Sunday, July 24, 2016
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Friday, July 22, 2016
My Loneliness Has A First Name
I was venting about how shitty my week had been; how I was pissed-off at everyone around me and found myself crying in my car in the parking lot every single day. She naturally understood the emotional extremes I was describing and had recently experienced several weeks like that herself.
I then mentioned that in the midst of my anger and despair and grief and frustration filled Week-From-Hell, that I had written a couple of blog posts expressing just exactly how crappy I was feeling. But that I just couldn't bring myself to publish them.
"I couldn't put all of my negativity vomit out there - no one wants to read about how pissed off I am - I would just seem like an ungrateful asshole complaining about how terrible my life is. So many people have it worse."
"True." She agreed. "But it would be authentic. I would read about you having a crappy week and think, 'See - she really is human. She has shitty weeks just like me, when I just want to shut the world out'."
Hmm.... This got the wheels turning. And it made me realize that perhaps I haven't been as authentic as I've been preaching. I filter out the bad days, the ones where I'm certain that I'm destroying my children and that life is simply never going to be okay again. I wait until those days have passed, then reflect on what I've learned, and bring you my optimistic conclusions.
But the reality is, I am human. And I am going through something really fricken hard. And the truth is that being human means that some days I don't have a SINGLE OUNCE of perspective. Some days I am fighting back tears more often than not, and some days I drive like a complete ASSHOLE because I feel like the world owes me something. Being human means that some days I lose my cool and scream bloody murder when I'm trying to corral an 11 month old and a 4 year old to get out the door on time, on my own, for the fourth day in a row, and both the dog and the baby have blowouts, causing me to be late, once again, because of (quite literally) shit. Being human means that some days I might excuse myself to go cry in my car because people are complaining, to my face, about their husbands...again. You know, husbands... those guys who marry you and stand by your side and help you with the kids and sometimes take the garbage out and if nothing else, are there to give you a hug at the end of a shitty day. That thing that, in case you forgot, I no longer have. Call it jealousy, bitterness or whatever you want, some things are just a little too salty right now for my freshly cut wound.
So in the spirit of authenticity, yes - I have shitty days that DON'T end with a silver lining. But here's the kicker - I have learned to let myself have shitty days. I allow the sadness to surface and invite it right on in because I've learned that through it is the only way out. There is simply no point in suppressing the sadness or the grief or the anger and frustration, because it's there. It's there for a reason. And it's not going anywhere until it's served its purpose. So I sit and I ask it what the hell it wants from me and tell it to just go ahead and take it. Sometimes it's a good scream. Sometimes it's the longest, most brutal, ugliest cry you've ever seen. Sometimes it just wants me to sit outside and not do a single thing but listen to the birds for hours. Sometimes after giving it what it wants and letting it surface and marinate for a while, I find that it identifies itself as something completely unexpected... like loneliness. And the cool thing is that in identifying it and bringing it to light, it somehow reduces its power over me.
During a therapy session in the midst of Week-From-Hell, my therapist suggested I go a step further while sitting with these painful emotions and give them a name. I raised my eyebrows, tilted my head forward and looked at her as though maybe she was the one who should be sitting on the couch.
"By giving it a name" she explained, "You are identifying the pain as something outside of yourself. It helps you recognize that it's something separate from you."
Kay... this was starting to make a little bit of sense. I asked her to continue.
"Naming the painful emotion helps you realize that you are not your loneliness, for instance. And that it is something that comes and goes, but doesn't define you. You can choose whether to let it in or shut it out. Without identifying as something outside of you, it can feel like it has all the power over and consumes you."
She was damn right. So we named the crappiest emotion, the loneliness, Gary. Yup, I named my loneliness, Gary. Dear God.
So when Gary, or Steve (anger) or Rick (fear) knock on my door, I can say:
"Oh hey there, Steve. Come on in, it's been a while. What's that? You want me to slam this door and punch that person in the face? Yeah, that's cool. How about we go for a run and you can tell me all about why you are here, and then when we're done you can go ahead and show yourself out."
But... the nice part is that, because I really am an optimistic person by nature, I really do know it will get better. I know that the visits from these nasty fellas will become fewer and farther between, as long as I continue to invite them in and sit with whatever it is they are bringing. And then maybe, once those nasty fellas have served their purpose and their visits are far less frequent, I will be in a place where I'm ready to invite in a nice fella who comes knock'n at my door. Maybe.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Federal judge considers suit seeking gender-neutral passport
A passport applicant who identifies as neither male nor female is asking a federal judge to direct the State Department to issue a gender-neutral passport.
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Plan For A Successful Divorce Before Your Wedding Day!
It's easy to blame the entire divorce industry, but that leaves us where we started: frustrated and broke! Finding solutions to messy divorce is much more challenging -- but it is a challenge that I live for. In my article "It's So Easy to Marry" I mentioned the value of premarital counseling. Youngsters sometimes decide to marry quickly based solely on their emotions and impulses, not taking into account the full extent of a legally binding commitment. Pre-marital counseling allows couples to fully consider the financial and personal stakes, revealing possible incompatibilities that are better learned before walking down the aisle. But even the most carefully laid plans sometimes fall apart and that's why I believe that people should be able to settle a divorce in a relatively uncomplicated way. That's is one of the reasons why I started with Divorce Hotel -- to spare people unnecessarily messy separations. Even thought my reasons are logical, the process can still be complicated.
The good news is that there is a solution. The bad news is that you have to start thinking about divorce before you marry -- I am talking about a prenuptial agreements or premarital agreements, more commonly known as a prenup.
A prenup is a contract that is drafted before marriage, basically outlining the terms for separation. Many people recoil at the mere mention of the word, as it blows romance out the window in a split second. Let's face it: nobody who has met the love of her life wants to start thinking about divorce! But with the rates as high as they are, it's important to face the facts and protect ourselves. Frankly, I believe that making prenups obligatory before marriage would save a lot of time stuck in really painful process.
I have prepared the most FAQs to help you better understand prenups:
Why a prenuptial agreement?
I can give you dozens of reasons why you should have a prenuptial agreement before marriage, but one of the most important reasons is that it forces a couple to think a bit further about all consequences of marriage. Too often couples only think about the emotional relationship, but marriage is also the start of a business relationship.
For example community property does not just refer to a couples shared property, but also debts. With a prenuptial agreement you can assess these areas and assert some terms and conditions beforehand, which saves a lot of headaches, should the marriage not work.
Is a prenup only for celebrity couples?
Not at all -- in fact I firmly believe that prenups should be for everyone. We often see them with celebrities because there are more assets at stake. Prenups are of great value for people whose partners might huge debts, or in situations where one partner earns much more than the other. Bottom line -- it is important to at least consider a prenup before marriage!
Can you list anything you want in a prenup?
Yes, you can list nearly everything what you want. For example adding a clause that states that you will try mediation if you decide to divorce, where you indicate that both spouses will commit to attending at least 3 sessions. Even a settlement about the dog can be included! But of course there are also limits. Legally you cannot excluded things like child support or predetermine child custody arrangements.
It's worth hiring a good legal professional to help you list your terms and conditions so that you have a good prenup that satisfies both spouses.
Does a prenup need to be updated?
Yes definitely! From the beginning you should aim to make your prenup as clear as possible. After 20 years it still needs to be crystal clear and contain no nuances. We all know that life situations such as wealth, jobs, houses and feelings can suddenly change. For that reason alone, it's wise to update a prenup every five years.
For a successful divorce, think carefully before the marriage. Prenups allow both partners to exercise control over their futures and help to make divorces much less painful. It's important to remember that when everything goes well in a relationship, partners are willing to share and give each other everything, often overlooking obvious areas of conflict. However, when facing a divorce that good spirit disappears quickly, often brining defense and meanness. That's why it's better of to arrange the terms divorce while love is still in the air and you are both able to think logically and reasonably.
I sincerely hope that you never have to go through a divorce, but if you do, it's better to be prepared!
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20160722 - Arkansas court denies request for new execution law hearing
Arkansas court denies request for new execution law hearing
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2016-07-21
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What To Do When You're Bored With Your Sex Life, According To Sexperts
When you've been in a relationship for years, it's all too easy to grow comfortable and slip into a sexual rut. The problem with comfortable is it oftentimes leads to boring ― and no couple should settle for boring sex.
To help you bring excitement back to your sex life, we asked sex experts to share their best tips for couples in long-term relationships. See what they had to say below.
1. Take the lead.
Be honest with yourself: Who tends to initiate sex more often, you or your partner? If you're the less sexually assertive partner, flip the script and take the lead on getting things started tonight, advised Jenny Block, a sex expert and the author of The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex.
“Change things up: Don't allow yourself to dance the familiar and instead choose the steps you have yet to take for a spin,” she said. “Do you always do things in a certain order, in a certain way? Well, forget all of that. Let go, let loose and let yourselves be free, new and unfettered again.”
2. Make a sex date once a week.
You never thought you and your partner would become one of those couples that has to schedule in sex. But the reality is, hot, spontaneous sex doesn't always happen on the regular for long-term couples, said Tammy Nelson, a sex and relationship therapist and the author of The New Monogamy. If you're more inclined to get busy Saturday afternoon, when you're well-rested and relaxed, more power to you for acknowledging it.
“With a sex date on the calendar, you are more likely to plan out what you can do to make it fun, different and exciting,” she said. “You can be as spontaneous and impulsive as you want ― but sometimes you have to plan it.”
3. Talk about what turns you on now.
At this point, you know how to turn your partner on ― or at least you think you do. Chances are, the sex script you've been using to get your partner off for years needs some updating, said Celeste Hirschman, a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple's Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion.
“The best way to put an end to boring sex is to have a really honest, detailed conversation about what turns you on with instructions, examples and a PowerPoint ― just kidding about the PowerPoint,” she joked.
Approach the conversation without judgement and be very explicit about what you want. Show don't tell, Hirschman said.
“Don't just say, 'I need you to be more passionate,' show your S.O. exactly what being more passionate would look like by doing it to them,” she explained.
As Hirschman notes, this approach means you'll have to get over the idea that your partner should “just know” what you want.
“That's a horrible myth that gets in the way of steamy, hot sex,” she said.
4. Take intercourse off the menu for a while.
Sex is about more than just intercourse, said Chris Rose, a sex educator at PleasureMechanics.com. To revive your sex life, take a one- or two-month break from intercourse.
“In the interim, commit to getting naked and touching one another more frequently. Explore full body contact, your hands and mouths, erotic talk and all the other ways you can pleasure one another,” she said. “You may just discover a new favorite path to arousal.”
5. Have vacation sex ― or staycation sex.
There's nothing better than a vacation ― except maybe vacation sex. If you can't financially swing a weekend getaway, turn your bedroom into a little escape by sprucing it up a bit, Block said.
“Create something new that will inspire you to play just like when your surroundings are fresh and foreign,” she said. “Clear the clutter. Splurge on new sheets. Pick up some fresh flowers. Drown out the outside world with music that puts you both in the mood. Switch out your bulbs to create a more inviting lighting design ― whatever it takes.”
6. Go ahead: Press send on that sexy mid-day text.
Sex is all about the buildup. Sending a sexually charged text to your partner will get the message across that you're in the mood and create what Nelson likes to call “erotic anticipation.” (Let no eggplant or peach emoji go unused!)
“The more provocative the better ― but try not to be too blatantly sexual,” she said. “Texting is like teasing: you can use it to connect and give just a taste of what is to come.”
7. Discuss your sexual highlight reel.
When you think back on your sexual encounters as a couple, what really got you going? Mull that over, then share your thoughts with your S.O., sparing no detail, Rose said.
“Talk about your best sexual encounters together and explore the details. Where were you? What happened? What were you both feeling?” she advised. “Dig deep into your best shared sexual memories and you'll likely open up your erotic future.”
8. Make your S.O. feel wanted.
Don't idly assume that your partner knows how much you appreciate them, said Danielle Harel, a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple's Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion. Tell them. Ultimately, feeling emotionally connected is what keeps partners feeling safe and turned on, she explained.
“This means talking about how beautiful, handsome or sexy you still are to each other and how much you appreciate each other,” Harel said. “It also means empathetically listening to each other.”
She added: “It might be scary, but having deep conversations can make you see each other as new, exciting and sexy again.”
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
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Wednesday, July 20, 2016
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10 Things Everyone Should Know About Marriage, According To Divorcees
There are some things you can't possibly know about marriage until you've been there.
Below, HuffPost Divorce bloggers and readers on Facebook reflect on what they wish they had known about marriage before saying “I do.”
1. You need more than love to keep your marriage alive.
“Love is not enough. You must like your partner and have a deep respect for them. You need someone who is your best friend. You need a rock and a place that is not just a house, but a home. You need a partner in life. The best marriages I've been blessed to know have had that at their foundation.” ― Jessica Kahan
2. The annoying habits that drive you nuts before you're married won't go away once you're wed.
“Your spouse's annoying habits multiply exponentially after you've tied the knot. I'm talking about little things that gain annoying momentum as years go by. For me, it was abrasive quirks like these: tailgating at rush hour, interrupting me to correct me, calling every woman he met 'sweetheart' and twisting his napkin into a knot after every meal. Shallow and petty, I admit, but day after day took its toll. While dating, I wrote them off as changeable and cute. When the adrenaline wore off, those pesky habits became a problem.” ― Kat Forsythe
3. It's not necessary to spend every waking minute together.
“Growing up, my dad was a 'rolling stone' so I always thought that in order to prevent that sort of thing, married couples had to like the same things, do the same things and always be in each other's sight. This is what I carried into my first marriage. Notice I said first marriage. That approach to spending time together ended in divorce. I'm remarried now and I know that it's healthy for couples to have their own identity and enjoy their own hobbies.”- Tiffany Benyacko
4. If you suspect your spouse is upset about something, find out what it is at any cost.
“When you're married to someone who doesn't want to talk about challenges and concerns in the marriage, push. Push hard. If you can make it happen on your own, great; if you need to seek the services of a counselor, do it. Don't settle for 'Things are fine; you're making something out of nothing.' If you're feeling it, it's not nothing and when you're not being heard and acknowledged, resentment can't help but grow. By the time that resentment has taken hold, if you're not already gone, you will be.” ― Lisa Lavia Ryan
5. A marriage license doesn't change much.
“A paper will not miraculously change anything about a person.” ― Carrie Rovere-Mundrick
6. You don't have to stay in a bad marriage.
“No one should ever feel trapped in a marriage. Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly and divorce should (almost) never be the first option, but if it isn't the marriage you want, you desire, you deserve, you have choices. Staying is one of them but so is leaving. That doesn't mean your marriage failed. It just means that it ended.” ― Aubrey Keefer
7. Your spouse will change.
“You will change, too, so make damn sure that you can grow together and that you agree on the things that you consider dealbreakers.” ― Carol Schaffer
8. Meddling in-laws will test your marriage.
“It's your marriage and your life but issues within the immediate family can cause a huge problem in your marriage. It can chip away at your trust and your respect for one another. I wish I would have known that certain family dynamics can intensely interfere with a marriage. If your spouse doesn't act like your backbone or help you feel supported through communication and establishing healthy boundaries, your marriage will fall apart.” ― Shelley Cameron
9. One person's love cannot sustain a marriage.
“One person loving extra doesn't make up for the other person loving less.” ― Jen Cooper Atkinson
10. It's OK to be done.
“At some point in the last seven years of my 15-year marriage ― the seven where I read every book, went to every counselor and ran myself into the ground trying to fix it ― I wish someone had told me, 'It's OK to be done.'” ― Kami Sayre
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
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Gwen Stefani Gets Teary-Eyed While Chatting About Her Love Life Struggles
We can always count on Howard Stern to get celebrities to reveal their most personal details ― Tina Fey spilled on all the behind-the-scenes Oscars secrets, Mila Kunis revealed that she and Ashton Kutcher were friends with benefits before they got married and on Wednesday, Gwen Stefani broke into tears while discussing her love life.
While speaking about her relationship with ex-husband Gavin Rossdale, with whom she has three sons, the singer couldn't hold back her emotions.
Stefani met Rossdale shortly after her breakup with No Doubt bass player Tony Kanal, who she said she was “obsessed” with. But when she met Rossdale, things were different.
“When I met him and looked up at him, I was like, 'Whoa.' It was different,” she said. “I was in quite a rebellious place because I was feeling really rejected, but I also had this newfound power of songwriting ... I was in a crazy place.”
“Somehow he got my phone number, and that was that. He stalked me, I think,” she joked.
Stern then brought up the divorce, apologizing to Stefani for what she went through. (Rossdale reportedly cheated on Stefani, a claim which she basically confirmed in Harper's Bazaar earlier this month.)
“Its been an unbelievable journey ... My parents were totally helping me through the whole thing,” she said before tearing up. “I always wondered, why did I get so unlucky in love? I have so much love in me. [Howard,] you are making me cry.”
But as we all know, Stefani is now dating country star Blake Shelton, a fellow judge and mentor on “The Voice.”
The singer explained that their relationship started out platonically, but as she's said before, they both bonded over the fact that they were going through divorces (Shelton had split from Miranda Lambert).
When Stefani found out about Shelton's divorce, she admitted, “I might have gone white.”
“I was in shock,” she said, “because I felt like he was exposing me. I just couldn't even wrap my head around it.”
As the two continued getting to know each other, their relationship grew.
“[It's] unbelievable that God would put us [together] at that moment, like at the same moment. His thing was going on since January and mine in February.”
Of course, the couple have been very public with their romance, often posting photos of each other and sharing loving exchanges on social media. But when asked if there was a wedding on the way for the them, Stefani simply said, “Literally not answering that.”
Guess we'll just have to wait to find out.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
7 Things Resilient People Always Do After Heartbreak
Breakups make even the strongest people feel small, helpless and even hopeless at times. But if you stay optimistic and embrace some positive, healthy approaches to healing, you can emerge from the breakup stronger than ever.
Below, therapists share seven things resilient people do when dealing with heartbreak. (Chances are, you're probably already doing many of them!)
1. They don't try to get back together with their ex.
Don't expect someone who's serious about moving on to send a 2 a.m. text to their ex. Sure, they get the urge just like the rest of us but they resist the temptation to press send, said Aaron Anderson, a marriage and family therapist in Denver, Colorado.
“They know that there was a reason the relationship didn't work out. And instead of giving it one more try, they accept their losses and resist the urge to get back together with their ex,” he said.
2. They don't blame themselves or fall into the victim role.
People who remain positive post-split try to maintain some perspective while working through their feelings, said Olga Bloch, a marriage and family therapist in Rockville, Maryland. They recognize that they made mistakes that led to the breakup but instead of falling into a cycle of self-blame, they take responsibility for those mistakes and focus on becoming a stronger, smarter person.
“Blaming yourself feels different because it comes from a place of little self-worth and a gnawing feeling of beating yourself up,” Bloch said. “This approach leaves you feeling powerless, unlovable and longing to return to a relationship. Taking responsibility is the only way to heal your heart and emerge stronger.”
3. They don't allow the loss to define them.
In I Remember Nothing, the late Nora Ephron reflects on how far she had come since her divorce from journalist Carl Bernstein:
The divorce has lasted way longer than the marriage, but finally it's over. Enough about that. The point is that for a long time, the fact that I was divorced was the most important thing about me. And now it's not.
It's not that resilient people don't give themselves time to mourn their loss; they do, but like Ephron, at some point they refuse to allow the heartbreak to define them.
Marriage therapist Susan Krauss Whitbourne puts it this way: “They don't allow a breakup to pervade their sense of identity,” she said. “Even though the experience is, of course, incredibly painful at the time, they learn from it and grow more resilient.”
4. They recognize the need for closure.
Resilient people don't allow themselves to mentally replay details of the breakup over and over again and they certainly don't waste time Facebook stalking their ex. They recognize there's a need for closure and try to get on with their lives, Whitbourne said.
“They recognize what happened can't be denied, but that they don't benefit from becoming preoccupied with the breakup or their ex,” she said.
5. They don't consider themselves unloveable just because their ex doesn't love them anymore.
Your value as a person is in no way tied to how desirable one person finds you ― especially if that one person is your ex. When a confident person is left, they recognize that they're still a major catch, even if their ex fails to recognize it, Bloch said.
“People who have a clear sense of who they are and what they contribute to a relationship understand that if someone doesn't see or appreciate that, it's their loss,” she said. “They don't internalize the rejection or assume something is wrong with them. Instead, they look at the breakup as an opportunity to find someone who will truly see and love them for who they are even with their shortcomings.”
6. They aren't trying to “win” the breakup.
People who eventually get closure stay above the fray and focus on being the best version of themselves for themselves, Whitbourne said.
“People who stay strong throughout a split are able to 'save face.' They don't let their new single status get to them,” she explained.
7. They don't take baggage into their next relationship.
Everyone has skeletons in their closet from relationships past. What sets tough people from others is their willingness to “face their demons and iron things out so they'll eventually end up in a stronger relationship,” Anderson said.
“They go to work trying to fix those things that caused the breakup,” Anderson explained. “The breakup wasn't all their fault but they're not afraid to recognize things they did wrong and try to fix it so they don't bring the same problems into the next relationship.”
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
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20160719 - Unreliable Field Drug Tests Result In Innocent People Pleading Guilty
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by Barry Scheck, The Huffington Post
2016-07-15
19 Quotes Every Newly Single Person Should Read
There's a lot to love about being single: You get to do what you want, eat what you want and sleep on whatever side of the bed you want.
To remind you that being single is better than being in a bad marriage, we've rounded up 19 quotes about single life from Pinterest. Read them below.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Monday, July 18, 2016
My Children Are Not Victims Of Divorce
When we agreed to end our marriage, I sat in my therapist's office, crying those big ugly tears one cries when they're surviving solely on chocolate malt milkshakes. I cried to him in exasperation, terrified of the stigma that would forever follow my girls now that they were children of divorce. He looked at me as he often does when he's getting ready to point out how irrational I'm being and said, "So, you're worried about what stigma? The one of them being just like fifty percent of their peers?"
A few months after our separation, our oldest started kindergarten. At Open House before the year started, the teacher asked us all to share any information we thought she should know about our children. As my ex and I sat there together, wondering how we would all be seen by the school, we felt the need to explain that our intelligent and talented little girl was a child of divorce. We explained that she sometimes got sensitive and teary-eyed - this was because of her status as a child of divorce. Never mind the fact that she had been that way from the moment her personality began to shine through or that her dad had been the exact same way as a kid.
First grade came around, and my ex and I again went to Open House together. And again, when the teacher asked us all to share any information we thought she should know about our children, we explained that she sometimes got timid and shy and unsure of herself and that this was the result of her being a child of divorce. Never mind that she was one of the youngest in her grade or that her mother had been the exact same way as a kid.
During all of that time, I would also catch others' comments. News of my divorce was often met with something along the lines of, "Oh, I'm so sorry. The poor girls. Are they doing alright? It must be so hard on them," or, "Your poor girls. It's always the kids who are the victims." Yes, it was hard on them. It was hard on all of us. It's not something I would wish on anyone, but I wouldn't say that the girls were suffering because of it. Struggling? Maybe. Confused? Sure. In need of some good play therapy? Definitely. But victims? No.
Fast forward two years. My ex and I have worked hard to create a co-parenting relationship that works for everyone involved, especially the girls. We've gone from me having full custody to their dad having them every other weekend to what is now a true 50-50 arrangement. If you were to meet our girls today, with two years of being children of divorce under their belts, you would never label them as "Victims of Divorce."
Our I. is almost 7 years old, and she is kind, compassionate, helpful, sincere, full of questions, and incredibly curious about the world around her. She is an amazing student, always following the teacher's directions, obeying school rules, befriending those who most need a friend, and pushing herself to reach new levels academically. Her grandfather has always called her "Bright Eyes" due to her sense of wonder. She asks questions that make me think in ways I've never thought before, and she reminds to slow down, to do handstands and flips in the pool. She is careful and observant, weighing all of her options before making decisions. She is unswayed by the influences of others, and she stands firm in what she believes in and wants.
And our M., just barely 4 years old, is the most goofy, considerate, loving, thoughtful, and socially intelligent child you'll ever meet. She has become the resident nurse, tending to those who are crying, sick, or injured. When others hurt, she hurts with them. She is her grandfather's sidekick, and she truly believes she can make his cancer all better. She makes sure he is always covered with his blanket that she and Big Sis made for him when he first went away for treatments, and she brings him food and drinks. She snuggles with him when he is too tired to play, and she runs to give him the most enthusiastic hugs when she sees him. She is also the goofball of the family, with a spirit to match her curly "crazy hair." She is the one racing to the top of the water slides at the pool or to the tower for the zip line at the beach. We call her our wild child, not because she is out of control, but because she lives life to the absolute fullest, fearless and with confidence.
My children are so many things. They are young ladies. They are students. They are sisters, daughters, granddaughters, nieces, cousins, and friends. They are intelligent and talented. They are thoughtful, compassionate, and considerate. They are strong-willed and hard-wired for success. They are so many things. But they are not, and never will be, victims of divorce. To label them as such would blind others to the amazing beings that they are.
This year, when my ex, my boyfriend, and I go to Open House, I imagine I.'s second-grade teacher will ask us all to share any information we think she should know about our children. Together, we will explain that she splits her time between two households but that she will never be permitted to use that as an excuse for missing assignments. We will explain that she has a large family with many siblings from both homes and that she may talk about different sets of mommies and daddies, along with a plethora of grandparents. We will explain that she loves schools, strives to make her teacher happy, and works hard to truly be the best student she can be. And I believe that her teacher will figure out the rest: that she, like her sister, is thoughtful, kind, intelligent, talented...and anything but a victim.
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20160718 - Program to corral ballooning sex offender registry failing
Program to corral ballooning sex offender registry failing
July 14, 2016
by Eric Dexheimer, Austin American-Statesman
2016-07-14
Pay freeze at London law firm brought on by Brexit 'uncertainty'
Despite recently posting its second highest profit per equity partner, London law firm Berwin Leighton Paisner has frozen pay and bonuses for its UK-based staff…
The Top Five Reasons Why Divorce Is So Hard -- Even If You Have An Attorney
Should getting divorced be so difficult?
If you don't have an attorney and are representing yourself, the process is overwhelming and confusing. That's easy to understand. You're not an attorney. Why would you know how the court system works and what the law is regarding determining alimony on a 8-year marriage with one income earner?
The legal system is not like you see it on television.
Judge Judy is entertaining and knows her stuff, but most of what you see on her show is for dramatic purposes and ratings. (Don't get me wrong; I would not have looked forward to appearing before her in court when she was on the bench...she's one tough cookie!)
What makes the divorce process so stressful?
Now, we've all heard stories about either a friend's divorce, or their friend's divorce, or the neighbor's divorce. But, no two divorces are exactly alike and each one is determined on a case-by-case basis based on the facts and the law in effect at the time.
For example, I would bet that a marriage of 4 years with no children will probably be less difficult, stressful, etc. than a 24-year marriage with three children, multiple properties, investment accounts, etc.
What's the difference?
Length of the marriage and number of assets that have to be divided in the divorce.
However, I would say that the number one reason why the divorce process is so difficult, no matter how long the marriage was, or how many assets have to be divided, is the simple truth that it's hard to separate out the emotions of the marriage and relationship from the business of getting divorced.
If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times...
Getting divorced is a business transaction. Plain and simple.
It's getting people to treat it as such that is the problem.
Should Divorce Be Considered Happy?
When people come to me seeking my help in their divorce, they are not in their "happy place." Unfortunately, in the divorce business, I only get to see people when they are at a low point in their lives.
That's why I try to add a little levity and humor to my writing and divorce talk. Because, I believe if we lose our sense of humor...we've lost it all. Laughter and some mild self-deprecation can do wonder to your state of mind. And, people tell me it also relieves gas "(an added bonus?!)
I'm not trying to make divorce a "happy" occasion, but I do believe that if you were/are in a toxic marriage, a divorce can be a happy occasion. Both people deserve to be happy. If you and your spouse have put in the work and it still hasn't improved the marriage, then divorce may be the answer.
I often hear one spouse say, "I didn't want the divorce." They are sad, depressed and don't know why this is happening.
If one spouse is not happy, then the marriage is not working. Even if you didn't want the divorce, you deserve to be happy too, even happier than you think you are now if you thought the marriage was fine.
People like to rehash everything that went wrong in the marriage during the divorce. That's the real problem and the reason why it takes so long.
That's really what therapy should be for, not attorneys and judges. But, it's hard for people to separate the two. That's just the reality.
If emotions were taken out the divorce process, almost every divorce would be completed in no time and for a lot less cost to the parties. If people didn't fight over their children like they do now, wow...I can't even imagine.
Yes I can! It would be GREAT!
No custody evaluations, experts, or parent coordinators. That would shave down the time it takes to get divorced by half, if not more right there. One can dream...
Having an attorney represent you in your divorce should make it less stressful, but also makes it more expensive. However, sometimes the attorneys are the problem and instead of making things better, make them worse.
Choosing the right divorce attorney can mean the difference between a divorce that lasts six months, or one that lasts two years.
For example, if your attorney is a "litigator," which basically means someone who prefers to fight it out in court, then strap in and open your wallet; it will be long and expensive. If one side in a divorce wants to proceed that way, it's unfortunately hard for the other spouse to stop it.
My best advice to client is: treat your divorce as a business transaction and don't get caught up in the emotional drama of it all. Easier said than done, yes. But it will save your mental health and hopefully your wallet.
Jason Levoy a/k/a The Divorce Resource Guy is a divorce attorney, coach and advisor who assists people who can't afford an attorney how to navigate the divorce process. He runs a FREE divorce support group where people going through the divorce process can meet others going through the same issues and ask questions.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
After An Affair: Staying Together
Atonement
The atonement phase makes or breaks whether the relationship can successfully continue after the affair. If the affair partner is not willing to atone then the relationship must end or there will be continued resentment.
I often use the metaphor of a bank account to describe this stage to couples. An affair is akin to taking your account into overdraft. Not only do you need to pay back the amount you withdrew, but you will also have a penalty. The partner that cheated will need to make deposits through trust building behaviors (like granting access to e-mail or offering to check in during the work day), expressing empathy for their partner's pain, and describing how they will prevent future betrayal from occurring. The betrayed partner will need to learn to clearly express what they need and how they expect to receive it. I also remind this partner that they cannot continually impose penalties. There is a reason banks are not allowed to do that anymore.
During this phase there is also individual work that needs to be done. The betrayed partner will often experience obsessive thoughts, feelings of disgust, and family and societal pressure to leave the relationship. It is crucial that this person receive honest answers to any appropriate questions. To manage the societal pressure, I recommend that they find another person with a similar experience to talk to or that they research the statistics of how common this predicament is. Normalizing the situation and reminding them that leaving and staying are both viable responses can be a healing experience.
A very taboo aspect of moving forward in an affair is that the "cheater" needs time to grieve the loss of their affair partner. It is an uncomfortable reality that the affair partner was providing something -- sex, emotional comfort or excitement -- and that loss needs to be recognized.
Attunement
Once the couple has worked on trust building behaviors, it's time to begin the "attunement phase". At the beginning of this phase, I ask my couples "Are you both ready to face your responsibilities in the cause of this affair?" This is a difficult question for many people.We often want to believe that the affair is one sided and is completely the fault of the philanderer. However this is rarely the case. It always takes two to tango. The affair is only one secret that's been kept in the relationship and there are often many other wants, needs, and feelings that have not been discussed by either partner.
Attunement is the stage in which couples get to know each other again. They're encouraged to be open and honest, even when it may hurt. In Gottman Method Couples therapy we call this building "Love Maps". When you build a love map you open yourself up to sharing your inner world: fears, aspirations, desires, and memories. You can start to reattune by asking things like "in what ways has our relationship let you down in the past?", "what are your hopes for our future?" , "what is your biggest hope, fear, need right now?". This is also where you reattune sexually. Are there sexual desires that you have not disclosed? Talk about them and truly listen. The video "Its Not About The Nail" is a great description of what listening does and does not look like.
Attachment
This phase is marked by a solid commitment by both partners to stay in the marriage. They feel safely and confidently attached to each other and can begin to reassess life goals and meaning. Couples in this phase have weathered the storm. Esther Perel notes "Couples who can successfully recover from an infidelity often display a significant shift in language: From "you" and "me" to "our," from "when you did this to me" to "this was an event in our life." They talk about "When we had our crisis," recounting a shared experience. Now they're joint scriptwriters, sharing credit for the grand production of their life together".
To solidify the "our" in the relationship couples reassess their rituals and life goals. How are they saying goodbye in the morning before work? How do they greet each other when they get home? Is there any consistency to holidays and weekends? When is their next vacation? How will they raise the children or plan for retirement? What legacy do they want their relationship to leave after they've died? I've found that my couples know they are in this stage when they begin having fun on dates, increase their sexual intimacy, and talk with more openness and security.
Happily Ever After
Couples that move through these three stages find that the affair becomes an important part of their story. It's the point in their relationship where they "woke up" and realized that something needed to change. They use it as an important reminder to maintain openness and to respond to each other's needs.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Harper Lee Prize goes to Attica Locke's 'Pleasantville'
The ABA Journal and the University of Alabama School of Law have chosen Pleasantville, a novel by Attica Locke, as the winner of the 2016…
Friday, July 15, 2016
7 Inspiring Stories Of In-Law Friendships That Survived Divorce
One of the toughest parts about divorce can be giving up a relationship with your in-laws ― but you don't have to.
Below, seven divorced men and women share why it was important for them to hold onto a relationship with their ex's parents.
1. Because she didn't want her family to be torn apart.
“I'm not only still friends with my ex-in-laws, but I also still consider them my family. I choose to do so because when people get divorced, families have the choice to grow and change or to be torn into shreds in the process. Our family chose the latter. My new husband and I invited them to our wedding, to birthday parties and other events, and my father-in-law read scriptures at my father's memorial service. My mother-in-law still calls to sing the birthday song to me. I love the three of them dearly ― my ex's mom, stepmom and father ― and I think we set a wonderful example for our children.” ― Trish Eklund
2. Because there's no reason to make divorce more complicated than it already is.
“I am very much still friendly with my ex-husband's family. I loved them then and I love them still. They were always very good to me and are still a big part of our children's lives. There is no reason to make a situation like divorce more complicated than it needs to be. It's hard enough on family and friends. Why make it worse? At the end of the day, we are all still one big family even if the picture looks different than it used to.” ― Julie Scagell
3. Because his ex-in-laws didn't cause the split.
“My ex-in-laws were not the cause of my divorce. They are two great people who are an important part of my children's lives. My ex-father-in-law and I continue to go to church together and my ex-mother-in-law is always a sound ear when it comes to working through issues with my ex-wife. I love them to death and can't imagine my life without them. They both know I still love their daughter and will do anything for her despite how the marriage ended.” ― Andrew Slattery
4. Because they're related to her children.
“They have supported me throughout the turmoil of my last few years of marriage, they stand for what is right and they will always be my son's grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. They are a part of him as much as a second family to me, even without my ex being around us. It's important that my son knows who his blood relatives are and maintains a positive relationship with them, in spite of what happened with his father and me.” ― Amanda Racey Roadcap
5. Because they're still family.
“I have a special relationship with my ex-in-laws. In fact, in my mind, there is no 'ex' when it comes to them. They are the grandparents to my daughter, and my mother-in-law and I have always been very close. We are family, regardless. This arrangement may not work for everyone who has been through divorce, but I am happy that it works for all of us.” ― Erinne Magee
6. Because they've been there in times of need.
“They are wonderful people and the grandparents to my child. I divorced my spouse, not the whole family. They have been there for me always.” ― Amy Roberts
7. Because they simply get along well.
“My ex-husband and I fell out of love, but not out of friends, and I was lucky that my ex's in-laws still wanted to be my friends, and my family. My ex-husband, Derek, and I divorced after 16 years of marriage. We stayed friends, although it was not always easy in the beginning. He then met his new wife after six months and she became part of our family. After a few years we also started celebrating Christmas and Easter together. I met my present husband after being alone for three years and, with no problems, he just joined our extended family. The first time we went to England together, we visited my ex-mother-in-law, and she made us feel very welcome. Likewise when we went to see my ex-sister-in-law. A few years later we also met my ex-brother-in-law. What they all said was that I was still family.” ― Ulla Jessen
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
In a BigLaw first, Orrick will pay new associates an extra $100 a month toward student loans
Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe announced on Friday that it will give a boost to new associates with student debt by paying them an extra $100…
The Unusual Question That Can Help You Work Through Heartaches
When you're faced with heartache, author and former pastor Rob Bell suggests asking yourself one admittedly weird question.
Have you gotten in the habit of breathing?
What makes this question so profound, Bell says, is not what it means on the surface, but what lies deeper within its linguistic connection to the past.
“Across so many ancient languages and ancient cultures, the word for 'breath' and the word for 'spirit' were the same word,” he explains. “This ancient understanding [is] that the breath that you've taken is what keeps you alive, but that breath is a picture of a deeper spiritual reality, which is, 'You have received this gift of life.'”
As Bell says, knowing this and then asking yourself that question can help offer you a nuanced perspective when you're in the midst of experiencing pain, loss, heartbreak or trauma.
“Sometimes, we'll talk about a stressful situation in which we had to stop and catch our breath. That breath was a gift,” Bell points out. “This next breath is a gift. The breath after it is a gift.”
With that perspective, he continues, the path toward healing breaks wide open.
“Now, the pain, the loss, the heartache, the betrayal ― all of the stuff that comes with life ― if it exists within this larger embrace of gratitude, now you may actually be able to get through it,” Bell says. “That's the path.”
Another important reminder:
Everyone: It's actually pretty easy to become a force for good in this world
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20160715 - Turning poor people into criminals
Turning poor people into criminals
July 14, 2016
by Editorial Board, Brattleboro Reformer
2016-07-14
Thursday, July 14, 2016
8 Things You've Been Taught About Marriage That Are Totally Wrong
A word to the wise from marriage therapists: Don't buy into every piece of relationship advice you read in a magazine or hear from a well-meaning aunt. (For instance, “don't go to bed angry” is total malarkey; it's probably better for you and your partner to address the issue in the A.M., when cooler heads prevail.)
Below, couples therapists take to task common beliefs about marriage that couples should ignore.
“I've heard this one on my couch so many times that it's starting to drive me nuts. Usually, one partner (or both) will come in telling me that their relationship isn't 50/50 and they feel like they're carrying more than their fair share. But marriage isn't a 50/50 compromise and you certainly shouldn't be keeping track of who is doing more in a tit-for-tat fashion, either. Sometimes your partner will have difficulties and you'll have to carry your partner for a while until they sort things out. This means you'll carry more than your share for a while. But usually, they'll do the same for you while you struggle with your challenges, too.”― Aaron Anderson, a marriage and family therapist in Denver, Colorado
“It's true, we all do need love. But despite what most pop songs and movies have taught us, healthy marriages need way more than just love in order to thrive. In addition to love, couples need respect, compatibility, good communication skills, humility, safety, chemistry, acceptance, play and diligence ― and that's just naming a few qualities.” ― Andrea Wachter, a marriage and family therapist in Northern California
“Oftentimes, couples that are struggling in their relationship are led to believe that if they have a child, it will bring them closer together but this isn't true. Children will exacerbate whatever is already present in the relationship. If you have a good relationship, a child will make it better but if you have a bad relationship, the demands of a baby will make it worse. Having a child adds a great amount of stress to a relationship and unless there is a collaborative effort to share the care-taking responsibilities, it becomes a breeding ground for resentment and disagreement.” ― Olga Bloch, a marriage and family therapist in Rockville, Maryland
“As a marriage counselor, this is one of the most common ones I hear on my couch every day. But it is just downright silly. Whoever came up with this seems to expect you to get over problems within a day but the truth is, couples have problems ― real problems ― and not all of them can be solved in 24 hours. Sometimes it takes weeks, months or even years to solve them. You can't expect to solve all problems in a day but you should expect your partner to try to make repairs whenever they do damage to you or the relationship.” ― Aaron Anderson
“It's widely known that opposites attract. But while that keeps things exciting in the beginning, in the long-term, those differences can create conflict. That conflict can leave you feeling like you don't belong together or are incompatible but if you put in the work, conflict can be your portal to becoming a better spouse. Attempting to understand what your partner feels and wants from you will lead you to a more satisfying stage of the relationship. You love more consciously.”― Jeannie Ingram, a couples therapist in Nashville, Tennessee
“Everyone has heard that sex is like a well that dries up after you get married. But in fact, the opposite is true: Couples in long-term relationships actually report having more sex than their single counterparts. The biggest problem with this myth is that when couples stop having sex or being intimate, they shrug it off as normal instead of seeing it as a sign that something is wrong in the relationship.” ― Aaron Anderson
“Many people live with the expectation that their spouse should simply know what they need and then they feel resentment when they don't. But our partners cannot possibly anticipate, know and meet all of our needs. Getting our own needs met from various healthy sources (including ourselves) and voicing our needs in a respectful, mature manner can help dispel this common, wrongheaded belief.” ― Andrea Wachter
“Yes, it's a delicious feeling when you feel loved and love someone, but genuine love is demonstrated through actions. It's about choosing to be thoughtful and demonstrating tender behaviors. The truth is, the feeling is the result of the action. If we want to feel love, we need to be loving.” ― Jeannie Ingram
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
Parallel Trade of Pharmaceuticals: The Danish Market for Statins
Microsoft doesn't have to give prosecutors emails stored on servers in Ireland, 2nd Circuit says
Emails of a Microsoft customer that are stored exclusively on a server in Ireland are beyond the reach of domestic search warrants issued under a…
Can I Adopt With an Arrest or Conviction?
20160714 - The same week Alton Sterling and Philando Castile were killed, a white man pointed a shotgun at cops and lived
The same week Alton Sterling and Philando Castile were killed, a white man pointed a shotgun at cops and lived
July 12, 2016
by Nidhi Prakash, Fusion
2016-07-12
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
9 Things Men Hate Hearing From Their Wives
You're bound to say some tone-deaf things to your spouse every so often ― but there are some phrases you should absolutely never say.
We asked couple therapists to share the most annoying things men report hearing from their spouses. (Of course, it goes both ways ― click here for the annoying things husbands say to their wives.)
1. “Nevermind, I'll just do it myself.”
Marriage pro tip: When you ask your spouse to call the plumber to fix the sink, give him a chance to do it. Rolling your eyes and saying, “nevermind, I'll do it myself” may result in you getting your sink fixed sooner, but it's also likely to rub your spouse the wrong way.
“Chances are, he wants to help you and make you happy,” said Anne Crowley, an Austin, Texas-based psychologist. “It's a frustrating phrase for a husband to hear because it suggests you don't think he's capable of completing the task and don't need him.”
2. “You should have known.”
You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect your hubby to decipher every last gesture and statement you make, said Ryan Howes, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California.
“Women become upset when their husbands can't read between the lines or read their minds but guys are notoriously poor mind readers,” he said. “Wives will save themselves a lot of grief if they can come to accept this and just ask for what they want.”
3. “Do you think she's hot?”
Do you really want to know your husband's thoughts about an attractive woman? Probably not ― plus, you're putting your spouse in an uncomfortable, no-win situation, said Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men.
“Most men have already identified the pretty women in the room; if he's trying to respect you then he should be already trying not to look, so you pointing her out will only make him more self-conscious, uncomfortable and unsure of what to do to not upset you or hurt your feelings,” he said.
4. “We need to talk.”
No four words strike fear into a married man's heart quite like “we need to talk.” Opt for something less ominous sounding the next time you bring up an issue, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a therapist and author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You've Always Wanted.
“The phrase 'we need to talk' is often a signal that the wife has complaints or criticism about the husband,” she said. “He assumes he somehow failed you and withdraws, creating a disconnect, which is the exact opposite of what you were trying to accomplish.”
5. “Man up.”
Seriously? There's no right or wrong way to be a man. For your spouse's sake, let your gender expectations go and try to have a civil conversation.
“Telling your spouse to 'man up' is a brutal attack on his core identity,” Howes said. “It's a statement loaded with contempt and shame and could create relationship damage that will be difficult to heal.”
6. “Pick up after yourself. I'm not your mother.”
There are better ways to encourage your spouse to put his dirty socks in the hamper than telling him you're tired of feeling like his mom.
“Bringing up mom piles baggage onto what's probably already a loaded situation,” Smith said. “Many men are sensitive about their relationship with their mother, so suggesting he still wants or needs his mom is not a way to encourage him to change behavior you don't like.”
7. “You never, you should have, you ought to...”
Sorry, but chiding your spouse about how he never does the dishes (or takes out the trash or drives the kids to school) isn't likely to inspire change, Berger said.
“Saying someone 'never' does something leaves no wiggle room for improvement ― it's like casting a fault of his in stone,” she said. “It's much better to say, 'I'd appreciate it if you would empty the dishwasher tonight,' for example. And when he does, thank him and you can expect more help in the future.”
8. “You've put on a few pounds lately, huh?”
Instead of pointing out changes in your spouse's appearance, be supportive and tell him you'd love if he joined you at your cycle class sometime, said Becky Whetstone, a Little Rock, Arkansas-based therapist.
“Insinuating that his body is not like it once was will shrink his confidence ― and he'll probably up his calorie intake just to spite you!”
9. “You're going out with the guys again?”
Don't look at Fantasy Football meet-ups and golf trips as threats to your marriage. It's quite the opposite, actually; some time apart will likely do your relationship good, Howes said.
“Yes, sometimes a guy's night is just an excuse to drink and fart but for many guys these are crucial times to connect, seek advice, get support and express some important emotions,” he said. “Wives who feel threatened by this or forbid their husband from attending may be cutting off a vital support system.”
The biggest bonus of guy time, according to Howes? “There's a good chance he'll actually be a better husband if he can compare notes with other husbands and dads.”
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
I Had Wine With My Husband's Ex-Wife. Here's What Happened
Actually, it was more than wine. We went out to dinner with some mutual friends and had a "girl's night out."
And guess what... it was great.
Even though before I left the house, I was so nervous that I thought I was going puke and questioned whether blurring the boundaries was a good idea, everything turned out fine. In fact, it was really fun!
Part of me wishes that my husband's ex-wife wasn't my husbands ex-wife because I really like her! I wouldn't mind hanging out with her more often.
The thing is, three years ago, if you would have told me that we would be having wine together, I would have said that you were absolutely insane. It just wasn't in my pipeline. Even though I thought it would be nice to have that type of relationship, it didn't seem like there was a remote possibility.
There was a major transition period. Time for us both to figure out what the heck this stepmom gig entailed.
There were some heated conversations. There were months where we didn't acknowledge each other's existence. There were awkward moments in the hockey arena...
In fact, I think we were both thrilled when we were able to have good email correspondence about the kids, let alone enjoy a glass of pinot together!
Then, all of a sudden there we were.... skinny jeans and heels, heading for a girls-night-out on the town!
The next day, feeling pretty good about how the night went, I took some time to really think about what had changed, and how we had managed to get to this point.
In doing so, I realized I've learned a lot of lessons over the past few years.
1. I think we can all agree that the stresses that come with stepfamily life, co-parenting and blending families don't always bring out the best in everyone.
It's unknown territory full of foreign emotions and situations that were never in anyone's "five-year plan". A little empathy and forgiveness can go a long way.
2. Time really does heal.
As time has gone on, everything has become easier on so many levels.
If you're open to it, you can learn ways to cope, communicate and navigate the world of co-parenting. That doesn't mean you won't have difference of opinions. It's not always going to be hearts and sparkles. However, if you learn to compromise, let things go and look at the bigger picture, stressors that used to be all consuming, won't be anymore.
3. There are two sides and two different perspectives to every story.
One person's truth may be very different from another person's truth. And that's okay! The key is acknowledging and accepting that the difference exists.
4. Issues that arise between my husband and his ex-wife, are not issues between her and I. We don't speak about them.
I'm a support to my husband behind the scenes, but I know from experience that I can't fix something that I didn't break. To sum it up, I've learned to keep my mouth shut!
5. It is just so much easier to get along! It really is!
Some stepmoms have said to me, that's great for you but that will never happen for us. And many of you are right. If you're dealing with a high-conflict-ex (or perhaps married to one) a healthy co-parenting relationship may not be in the cards. Parallel parenting may be the way to go!
But, you never know. Maybe his ex-wife also wishes that you could have an amicable relationship, but doesn't want to be the one to let her guard down and extend that olive branch. Maybe you won't go out for wine (and maybe you don't want to go out for wine) but perhaps you could have the odd conversation about the kids, or be able to stand at an extra curricular event without feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
Either way, it's worth a try. Even if your efforts are shot right down, knowing that you've said no to a life full of ongoing anger and controversy can feel pretty damn good.
Jamie Scrimgeour is a coffee and wine loving second wife, stepmom and mom who doesn't believe in sugar coating anything. She is all about being raw, real, and thinks that dwelling on negative brings premature wrinkles. Jamie talks candidly about her stepfamily life on her blog, The Poptart Diaries and helps fellow stepmoms thrive through her group coaching program The KICK-ASS STEPMOM Project. You can find Jamie on Facebook and Instagram.
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
20160713 - This former death row inmate has a powerful message for Nebraskans voting on the death penalty
This former death row inmate has a powerful message for Nebraskans voting on the death penalty
July 12, 2016
by Casey Tolan, Fusion
2016-07-12
Bertrand-Edgeworth games under triopoly: the equilibrium strategies when the payoffs of the two smallest firms are proportional to their capacities
Ever had an employee or a co-worker who was a bad 'fit'? Seen discrimination attributed to 'fit'?
“It seems quaint to think about having the luxury to evaluate a legal job opportunity for cultural fit when so many would be happy for…
Texas U. Profs Challenge New Campus Concealed Carry Gun Law
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Law prof finds a teaching moment in criticism of her Black Lives Matter T-shirt
Wearing a Black Lives Matter T-shirt does not demonstrate that someone hates all white people, and to assume so is factually flawed, a Whittier Law…
Russell Wilson Said The Sweetest Thing About Ciara And Her Son
Russell Wilson is officially a stepfather. The Seattle Seahawks quarterback married singer Ciara last Wednesday, and he recently opened up about his relationship with Ciara's son to People magazine.
“I think, ultimately, the one thing I can say about being a stepdad and any person that's a parent ― but especially when you come into a new situation ― the key is loving the child as your own,” Wilson told People. “That's the biggest thing.”
As for adding more kiddos to the mix?
“I want to have a bunch of kids – me and Ci do,” Wilson said. “I think that ever since the first day I ever met Ciara and Little Man, too, it's been really cool and really special.”
Wilson also only has praise for Ciara as a mother.
“Ciara's such a great mom,” Wilson said. “She reads to him every night. I read to him, too, and we just share so many special moments together. That's what family is all about. Ultimately, it's about giving back and loving as much as you can to your fullest. That's what you're able to do together.”
It's not the first time Wilson has opened up about his new stepson. In June, he wrote a sweet comment on a photo of Ciara and her son on Instagram:
Watching him grow over the past year and a half has been the most fulfilling and special things I've ever been around. He gets the purest and the sweetest love from you and to watch you be the woman and mom you are ALL the time. Every morning. Every night. Every day… No matter what the circumstances or situation… good or bad… brings me so much joy & most importantly him. He is so blessed to have you hold him and hug him and love him with so much pure and real love that he will have no limits to what God has in store for him.
H/T People
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