The Price Of My Affair

On a recent date, after just enough wine and too many previous dull evenings, I found myself in a very intimate and glaringly honest conversation with my dinner companion, talking about everything other than current events and the weather.

It turns out we had both had affairs, and during our communion we agreed that people don't have affairs because they want sex, they have affairs because they are seeking a relationship or emotional connection. Of course the topic led to whether either of us would do it again, and the resounding answer was no.

Affairs are dreadful and beautiful and painful and exquisite. At least mine was. It evolved from a long friendship at a time in my life when I felt alone and unseen. This person validated my persona when it was getting lost in the thick forest of motherhood, and housewifery, and mid-life, and unfulfilled opportunities and ambitions. My husband didn't do anything wrong or intentionally push me away, but like many couples, we had become set in roles and patterns that didn't necessarily represent who we were as people. Rather than talk about our frustrations and dissatisfactions, we -- or I at least -- sought affirmation in the arms of another man.

Had I known the emotional price I would pay and the scope of collateral damage, I may have chosen differently.

That is not to diminish the feelings and experiences of my love affair. It was for love. I couldn't have done it for any other reason. During my affair that endured for many seasons, there were periods of brightness and happiness and adoration, as well as stretches of angst and despair and emptiness.

When you have a conscience, and an affair, the two become intertwined. When your brain and heart become enmeshed in a thicket of conflicting emotions, there is little space for anything else in your life. I was either blissful or remorseful; enthusiastic or exhausted; in love or in hate. Things fell by the wayside. Dinner didn't get made, spelling didn't get quizzed, dentist appointments were forgotten. Once on top of everything, I was suddenly in control of nothing, especially my emotions. I had to construct a wall around my heart, saving it for the person that I loved and not allowing the person to whom I was married to have access to any part of me, lest I find that I was "cheating" on two people at once. That would have been too overwhelming to process.

I think many people who have affairs find themselves at a point of hopelessness before they seek engagement with someone other than their spouse. The affair offers an alternative to the unhappiness or boredom or daily drudgery that was never alluded to in the process of maturing. We are told to do certain things, seek this path, measure against this criteria, and all will be well, but nobody gives any guidance as to an appropriate reaction or course of action when things aren't going well, especially when we really have nothing to complain about.

Perhaps I was seeking myself by engaging in an affair. The affirmation of me as a beautiful, dynamic, sexual being was a happy byproduct of the relationship, especially after years of being exhausted, shrouded in diaper bags and stained clothing. I could tell myself that I was daring, and passionate, and spontaneous -- identifiers that often get buried in the milieu of playdates, and teacher conferences, and business dinners.

What I didn't comprehend at the time was that I was in fact distancing myself from the personal values that I held most dear -- honesty, reliability, the ability to be fully present in a situation.

There were many who paid a price for my affair, especially my parents and children. My actions had implications that I continue to feel to this day. I am divorced, living peacefully, but not a day goes by during which some action or comment causes me to think how much less complicated or cumbersome the situation would be if only...

That's not the real reason that I would never again have an affair. If I am fortunate enough to cultivate a meaningful connection with another man, I want it to be a relationship in which we wouldn't allow ourselves to get to a point of such dissatisfaction, or unhappiness, or boredom, that we would choose to seek validation in the arms of another.

I want a relationship that values honesty, even if the message is hard to hear, and one where we trust the other person enough to put everything -- the good, the bad and the downright ugly -- on the table for discussion. A tall order indeed, but perhaps...

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Actress Diane Kruger On Why We Need To #AskHerMore

Diane Kruger would love to be asked more about her work than her outfit on the red carpet.

In an interview with Yahoo Lifestyle UK on Feb. 25, Diane Kruger discussed why women should be asked about more than just their dresses and makeup when walking the red carpet. When Yahoo Lifestyle UK reporter Poppy Jamie asked Kruger if she ever gets bored with the standard questions women are often asked that revolve around their clothing, Kruger's response was simple and to the point: "Yes."

"I’m interested in fashion and makeup and all of those things, but I actually am also really interested about other stuff in life," Kruger told Jamie. "I’m an actress -- I have a job, I have a life. There are so many other things that I think, you know, you would ask a man that you wouldn’t ask a woman.”

Jamie's question was prompted by the #AskHerMore hashtag which was created by The Representation Project in February 2014. The campaign encourages reporters to cover more than just fashion on the red carpet.

Let's not forget, the women walking the red carpet are usually there because of their hard work as actresses, musicians, screenwriters or directors. Work questions first, style questions second.

H/T Refinery29

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Estate Planning for Blended Families

You have arrived at your second marriage a little bit older and (hopefully) a little bit wiser. Second marriages and blended families present their own issues when it comes to estate planning. You would like to take care of your spouse and your children, but letting them work it out after you are gone is a recipe for disaster. Once you have been through a divorce, you understand that "happily ever after" isn't always. Fortunately, estate planning that takes into account your unique family situation can alleviate most of your concerns, allowing you to freely pursue your second chance at happily ever after.

Good communication is key. The first step is to have an honest conversation with your new spouse about your existing finances, goals for the future and how you expect your assets to be distributed. These conversations can be difficult and emotionally-charged, but they will reap innumerable rewards in the long run. If your children are adults, you may also want to include them in these discussions so that everyone knows what to expect.

If possible, I suggest consulting with an estate planning attorney prior to remarriage to assess your options. But, if you have said "I do" again, it is not too late! The most important thing is to do something. Don't let the state determine how your assets will be distributed.

The biggest concern in second marriages is ensuring that each spouse's share of the estate ultimately ends up with his or her desired beneficiary. That is, if each spouse has children from other relationships, those children's inheritance is protected even if their parent is the first spouse to die. Traditional estate planning distributes an estate to the spouse and then the children. But, after the first spouse dies, the surviving spouse can easily amend the documents to disinherit whomever he or she chooses--including the deceased spouse's children!

TRUSTS

If one of you brings significant assets to the marriage, it may make sense to prepare a separate property trust, before you get married to ensure that those assets ultimately end up with your chosen beneficiaries. You may make your current spouse the beneficiary of the trust until their death and then your children. Or you may have your separate property distributed directly to your children.

Whether or not you have a separate property trust, you should also establish a joint trust with your spouse that has protections for the children. For example, upon the first of you to die, half of the couple's assets are placed into an irrevocable trust for the benefit of the surviving spouse. The surviving spouse is able to live off of the income generated by that trust, but the principal is preserved for the children of the deceased spouse. This kind of trust does require some administrative time and costs, but they are well-worth the peace of mind provided.

POWER OF ATTORNEY FOR FINANCIAL AFFAIRS

A durable power of attorney gives you the opportunity to name a trusted individual to manage your financial affairs and legal decisions during your life if you are not able. Make sure that any previous powers of attorney (perhaps naming your previous spouse) are revoked. Execute an updated power of attorney naming your spouse, your children or another trusted individual as your agent.

ADVANCE HEALTH CARE DIRECTIVE

Similar to a power of attorney, a health care directive allows you to name someone you trust to make decisions about your health care when you are not capable yourself. An updated health care directive is always helpful for medical professionals in the event of an emergency. This also gives you a chance to discuss your feelings about your end-of-life care, organ donation and burial arrangements with your new spouse.

BENEFICIARY FORMS

You may have a significant amount of wealth in life insurance policies and your retirement accounts. The beneficiary designations on those assets will control who they are distributed to, not your will or trust. Many people forget to change beneficiaries when they get divorced.

Think holistically about these accounts and your other estate planning. For example, you may want to provide a death benefit through a life insurance plan for your spouse, while allowing the rest of your estate to pass to your children. It is extremely important that you do not name minors on your beneficiary designations. Minors are not legally able to control assets and a guardian may have to be appointed by the court to manage the asset until the minor turns 18. Speak to your estate planning attorney about strategies to allow your children to benefit from your life insurance and 401K plan without court intervention.

PERSONAL INFORMATION AND CONTACTS

You and your new spouse may be still learning about each other, and that includes details about financial assets. Often people have smaller life insurance policies that have been owned forever, a little-used account at a credit union or an old 401(k) plan from a job left long ago. Now is the time to share that information and make changes or transfer those accounts. It will be so helpful for your grieving spouse and family to not have to play detective after your death.

Moreover, your new spouse may not know all of your family and old friends. Providing names, telephone numbers and email addresses for these people so that they can be notified if something happens to you will help connect your spouse with your past.

Every blended family is different and each presents its own set of challenges, both legal and personal, but a trusted attorney can help guide you through the process and achieve your goals.

Alexandra Smyser is an Associate Attorney at the Law Offices of Donald P. Schweitzer in Pasadena, Ca. She handles all areas of Estate Planning including trusts, wills, probates, general and limited conservatorships, and special needs trusts. For more information on estate planning contact Ms. Smyser at (626) 683-8113 or visit http://www.pasadenalawoffice.com.

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10 Quotes About The Hard But Rewarding Work Of Blending A Family

Each week, parents in our Blended Family Friday series give us the lowdown on the ups and downs of raising a stepfamily.

Along the way, they've doled out some particularly wise advice for other parents struggling to come together as a family. Below, we spotlight 10 of the sagest things they've said about blended family life.





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How a Parent's Infidelity Can Hurt a Child

The indie music world was shocked when Sonic Youth's co-founders Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore announced they were separating in 2011 after 27 years of marriage. Gordon, 61, has just published a memoir, Girl in a Band, that tells that story, among others, but she spoke honestly about the reasons her marriage fell apart two years ago, calling it the "most conventional story ever."



Moore had an affair, which she discovered after seeing a text message. Counseling didn't help, in part because he continued to see his affair partner.

While both Gordon and Moore have their stories to tell about their marriage and infidelity, there is one voice that remains silent -- their daughter Coco's. She was 17 when they split, still a minor but old enough to be way past the age of idolizing her parents and in the throes of her own sexual awakenings.

And that's fairly typical. Who asks kids what they think about their parent's infidelity? Regardless, they clearly are impacted, evidenced by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver's son, Patrick, changing his surname to Shriver on Twitter shortly after Schwarzenegger's affair went public; he was 17 at the time, the same age Coco was.

It isn't always horrible. Eve Pell, who chronicles late-in-life marriages, including her own, in Love, Again: The Wisdom of Unexpected Romance, ended up living with the man who effectively destroyed her known family life when her socialite mother cheated on her father, ran off with a lover, married him and had a custody battle that was sordidly played out in New York newspapers -- a situation that could be one of the worst-case scenarios. Except, it wasn't; Eve says she loved her stepfather much more than her dad.

But that often isn't the case. A middle-aged friend never quite forgave her mother for having an affair and then forcing her to live as a family with her mom's lover. And she believes it screwed her up for a long time when it came to her own romantic relationships.

Her story's more typical.

It's hard to know just how many kids have been in the middle of a parent's infidelity because we don't know how many people are cheating; estimates are from around 25 percent to as high as 70 percent. And, it's hard to know how many cheating spouses move their kids into new digs with their lover, whether they marry him or her or not. Given who tends to get physical custody, that would most likely be the moms; women seek divorce much more than men do, and fewer women don't have custody (2.4 million out of 8.6 million single moms, but that's approaching the number of single dads, 2.6 million). Still, there are about one million kids who experience parental divorce each year, and infidelity likely played a part in many of those splits; it's among the top factors for divorce.

So it's no surprise that after the initial shock, anger, anxiety and shame, many kids, like my friend, might have problems with trust and honesty.

"I'm not saying that everyone does it, but 55 percent of adult children that came from families where one parent was unfaithful ended up being cheaters themselves," says clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful.

Her research indicates 75 percent felt betrayed by their cheating parent, 80 percent said it affected their attitude toward love and relationships, and 70 percent said they believe it impacted their ability to trust others.

But there are a number of factors to consider -- when the kids find out, how old the kids are, whether it's one isolated incident or a history of sexual shenanigans, whether it leads to divorce, whether the cheating parent moves in with the lover, whether the child becomes a confidant, how their parents handle themselves after, whether the child discovers the infidelity accidentally (like after DNA testing that indicate the man they believe is their father isn't, which occurs a small percentage of the time but enough to make you think, hmm). The list goes on and on.

There just isn't enough long-term data to make generalizations on how a parent's transgressions impact a child as he or she enters adulthood. But, there are patterns, just as we see in children whose parents are addicts or abusive. "It's not just a behavior, it's a whole dynamic of relationships," says Azmaira Maker, a family therapy psychologist.

And it begins to impact them before the actual infidelity is exposed, says psychiatrist and author Scott Haltzman:

The unfaithful spouse is mistaken to believe the pain inflicted by the affair happens at the moment the child is told. No, the harm done to the child occurs at the moment that that partner elected to go outside the marriage for an emotional or physical relationship. When an affair happens, it cheats the spouse and the family of the love and commitment of a partner and parent. Telling the child may put an ugly name on why a parent has pulled away from the family, but it is, ultimately, naming a truth. And if there is one thing that affairs teach us, it is how devastating lies can be.

With that in mind, Haltzman doesn't agree that children should always be told about a parent's infidelity (which makes the argument that all infidelity is abuse hard to justify; most of us would agree that children should immediately be removed from an abusive home).

Few of us have had a perfect, idyllic childhood; most are on a spectrum from pretty great to pretty horrible. A parent's infidelity is just one of the many things life can toss at us. What's your infidelity story?

Vicki Larson is the co-author of The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). Order the book on Amazon, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. Download an eBook for $1.99 through March 15, 2015. Details here. A version of this article appeared on Vicki Larson's blog, OMG Chronicles.

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Why You Need a Social Media Clause in Your Divorce

Social media has become a huge part of all of our lives, but did you know you need to include it in your divorce? There are several ways social media can play a role in your divorce.

When you divorce, you divide all of the property you and your spouse accumulated during the marriage. Your social media accounts are considered property and should be divided in your divorce. If you opened a social media account during your marriage, it's marital property. Any posts, photos, or content you added to a pre-existing account is also marital property. Because of this, you will want to be sure that your divorce decree gives you ownership of all of your social media accounts and content in them.

Social media can also be involved if you or your ex are using it to publicly denigrate each other. Posting negative things about an ex in a public forum will merely inflame your divorce. Because of this, you may want to ask for or agree to a clause that neither of you will denigrate each other on social media during the divorce. If there is a problem and it persists after the divorce, the order can be extended. If you are concerned that your ex is going overboard using social media to post photos or details about your children, you can ask that the order prohibit him or her from doing this as well. Overexposure of children on social media is likely not to be in their best interests.

Facebook now allows you to create legacy settings, naming a person who will be in charge of your account after your death. Most people who set this up select their spouse as their legacy. Just as you change your will after your divorce, you should change your Facebook legacy person.

Including social media in your divorce will fully protect all of your interests.

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On his wedding day last January, NASCAR driver Brian Scott recited vows to not one, but two of the important ladies in his life: his bride Whitney Kay and her then-3-year-old daughter Brielle.

The couple tied the knot on a snowy day in McCall, Idaho. At one point during the ceremony, Scott bent down so he could be eye-to-eye with Brielle and made a heartfelt promise to love and care for her, no matter what.


Credit: PenWeddings

"I promise to always hold your hand and skip with you down the street and bring comfort to your life," he said. "I vow to make you say your prayers before you eat. I promise to read you stories at night and to always tuck you in real tight. I vow to show you how a man should treat a woman in my relationship with your mother. And above all else, I vow to protect you, care for you and love you forever."

The emotional video -- shot by wedding videographer PenWeddings -- was posted to YouTube last year, but recently resurfaced and went viral with more than 350,000 views at the time of publication. HuffPost Weddings caught up with Scott on Wednesday and reminisced about that snowy day last year, which he called "emotional and surreal."

"I always felt like my vows to my wife Whitney would maybe affect me more and I would get more choked up during those, making those promises to her," he told The Huffington Post. "But I misread that one. It was really when I was reading my vows to Brielle that I got the most choked up. It really all just hits home in that moment -- you're there and dressed up and all the people around. You're living in the moment. It affects you more than when you write it or plan for it or practice it. You get engulfed by it."


Credit: PenWeddings

The Scotts, who live in Charlotte, North Carolina, first met through mutual friends in 2011. In November 2014, they welcomed a baby boy named Joseph. So far, Scott says he's really enjoying fatherhood.

"Just being there for [the kids] and enjoying family moments together and playing with them and hearing them laugh and seeing them smile -- all of those things are so much better than any of the negative aspects people like to bring up about having kids. It’s not baggage -- it’s great addition [to my life]."

I hope one day he knows this feeling...

A photo posted by Brian (@bscottracing) on Dec 4, 2014 at 5:28pm PST

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Téa Leoni has a great co-parenting relationship with ex-husband David Duchovny, but in a new interview with More magazine, the "Madam Secretary" star admits that every once in a while, the guy just gets on her nerves.

“On occasion, I want to throttle him,” Leoni says of her former hubby in the March issue of the magazine. “But in any real relationship with someone you love, that’s true.”

Those inevitable I-want-to-throttle-him moments aside, the two have forged a strong co-parenting relationship with one another since splitting up last June. The 48-year-old actress tells More that she and Duchovny talk almost daily and even shared a rental house with their two kids and extended family during the holidays.

That mature take on divorce matches up with what Leoni has said about her hubby of 17 years in the past.

"David gave me the two greatest gifts on the planet," she said in an interview with Parade in September. "I don't know how I could ever hate him. We've always loved each other, and we adore these kids."

As for her reported relationship with "Madam Secretary" co-star Tim Daly, Leoni is choosing to stay mum, telling More that after her much-publicized divorce, she will "never speak again" about her personal relationships, "especially after what it did to my kids."

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How to Have the Right Attitude When Online Dating

Online dating can be fun or it can be hell. You start talking to someone who seems normal (fun) and begin to think something great could happen. And then a Big Red Flag rears its ugly head (hell) and you plummet, resigned to another bad experience, another rejection, another "why me?" moment. Some people even ask "What did I do to deserve this? Is there something wrong with me?" I have seen it over and over. Highs and lows that start you off excited and happy and leave you tired and discouraged. Who wants that? No one.

So what do you do? You certainly can't change the experiences or predict them. You can stop dating (I have seen people do just that), but that is really self-defeating if you are ready for a relationship. After online dating for five years, I have some advice. It's all about your attitude. When emotions are involved, taking the right attitude isn't always easy, but the goal is to have a dating experience that does not ding your self-esteem and does not take you on an emotional roller coaster.

There are three basic attitudes that people tend to adopt when dating (online or otherwise). There is the "he's the one" mentality, the "I'm sure he sucks' mentality and the "one-step at a time" philosophy.

He's the One (or she, but I am a girl and write from my perspective)

So many people read a great profile with a nice picture and get really excited. That can be the launching point into too much too fast. If texting and phone calls go well, they go full bore into high hopes and high expectations and even the "maybe he's the one" line of thinking. This is a setup for failure on a couple of levels. First, when you place such high expectations on a first date (or even second or third date) your date feels that pressure. It will drive him away. He can't possibly meet those expectations. Secondly, if he turns out not to be "the one," and statistically that is most likely the case, you are left feeling disappointed and disillusioned.

The fact is, the only expectation you should have on a first date (or second or third) is that you will find out if you want another date. That is it. Period. And if you do not want another date, then you are not a match. He does not want another date, you are not a match. This early in the game, that is the extent of the investment.

I'm Sure He Sucks

This attitude comes when you have experienced your share of bad dates. And haven't we all? The thing is, when you have this attitude, it is telegraphed to your date. You can't hide it, so don't think you can. And no date wants to be with someone who assumes he is the worst representation of his gender. He should not have to pay for the failures of your past relationships. Chances are, if you have this attitude, you may still have some anger over a previous bad relationship. Take a moment and evaluate. If you are still angry over your past, then you are not ready to date. Take some time and work on resolving your anger before you go forward. It's worth it, believe me.

One Step At-a-Time

This is the attitude you need when dating. When you realize that your only investment in the very early stages of dating is to find out if you want another date, your dating life becomes easier. Like I said, if you don't want another date, then you are not a good fit. If he doesn't want another date, you are not a good fit. This is not a condemnation of either of you. It is not a rejection of you as a person, it is acknowledgement that you don't match. It is perfectly okay not to be a good fit for someone. Wouldn't you rather know early?

If you have a good time and things look promising, go on another date. See what happens. Relationships should grow slowly and naturally and your expectations should grow the same way. You cannot know someone in a week or a month. And if one of you backs off, be thankful that you are not with someone who is not right for you. If you look at every dating experience that doesn't work out as rejection or validation of your crappy dating life, you will be miserable. If you look at each dating experience as a learning experience and a step on your journey, you can put it in perspective and enjoy the process.

Stay tuned for more of my crazy online dating stories on HuffPost Divorce. And be on the lookout for my book "Sweeten the Deal: How to Spot and Avoid Big Red Flags in Online Dating" to be released April 1, 2015!

When The Best Sex Is Extramarital - NYTimes.com

I received a voice mail from a 40-something woman, Cynthia, who requested a late-evening session because she worked long hours at her law firm. She said that I was one of the few therapists she had Googled who seemed to have the expertise to help her. In recent years I have noticed that when potential patients Google me, they discover my university faculty profile, where I list as a research interest the psychology of infidelity. They also find a YouTube clip of an interview with me from a documentary on infidelity. Thanks to Google I am getting more patients looking for someone they think of as an infidelity expert.

My Husband Learned The Hard Way Why Women Cheat

By Marina Pearson

"How could you have done this to me, to us? Who are you and who did I marry?" With tears in his eyes, my ex-husband shouted and screamed these questions at me on the day he found out that I'd had an affair. All the while, I stood there shaking, in shock, not knowing what to say that would make what I had done right.

I was a cheater.

Looking back, I realize that nothing in that moment would have given him the solace and comfort that he was looking for -- or that I was looking for. His love and care for me transformed into pure disdain and hate for the monster I had become in his eyes.

The question that came up repeatedly after our marriage dissolved was: Why? Why did I cheat on him? Why would I do such a thing to a man who was caring, funny and generous? It wasn't like he beat me up or anything like that.

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If you are reading this and judging me, I understand -- that's human nature. And believe me, no one has judged me more harshly than I have, even now. Although it all turned out for the best, I wouldn't go down that road again -- although, at the same time, I now completely understand why women cheat. Unfortunately, my (ex)-husband now understands this, too.

According to the UK Adultery Survey 2012, cheating women are more likely to stray in order to seek emotional fulfillment, enhanced self-esteem and romance. When women cheat will depend on how fulfilled they feel in their marriages. But according to the survey, wives who cheat will do so five years into their marriages whereas men will do so seven years in.

After much soul-searching, I finally began to understand the factors that drove me to cheat:

Chasing false happiness.
Back then, I was still living with the illusive notion that happiness is something I could acquire from an external source, so I bought into the fantasy (one that I also see many of my clients buy into) that somewhere in the world a magical one-dimensional man exists for no other purpose than to bring ME happiness. I believed that because I wasn't happy in my marriage with my ex-husband, that someone else could dish happiness up on a silver platter for me. Surely someone else could, right? But, of course, this is simply not true, and never will be. In fact, the whole ordeal of the affair stressed me out and exposed me to more confusion and unhappiness.

Lesson learned: Being part of the cheating wives' club, I understand now that running away from myself was not the answer and that I am responsible for my own happiness and fulfillment. My happiness is no one else's responsibility -- not my spouse's, not some lover's--but mine!

More from YourTango: 10 Tell-Tale Signs He's Cheating

Sneaking around instead of speaking up.
I honestly believed that I was a bad person for no longer feeling attracted to my ex-husband. So as not to hurt him, I kept quiet as that waning desire continued to fizzle away. I just couldn't find the words to tell him that I no longer found him sexually attractive. Instead of communicating honestly with him about my feelings, I ended up truly being a "bad person" when I cheated (while I also hoped he wouldn't find out about either). Deep underneath this pattern of guilt-leading-to-silence was a belief that I was not worthy of someone loving me as much as my ex husband did.

Lesson learned: What I now realize is that our beliefs and how we see ourselves can lead us to do some very crazy things. Belief systems are a powerful catalysts for behavior. By working on myself, I was able to finally overcome this pattern and now find myself in a new, truly loving relationship.

Remaining stuck in an immature mindset.
I realize now that I lacked the maturity and the life skills needed to properly face the problems my ex-husband and I were experiencing at the time. We would argue, get upset and as a result, our communication would break down and, as a result, so did our intimacy. I didn't know how to change that dynamic or manage my thoughts about those conflicts either. Any time we argued, I honestly believed that he didn't love me. So, I "acted out" to have my own back.

Lesson learned: Keeping communication channels open is vitally important because by the time you sense communication has shut down, intimacy has usually already slid away from you. Before you know it, you are yearning for intimacy and connection deeply just no longer with your mate. I often hear that wives who cheat do so because of this very same communication breakdown in their existing relationship. They feel frustrated, no longer heard or misunderstood and they seek comfort, connection, and refuge in the arms of someone else.

More from YourTango: My Marriage Ended And My God, The Loneliness Is Killing Me

My need wasn't wrong, but my actions were.

At the time I had my affair, passion in my relationship felt dead. I wanted my ex-husband to long for me, want me and care enough about me to woo me. But our relationship fell into a day-to-day routine, taking all the excitement out of it, and the passion died. I wanted to break free from that and thought the best way to do so was through a selfish act (having an affair).

I now realize that looking for passion outside of my established relationship was a short-lived solution, and that's all it ever could be. Working on rekindling what my ex and I once had -- which was a lot -- would have probably been the better option.

All of my reasons may sound like excuses and, you know what -- my affair was a selfish act. I will be the first to admit it. I had options, choices, but when I put myself in the shoes of that young girl I was at that time, I really felt then that an affair was the solution.

My overall feeling now is that if you are a woman who is contemplating becoming part of the cheating wives club (or you are a woman who already has cheated), then I ask you to seriously contemplate what you hope to get out of it and what has turned you toward such an action. If you're chasing happiness, I'm here to tell you that happiness comes from within. No one else can create that happiness for you.

Ultimately, I don't regret what I did, though I do deeply regret the hurt I caused. As a result of the affair, and then later, our divorce, my ex gave me the best gift you can give anyone -- the opportunity, finally, to find my happiness within myself.

This article originally appeared at YourTango.

Brands, Product Differentiation and EU Competition Law

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The FTC should release an interim report to help patent reform

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Posner informs pro se litigant that the queen of England did not absolve him of need to pay taxes

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Mergers When Prices Are Negotiated: Evidence from the Hospital Industry

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An Analysis of the DOJ’s IEEE Business Review Letter February 27, 2015

ABA Section of Antitrust Law The Intellectual Property Committee The International Committee, and The Federal Civil Enforcement Committee Present An Analysis of the DOJ’s IEEE Business Review Letter February 27, 2015 12:30-2pm EST On February 2, 2015, the Department of...

Price Setting in Online Markets: Does IT Click?

Yuriy Gorodnichenko, UC Berkeley & NBER, Viacheslav Sheremirov, FRB Boston and Oleksandr Talavera, Sheffield ask Price Setting in Online Markets: Does IT Click? ABSTRACT: Using a unique dataset of daily U.S. and U.K. price listings and the associated number of...

The Secret To A Happy Marriage May Be In Your DNA

The secret to a happy marriage seems to be a never-ending topic of discussion, but Robert Levenson, a psychology professor at UC Berkeley, is taking a closer look -- all the way to the cellular level, in fact.

A new video from Fig. 1 -- a web series from the University of California that focuses on new ideas and research surrounding science, art and more -- visits the topic of whether DNA can affect nuptial bliss. And according to Levenson, that answer is yes.

One ongoing study, Levenson explains, started in 1989 and follows 156 middle-aged and older couples, 125 of whom gave DNA samples. Every five years, they're quizzed by researchers about their marital satisfaction.

“Some couples are in these relationships that are very emotionally difficult -- a lot of anger and sadness and contempt. And the marriages just get really miserable,” Levenson says in the video. “Others have similarly toxic environments, but they seem to do okay. So this was not what we were expecting ... and we started thinking that, maybe, the answer lies in their genes."

Twenty-six years in, Levenson believes one factor is the gene that distributes serotonin, or the "happy" chemical in our brains. One common variation in the gene leads to bigger emotional responses in those who carry it; while the difference may be slight, he points out, over time all those responses can have a cumulative affect in a long-term relationship.

Happy wife, happy life? It may be time to update that saying.

Watch the video above to learn how Levenson believes something as small as a cell can make all the difference.


Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Weddings on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

Monopoly Versus Competition in Setting Accounting Standards

Karim Jamal, University of Alberta - Department of Accounting, Operations & Information Systems and Shyam Sunder, Yale University - School of Management explore Monopoly Versus Competition in Setting Accounting Standards. ABSTRACT: Financial accounting standards are set by organizations granted a...

Stop Wallowing, Start Giving

After a breakup, it's easy to feel stuck in a rut. And to wallow in that rut and not know the way out. I hear a lot about this through my company - Never Liked It Anyway. We're all about moving on, but we hear a lot of stories from people struggling with it. I sat down with entrepreneur and the brains behind Parachute, Ariel Kaye. Her company makes a range of gorgeous sheets and home decor, all made in Italy - and made without any chemicals or synthetic materials. A huge part of the Parachute business is giving back. For each sheet set you buy, they donate a mosquito nest through Nothing But Nets. Ariel and I got to talking about how giving back can really help catapult you out of breakup land and get you back to your best self. Ariel's advice for moving on after a breakup is to really dive back into giving. Here's some reasons why helping others might be just the ticket. But first, let's start with Ariel's story.



Ariel first noticed that the world of sheets needed a shakeup after a breakup of her own. She had thrown all her sheets and towels out and headed off to Bed, Bath & Beyond to replace them. At the store, she found herself overwhelmed by the choice and unable to really tell which ones were genuinely well made, with quality fabrics. She noticed a gap in the market for quality bedding, without the complexity. Months later, she realized she could create a company that not only created beautiful sheets, but that was also good to the core - and so Parachute was born. Now, back to giving back and breakups - here are some benefits that come when you give back to others.

1. Lessen Your Own Pain
When you start thinking about others, your own pain diminishes. You start to empathize and help those around you and get involved in their world not your own. For Ariel, finding a way to put her skills towards something that helped others was central to the business idea; and a great way to keep her focused. After a breakup, focusing on others problems, not your own, is a great way to gain compassion and empathy and put things in perspective.



2. Doing Good Attracts Good
When you're doing good, you're around other people who prioritize doing good and helping others out. This is probably just what you need right now. So when you're volunteering, be open to the new people you will meet. You already have a solid thread in common and can use that as the foundation to expand your circle.

3. Try A New Role
Teaching someone something, no matter the skill - can be a great way to give back and move on. When you start to adopt different roles - like a teacher, or mentor, or coach - it's a profound way to grow, and grow beyond your current reality. After a breakup, it's important to keep evolving and moving - and trying on new roles is a shortcut to growth. It's a new habit to adopt; and new things are just what you need right now.



4. Reconnect With Who You Are
Find a way to give back to something that really means something to you. Ariel was determined to help people have safe sleep - it was something she felt strongly about and accorded with her business. "If we're giving people a good sleep, we should be able to help others get a safe sleep with malaria nets," she reasoned. When a cause resonates in this way, it doesn't end up being a transient thing, but something you can sustain on a long-term basis. To get to something that matters, Ariel suggests asking yourself some of the big questions like "What really matters to me? What do I care about? And what can I do for others?"

Getting a Divorce? Top 3 Tax Tips to Consider

Taxes aren't fun to think about in the best of times. And if you're going through a divorce, how such a split may affect your taxes might be the furthest from your mind. But if you're not paying attention,...

The Divorce Games: Finding Your Inner Adult

Recently, I was talking with an equally sarcastic friend about our strategies to put the fun back in dysfunction. A quick Google search revealed our seemingly brilliant, original ideas weren't original at all.

There are multiple sites offering everything from a candle that smells like freshly signed divorce papers to a full line of divorce party products for the recently unknotted. I love both because the concept of live, laugh, love completely falls apart if you leave out the middle. Laughter truly is amazing therapy.

Our idea (or so we thought) was a board game about divorce. Like everything else I have fantasized would make a mint, it's been done.

Hold up, player! Before you get your panties all in a bunch, I'm not trying to belittle the pain of divorce or disrespect the institution of marriage. I've been there -- twice.

It's not considered irreverent in the single world to talk about dating as a game full of power plays and manipulation; refer to marriage that way and all of a sudden you are unraveling the fabric of America.

I'm just saying the results of some of our life choices often seem as random as the outcome of a casino game. We may analyze it to death, but ultimately we are all trying our best to beat the odds.

Most of us who were in it to win it tried everything imaginable to increase our chances of hitting the happily ever after marital jackpot. Maybe it was marriage counseling, pre and post; perhaps you read all of the marriage advice books and checked every listicle to test the relationship against some criteria for long haul success.

You may have opted for marriage boot camp, completed a couples retreat, or practiced people who pray together stay together. Maybe you went the nontraditional route and consulted the Ouija board or a spellcaster. That's none of my business.

Surely there must be some magic elixir that explains why some people make it and some don't? Trying to figure that out is as productive as analyzing a slot machine. In reality, some things in life feel purely random. You can train hard, play by the rules and still lose.

As a lover of tangled tangents, reading about games and the power of numbers made me think of the huge expectations we often assign to little phrases or words with eight tiny, unsuspecting letters -- I love you. Marriage. Children.

But what happens when you spin and end up with the unlucky 13 puzzle to solve? I want a divorce. Congrats, you're the next contestant on... Wheel. Of. Misfortune!

How about a round of emotional scrabble? That war of words is as much fun as a root canal. One person goes vertical, the other horizontal; someone throws in a diagonal trying to build off what you said previously; zero points and no one wins.

If your main issue as a couple is communication, you may also play a few rounds of marital charades. I ended up acting like a mentally unstable mime as I struggled for months trying to explain how I was feeling.

Of course none of it really feels like a game. It's your life.

In the bestselling book Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, psychiatrist Eric Berne describes three ego states -- the Parent, the Adult and the Child. When people play mind games, the winner is the person that returns to the adult ego-state first. In fact, if two people are in adult mode, game over. You both win. So do your children.

How often do divorced couples complain that it felt like one member of the dynamic duo was the parent and the other was a child? That's playbook page one for conflict. Game on.

In retrospect, I recall multiple moments my ex-husband and I were switching back and forth between the parent and child ego modes. I was calm on the outside; inside I was having a two-year-old style temper tantrum. I also remember talking to the father of my children like he was 4 (and yes, sometimes he was acting like it).

Our co-dependent style marriage finally evolved after the divorce to successful co-parenting and friendship. It isn't about good sportsmanship--that's for game playing. Instead, it's a constant struggle to nurture the emotional intelligence we both need to raise happy children.

Does it work 100 percent of the time? Nope -- but we both suit up and show up. The word parent is most powerful as a verb.

When it comes to relationships, I've finally learned to say: I am not your child. I am not your parent. I'm an adult willing to consider a relationship with another adult -- game free.

Maybe the payoff for the divorce games isn't so random after all... life lessons that help us evolve are priceless.

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Regulating Professional Sports Leagues

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What I'm Too Ashamed And Devastated To Admit About My Split Out Loud

I glance down at my husband's hands as he holds our six month old daughter and my breath catches in my throat. There's a deep imprint on his left ring finger, one that I never noticed before.

It used to hide underneath his wedding ring.

I've cried more tears over losing my marriage than I'd like to admit. It's been a long, hard grieving process and the most difficult part is that it's still not over. We aren't separated by divorce papers or custody agreements. Instead, we're separated by sixty miles of hurt, anger and, most upsetting, indifference.

I used to take solace in the quote, "The night is always darkest before the dawn", but now it terrifies me. How much darker is it going to get? I could've sworn it was time for the sun to rise. How many more tears does my baby's head have to soak in before it's all over?

"Why don't you want to work this out?" I ask him over and over. He loses his patience, refuses to answer the question or says something hurtful. The man I loved, the man I married, would've given anything to keep his family, to keep me. I never questioned that man's loyalty, love or dedication. I would have never asked him "Why don't you want to work this out?" because I would have already known the answer: I love you. I love us. We'll be okay.

My eyes feel full all the time, like if I give myself even one second to grieve, the tears will start and never, ever stop. I feel like I'm sixteen again, sitting in the floor of my pink bedroom with "I Love Lucy" on the television. It could've passed for the bedroom of a teen girl in the 1950s if it weren't for the computer against the wall, open to MySpace, so I could torture myself with the profile of the girl that my boyfriend chose over me.

But this is harder because I don't know what my husband has chosen over me. Over Alice. Over our family. Everyone asks me if there's another woman, if he's on drugs, if he's having a midlife crisis and all I can say is, "I don't think so". But what else do I say? There's no clear cut answer other than, "He doesn't want to be with me."

And I'm too embarrassed and ashamed and devastated to say that out loud.

That night, I watch my daughter sleep in my childhood bedroom as the stars from her humidifier's projection play on the ceiling. I stare at the dark eyelashes curled against her rosy cheeks, the perfect button nose that she refuses to have wiped, her tiny rump up in the air with her knees tucked underneath her body. It took nearly two hours to get her to sleep, but I did it. My frustrated tears are dried to my cheeks and my arms ache from holding her little body to keep her from screaming.

I remember how I cried out that this wasn't fair, that I should have somebody else helping. I carried her up and down the halls of my mother's house, anger burning through my chest as I thought about how nice it must be to sleep, to not have to worry about your child, to not finally get the baby to sleep and know that you don't have long before she's up again for the darkest part of the night, literally and figuratively.

But as I turn to leave the room, I stop and whisper a little prayer: "Please God, let the night pass quickly. Bring the dawn for all of us." And then I run my thumb over my own left ring finger imprints, the ones that hid behind my engagement and wedding ring, before closing the door.

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Are longer appeals briefs better? Much ink is spilled over proposed 1,500-word cut in length limit

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Heir can sue herself for causing accident that killed her husband, Utah appeals court says

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Discretionary Authority and Prioritizing in Government Agencies

Maarten Pieter Schinkel, University of Amsterdam - Amsterdam Center for Law & Economics (ACLE); Tinbergen Institute - Tinbergen Institute Amsterdam (TIA), Lukas Toth, University of Amsterdam - Amsterdam Center for Law & Economics (ACLE) and Jan Tuinstra, University of Amsterdam...

How Women Reacted To The 2015 Oscars

Our Oscars drinking game involved taking a sip of wine every time a woman or person of color won in a gender-neutral award category. Unfortunately, we ended the night stone cold sober.

Much has been made of the Academy's failure to nominate people who aren't white men in many of the award's most prestigious categories. The cast of white over this year's lineup was nearly blinding and the gender gap was pretty damn big.

Women made up only 19 percent of all non-acting nominees, and 77 percent of Academy voters are male. If you were to take the white dudes out of the credits for year's nominated films, Neil Patrick Harris would have had quite a lot of time to fill.

Of course, there were some highlights during this year's ceremony. Julianne Moore and Patricia Arquette picked up Best Actress awards for powerful portrayals of dynamic female characters. Accepting her award for Best Supporting Actress for her performance in “Boyhood,” Patricia Arquette brought the evening to its indisputable high point with her impassioned plea for gender equality.



Here are some of our favorite moments from the 2015 Academy Awards:

--Octavia Spencer throwing Neil Patrick Harris shade for asking her to watch over the winner’s box and denying her snacks. WTF, NPH?

--Patricia Arquette’s pointed and passionate acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress. “To every woman who ever gave birth to every taxpayer and citizen of this nation: We have fought for everybody else’s equal rights. It's our time to have wage equality once and for all and equal rights for women in the United States of America!" Preach, Patricia. Preach.

--Jennifer Lopez and Meryl Streep’s reaction. A “you go girl” moment for the ages.


--Common and John Legend’s powerful performance of “Glory” from Best Picture-nominated film “Selma.” The pair received a standing ovation and later won the award for “Best Original Score.”

--Oprah rocking her own personal LEGO Oscar.

Image: Giphy

--Screenwriter Graham Moore, accepting the award for “Best Adapted Screenplay” for “The Imitation Game” made an incredibly honest, impassioned speech dedicated to anyone whose ever felt like an outcast. The 33-year-old said of his teen years: “I felt weird, I felt different, and I felt like I didn’t belong. And now I’m standing here. I would like for this moment to be for that kid out there who feels like she doesn’t fit in anywhere. You do. Stay weird. Stay different, and then when it's your turn and you are standing on this stage please pass the same message along."

--Lady Gaga performing “The Hills Are Alive” in tribute to “The Sound Of Music’s” 50th anniversary as Julie Andrews cheered her on. Intergenerational girl power FTW.

--A documentary made by a female filmmaker earned the top honor in its category -- Laura Poitras shared the win for “Citzenfour” with journalist Glenn Greenwald.

--Eddie Redmayne dedicating his award for “Best Lead Actor” to those worldwide living with ALS, the disease afflicting the preeminent Stephen Hawking whom Redmayne portrayed in “The Theory Of Everything.”

--Julianne Moore’s emotional, compassionate acceptance speech for her Best Lead Actress win. Moore won the award for her portrayal of a woman suffering from Alzheimer’s disease in “Still Alice.” “One of the great things about movies is that they make us feel seen and not alone."

Honorable mention:
Before the ceremony, Reese Witherspoon championed #AskHerMore, a call to action for those who ask actresses questions on the red carpet and interview women in general to acknowledge their accomplishments other than picking out a nice dress.



We collected some of the best tweets from women during the ceremony. See some of our favorites below:

Visit HuffPostWomen's profile on Pinterest.

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Jennifer Lopez And Marc Anthony Celebrate Their Twins' Seventh Birthday

Mom, Dad, Max and Emme!

Jennifer Lopez and ex-husband Marc Anthony reunited on Saturday for their twins' seventh birthday bash. Lopez snapped a selfie of the whole family celebrating together:

Party time!!! HAPPY 7th BIRTHDAY TO THE COCONUTS!! #thesetwoknowhowtoparty #twins #LOVE #familia

A photo posted by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on Feb 21, 2015 at 3:08pm PST

The 45-year-old singer and actress told Huffington Post Editor-in-Chief Arianna Huffington about co-parenting with Anthony on HuffPost Live in November.

"Marc and I are very good friends, we're very supportive," Lopez said. "I feel it's my responsibility as a mom when their dad is not there to let them know that their dad loves them very much, because that's the doubt that they have when he's not around or they haven't seen him. That's my job to do that, the same way it's his job when he's with them to say 'Mommy is working and she loves you.'"

Lopez and Anthony's divorce was finalized in June 2014.

Amélie-Themed 'Pet Peeve Love Story' Will Have You Laughing Through Gritted Teeth

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Valentine's Day is long gone,
And those "funny quirks" are starting to irritate you.

POYKPAC Comedy's "Amélie"-themed "Pet Peeve Love Story" shows it's all about the little things. And that's not necessarily a good thing.

From the "compulsive pauser" to the "noisy smiler," there's something for everyone.

I Chose Pretty -- Friends With Benefits Over 50

Men have been doing it for millennium and bragging about it. Choosing pretty, that is.

I'm a single and youthful 52, and I haven't been pretty in a long time. I am enthusiastic and outgoing and think that my personality is all kinds of pretty; but sun damage and weight loss have combined to create a perfect storm of not so pretty anymore. I'm actually good with that. I'm proud of my battle scars -- all of them.

However, as my contemporary male counterparts try and hang onto their youth by scoring younger chicks, the pool of available men dwindles to a puddle.

Or does it?

As a menopausal woman, I have a ton of shit going on in my body. What I have been told over and over and over again is that as I age I can anticipate my sex life basically swirling down the toilet along with last night's cost-prohibitive organic, vegan-friendly, heart-healthy supper. I'm not having any of that bull shit. No ma'am. In the last few years, I have felt my libido waning and I have wondered, "Is that all there is? Really?"

Well, lo and behold a major dietary change and subsequent shift in not only body chemistry but my brain chemistry, sent my libido through the roof. Like, seriously, through the roof. Like, OMG I have to masturbate at 2 p.m. through the roof.

Thank gawd I work from home.

I had been eyeballing an age appropriate bachelor for some time who was my ideal specimen; because let's face it, we all have bodily preferences. He was pretty and very physically attractive to me, but otherwise he was not my type. I don't typically go after the country club hanging, golf club swinging, lawyer types. But the pretty I had been dreaming about had moved from my mind into the crosshairs, and I needed to go in for the kill.

He was a 56-year-old stud and loved his time at the gym and I am physically attracted to men who are shaped like fire hydrants -- squat and powerful. Does that mean I won't choose otherwise? Oh, hell no, but If I'm looking strictly for a friend with benefits, I'm going after what I came for ... physical compatibility and chemistry. Chemistry is a good thing. We had chemistry, I could feel it. He didn't need a tailored suit to get my attention. His bike shorts and a t-shirt pushed me right over the edge.

We had been doing the dance for over a year -- flirting, innuendo, brief hugs and longing looks. I was fairly confident there was interest. He was on the back side of dating a woman just under 30 (no lie) and complaining about how difficult it all was.

"It's complicated," he had said.

Not for me. I saw my window of opportunity and went for it.

So, where am I going with all of this?

I am more alive today then I have ever been in my life. If you want to roll over and play dead as you age, go for it.

I'm not that gal.

I'm going to choose pretty.

I'm going to cross over into the next chapter of my life with my hair afire and a wide swath of glitter in my wake. F*#k getting old. I'm having NONE of it.

I said to him, "I haven't had a day off in six weeks and I'm finally free on Sunday. Let's do something together."

"Sure. How about we go to the museum," he replied and the date was officially set.

The time came, we made the drive and after several hours of art, steaks on his grill and a lovely evening of chatting, I went home!

Wait ... what?

When I got there I thought, What the hell am I doing here? I wanted to have sex with that man.

I got back in my car, drove to his house, knocked on his door and said,

"Ummm, yeah. I didn't want to be there, I want to be here."

Huge smile, violin music, and the first kiss unfolded. Then the clothes flew off in a flurry of activity, and we were in bed in a matter of minutes. Literally. It had been a long dance, and we had come to the end.

Many of us believe that on the backside of 50, life is over. Bullshit. In my mind, it's just beginning. I never would have shown up on his doorstep asking for what I wanted before I was 50. Never!

I chose pretty, and I'm glad I did.

We went at it like rabbits for a few weeks. Then I left. My temporary job ended and I traveled the 1,500 miles south to my home. He was never a contender for a long-term relationship. He was intelligent, witty, enthusiastic and physically very appealing, but we lived vastly different lifestyles. At my age, I have no interest in being with someone I'm not crazy about just so that I don't have to be alone.

I got many gifts from my time with this man, and I am eternally grateful for his affection and attention. I walked away with a smile on my face knowing two things for sure...

• I am only as old as I want to be.



• If I want something, I need to go and take it.

I feel a 40-year-old in my future.

Yes. I. Do.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

In or Out? 5 Questions to Assess the Health of Your Relationship

Following the pressure to couple up for Valentine's Day is the conscious un-coupling soon after that a spike in divorce petitions reflects. February is the busiest month of the year for divorce filings, up about 18 percent from the average month. The same CNN article reports a 40 percent increase in those seeking information and advice about divorce in the period right after Valentine's Day.

Apparently, giving your sweetheart the four-foot Hunka Love Bear isn't enough to prevent a break-up.

So whether you are married or dating, how do you know if your relationship needs a tune-up or it may be time to get out?

There are many more considerations than these five questions. But don't overcomplicate things before you ask yourself the following.

1. Do I feel safe?

The health of a relationship can almost be determined by just this one question.

• Do you feel at a gut level that your partner has your back?
• Through their behavior, have they shown they are trustworthy and honest?
• Do you sense there are secrets underneath the surface, or do they have an open manner (what you see is what you get)?
• Have you been in the relationship long enough to know if this person will stand by your side when the road gets rocky?
• Will they love you if you gain a few pounds, go through a period of depression or become physically ill?

It is easy to be with someone -- almost anyone -- when times are good. The real test is how this person shows up when times are rough.

2. Do I smile more often than cry?

In every relationship couples argue from time to time, and we unintentionally hurt each other. But if you observe the time you share together as a whole, ask yourself:

• Is it characterized by synergy and joy, or fraught with anxiety and tension?
• Do you freely express yourself, secure in knowing that you can say the "wrong thing" and be given the benefit of the doubt, or do you tread on eggshells, afraid of an eruption if your words are misinterpreted?
• Is there any sign of criticism or contempt?

How much effort are you putting into making the relationship work? Yes, relationships take effort, but if you feel exhausted, it may be that the relationship is depleting you instead of nourishing you.

3. Do I give to my partner from a place of love or fear?

Why do you do what you do? Do you give from your own free will, from a place of love, or do you do things to avoid an expected negative reaction (from a place of fear)?

For example, your partner is sick and asks you to go to the grocery store. You want to help, and so you go. They would do the same for you. But what if your primary motivator is to avoid an expected angry reaction if you refuse? Have you witnessed this person sulking or giving you the cold shoulder when you don't do what they want?

Slow down and assess your motivators for deciding what to give to your partner. Giving is wonderful and it should be a two-way street. Giving in feels different.

4. Is my partner invested?

For a relationship to be successful, there has to be a vision for it. With a defined vision, there can be commitment by both people. Is your partner willing to show up each day and contribute to the success of the relationship, or does he or she just do the occasional grand gesture and leave the daily heavy lifting to you?

My former husband would dramatically proclaim: "I'd die for you." Ok, but before that option presents itself, what are you willing to do?

If you haven't been with your significant other that long, you may not be at this place, but it is useful to identify what this person is currently invested in. In other words, can you identify something he or she feels passionate about? In general, people who are committed to something other than themselves are more likely to be able to commit to you.

For example, is this person invested in the community or a cause? Are they enthusiastic about their career, or do they have an interest or a spiritual faith they are devoted to? Be wary of the person who doesn't seem passionate about anything. That could be the level of commitment they make to your future once the infatuation stage ends.

5. Does he or she play well with others?

What relationships are present in this person's life? (Facebook doesn't count.) What real relationships -- friendships, family, co-workers -- can you identify, or do they tend to isolate? What is their behavior within the context of these relationships?

How well your partner gets along with others is a reflection of their emotional intelligence. People who are relational exhibit empathy and understanding for other people's views. They don't want to dominate the sandbox; they want to share it. Moreover, they seek to make the experience as enjoyable as possible for everyone. They understand the value of compromise and give and take. When things aren't going well, instead of stomping out and taking their toys with them, they seek to understand another perspective and to positively influence the outcome. Generally, if someone has a healthy tribe with some longstanding friendships identified, they understand what it takes to make a relationship work.

What were your answers?

If you answered "yes" to each question, you may have found yourself a good partner! If not, then allow yourself more time and come back to these questions when you have more information.

If you are married and answered with a couple of "nos" this is a good opportunity to start a conversation with your partner and perhaps a therapist.

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The Dirty Money Conversation: Marital Financial Failures That Cause Divorce

For some reason, talking about money can feel dirty. People avoid it, especially in romantic relationships because it can lead to arguments. One of the benefits of marriage is the financial advantage of two incomes and shared expenses. When couples cannot have the "dirty money" talk, their marriage suffers, resentment and distrust builds and the relationship fails.

Here are the three types of relationship "money" failures that I frequently see in my office:

One spouse handles money, the other hides from it

Usually there is one partner who knows more about the finances than the other. But in cases where the break-down of the marriage is tied to finances, it is very common to have one spouse know everything about the finances, while the other is absolutely clueless.

Maybe this starts because they decide to rely on her accounting degree or his financial savvy. Or maybe the couple is trying to avoid arguments that go with budgeting and planning. The result is that one spouse retreats from the finances and the other has free reign. This enables one spouse to make unilateral decisions that may not be in both of their interests.

Staying blind to the finances may have been inadvertent or willful, but it leads to the inability to make joint financial decisions, and ultimately can doom a marriage. Not to mention that a divorce is a bad time to try and catch up with the marital finances, particularly if one spouse was planning to get divorced for months or years.

One spouse works, one stays home

One common situation is where one of the spouses stops working, putting pressure on the other spouse to shoulder the financial burden alone. This usually happens when one spouse, usually the wife, stays home to take care of a child. The husband can get resentful because the tangible benefits of having a wife at home can get lost in the face of mounting monthly bills.

Not to mention, men encounter women who work and have kids -- and that can really undercut the roll of the spouse who is at home. Many times, the husband takes his wife's efforts in the home for granted, and she in turn gets resentful because she feels unappreciated.

Different value attitudes towards money

Some couples end up in divorce court because they simply value or view money differently. Maybe it is cultural or how they were raised, but if one spouse is pinching pennies and the other spends hundreds on the latest iPhone or a new pair of shoes without batting an eye, that can signal bigger problems. Ultimately, one spouse may be more inclined to compromise their position, and that can create some bad tensions in the marriage.

For example, "Jill" was a prominent physician. Jill's husband Dave was also a medical doctor, yet during the marriage Jill paid the bills, invested in college plans and retirement accounts, and general savings. Meanwhile, Dave spent money freely, arguing with Jill until she felt worn down and would agree to the purchase expensive things (like a new car every year). Jill's view of money was tied to how hard she worked for every dollar, but Dave's was a view of valuing the things they could afford and keeping up with their friends. In the end, when Jill drew the line about savings, the marriage imploded.

Marriage is a partnership, and that includes an element of being a financial partnership too. If one person feels they are working and saving in ways that the other person is not, resentment will build. If you cannot talk about the marital finances then you are missing out on one of the reasons to get married in the first place.

Tips for having a "dirty money" conversation:

• Set a budget for the household and figure out who contributes to each expense
• Use apps and programs to help set financial goals (I like Mint.com)
• Allow yourself and your partner to have a separate account - everyone needs a certain level of independence and this should strengthen the relationship, not undermine it
• Have a monthly or quarterly "meeting"
• Figure out what is important for each person and how common goals can be met. Determine how to talk about finances in a way that is productive to enable future conversations.

How do you and your spouse talk about money? What are some money mistakes you and your ex- made? Join the conversation in the comments. This blog was originally published on The Divorce Artist.

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What Makes The 'Hard Work' Of Blending A Family Entirely Worth It

As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we spotlight a different stepfamily to learn how they successfully blended their two families. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we'll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life! Want to share your own story? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.

Nicole Messer met her second husband Justin back in December 2011, and she says she knew almost immediately that he was the man she wanted to raise her kids alongside.

The mom of three told The Huffington Post that the journey since then has been "crazy, amazing, weird, tough and just lovely."

"There's been so many different emotions," Nicole said. "We were both on the flip-side of relationships that just did not suit either of us well. Today, we are happier than ever."

Below, Nicole tells us more about her blended family and explains why it's so important that her ex stays in the picture.

Hey Nicole. Want to introduce us to your family?
Our crazy little family is made up of my husband Justin, me and our kids Rachel (7), Ian (6) and Arica (6).

Rachel and Arica are adopted with my ex-husband and Ian was adopted by me and my husband. We are truly a blended in many different ways.


Afton LeFevere / Afton Marie Photography

How long have you and Justin been together?
My husband and I went on our first date in late 2011. I had to twist his arm to go on a date with me! We had plans... but he was thinking about canceling on me. (He had legit reasons: He was spending time at the hospital with grandpa.) We ate at this wonderful Mexican restaurant, saw a movie, watched another movie at his house and have been stuck together ever since! I knew the first night that I met him that I never wanted to leave his side.

We were engaged on June 9, 2013 and married on August 9, 2014.

What do you appreciate most about home life now that your family includes Justin?
The absolute best thing about being a blended family is that there are more people involved. More people = more love! It's priceless to me how amazing our families have been in supporting us. Justin's family took us into their hearts and have treated us like blood relatives. Each of our families pitch in to help out with late nights at work, sports and dance practices and nights when we just need time away together.

What challenges have you encountered as a family since expanding?
I think the biggest challenge has just been figuring out what "normal" looks like for us. It's sometimes difficult to work out schedules for the girls when they go back and forth between home and my ex's house, but we're pretty good at talking about it.

Believe me, blending a family isn't without its challenges and we're definitely not perfect. Sometimes it takes some negotiation but we make adjustments as we go! If the girls have something going on one weekend, my ex and I will swap around for a different weekend. Emergencies come up, things change, but we're flexible.

You talked a bit about having a civil relationship with your ex when you first reached out to us. Could you talk a little about that?
Like I said, we are not perfect. We do not have it all figured out and sometimes it's not easy. There is never anything easy about a divorce. My ex and I have always been able to be very open about what's going on with the kids, though. We've never had to sit and hash anything out in a courtroom or with mediators. As long as you are honest about what you want and your intentions remain purely on what's best for the children, it really does get easier. I think the best policy we have is that when it starts to become an emotionally based conversation rather than a logical one, we take a break and revisit the topic later. It can take longer to come to decisions, sure, but it's what works for us!

What makes you proudest of your family?
Love! We're totally great at one thing and it's loving one another! I remember standing at the front of our wedding reception and looking out at our 140 closest family and friends and our kids, who were running around everywhere just being their happy selves and everyone was absolutely careless and comfortable. Every one of those people knew our family situation and they were there to love us and support us unconditionally.

How do you deal with stress in your household?
Family support. We could not do this without the never-ending support of our families. Marriage is tough! Coming into a relationship with three children and becoming a blended family is even more tough. Both of our parents have been married for 30+ years and we are not too proud to ask for help or advice.

If a stressful situation is child-related, which obviously does happen, I will be the first person to send texts and make phone calls to ask for advice or to bounce ideas off our many supporters.

We're also lucky that both sets of our parents have stepped up and helped out with our kids these last few years so we could go on dates or get away for the weekend. It's great when Justin and I are able to sit still for a few moments. We're able to revisit why we're together and why we are good at what we do.

What advice do you have for other blended families who feel like a peaceful family dynamic is out of reach?
Communicate! Things will definitely shut in your family when the communication shuts down. It's tough, it takes time, it's hard work but it's so worth it when you look into the eyes of your children and they see you being a great role model and going about it the right way. It's taken three or four years to get to where we are today and I know that there will always be more work around the corner. You just have to stick it through!



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