme.
I was going to be low-key, but elegant (I still am, for that matter).
I was going to complement a 60s updo, nude courts and a bouquet of Lily of the Valley.
When my owner put on a dress just like me in Selfridges, she knew I was the one so she ordered me online and had me delivered to her husband-to-be in Brooklyn.
I’m not over the top, nor am I too dressed down, and she thought she could perhaps wear me to other occasions in the future.
She thought I was a dress she could look back on and smile, not cringe at fashion faux pas (she was right).
When I arrived, she kept me sealed in my box so nothing could ruin me.
Then they split up.
And she kept me in the box.
Because she couldn’t bear to look at me.
I am a constant reminder to her of what could have been.
So she wants to sell me.
Not necessarily to a bride, but to anyone looking to give me the home I deserve.
A home where I’ll get worn and admired and dry-cleaned (as and when necessary).
She can’t take me back to DVF because they no longer stock me.
I’m limited edition, if you like.
And the first time I have been taken out of my box is for these photos.
Because who’s going to buy a dress based on a picture of a box?
I can’t wait to be worn by you (and to see the back of my cardboard confines once and for all).
Love,
Zarita (in Ivory).
xx
H/T Jezebel
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
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